22 nd October , 2020
Dear Sam ,
You're Dying. It's been three years since I've been writing to myself in a diary. But today is a special reason as to why I'm writing because maybe I'll not be able to write again. I went to the doctor today. He confirmed,I do actually have three months to live .
Honestly I feel that's enough. I've been able to survive with my condition till now. No-one actully did expect that.
I haven't told my Family members about this actually because I don't think my grandmother will be able to take it and moreover she's always worried about my health. Actually I do owe a lot to my family. I actually never had this "feeling to live" but seeing how much they loved me was one thing that always got me waking up in the morning and eating my medicines.
They'd always been my rock. But fortunately I'm gonna go now and they'll be free from all the restrains they had Because of me . My mom will be happier after I go. She won't cry at night sitting by my side . She'll not have to make sure I take all my five medicines on correct time and I don't actually have any last wish too.
But there was one message I wanted to convey to HIM before I leave . And I know that he'll never read this. but writing about him makes me feel so nice that it makes me forget about this world and the misery I have been in .
I Still remember when It all started when I was in second grade. He wasn't in the same class as mine . He was actually three years older and I never had "love at first sight " with him.
I actually hated him at first. But then slowly and slowly we became friends. I remember when we used to come to school in same car and I held his hands for the first time. it was actually for a game we were playing But his touch! I cannot forget his touch even in my dreams.
I remember when we first played a game and he. complimented me for the first time . Oh how much that meant to me. I used to find myself smiling when I used to think about him and I wasn't even aware of the fact that i actually liked him. Just like a fairy tail my life was perfect for some time.
My disease , my medicines, all those injections, all those painful check-ups I had to go through didn't even work on me so nicely than his one smile used to work on me like magic.
I was living a dream even tho I knew that this happiness wouldn't last all the time.
Why would he choose someone like me ?
Why would he want a diseased ,a pathetic , a common ,non-popular girl like me?
I remember when he first gave me his blazer to wear and when I first smelled his colongue. His smell hit my brain cells and I could have worn it all my life.
I was drawn towards him like a magnet and suprisingly I didn't even tell that to my parents .
But all good things don't last forever. With my condition worsening and me getting admitted in the hospital I knew it'd be soon before I die.
But for the first time in years that time I felt something screaming inside of me saying " I don't wanna die. I wanted more time! more time to be with him.Even as a friend."
I hid the fact about my fucked up life from him but I knew he'd understand .wouldn't he ?
But one day He went away. His father got transferred and he had to move to other town.
On his last day in school . there were many people surrounding him telling him that they'd miss me.
But I .. what was I supposed to say?..
Was I supposed to say " hey I've been in love with you for seven years now?.." or.." would you care to pass me your number ?".. or maybe " I'll miss you."
But I couldn't say anything. All I said was " You better go before I pack and send you out of this world myself "
I showed that I didn't care. He just smiled and that was a genuine smile and I have lived with that smiling face in my heart ever since.
After he was gone I found myself writing about him .
I found myself going crazy!
I found myself telling me " STOP SAM! HE DOESN'T BELONG TO YOU! HE NEVER KNEW YOU EXISTED . "
But all those times I tried to forget him made me realise how much I was obsessed or in love with him.
"WHY WHY WHY! WHY DO YOU COME IN MY DREAMS! WHY CAN'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE ! I MISS YOU SO MUCH! WHY WAS I SO STUPID NEVER TO TAKE YOUR NUMBER!" was what I found asking myself when I used to be on the rooftop thinking about him again .
After he went away it was a dark time for me. I faced betrayal from my friends. My own friends abandoned me .
Sam do you remember how ..how they were never concerned about what's going on in your life ?..
Do you remember how they thought that you were the most happy and smiling person in the world who had never faced any kind of problems.
But did they ever see what a broken smile you had .
Did they ever like you for who you were ?
Or did they ever bother to ask you that " Hey Sam! ayou have been coughing since morning is something wrong"..
I'm actually really happy that I got past that time. And now when I was recovering The doctor gave me the brilliant news about my upcoming funeral.
But everything was Sad. I met Franky . She's became My bestfriend. She became a reason as to why I liked going to school. She was one who saw me as to who I am , never believed a rumour about me . And I have still got her back regardless of our differences.
But I won't be telling anyone that I'm dying. I don't want to be treated differently now. Coz if they start treating me with pity or with love. it's gonna make me not wanna die . And I wanna die. I've been a burden to everyone for too much time now. I can't live with this guilt anymore.
But all I know is that he'll never know What I've been through.
He'll never know his importance in my life .
He'll never know That I still like him
He'll never know that I still wish that I'd told him that I'll miss him that day.
He'll never know That he was one reason as to why my life's even till now has been a blessing.
He'll never know that I'd do anything to look at him again.
Because For Him I DON'T EXIST..😄~~
