I'm going to tell you something about myself... which no one knows.
let me first tell you what people see me as.
I'm a serious looking girl in people's eyes.everone thinks I'm a sincare human. I'm cold towards everyone. don't like to talk too much. actually i can't talk too much. if anyone see me in my normal mood, they will think I'm angry or damn serious!
idk why but my face id is so horrible. actually not my face but my expressions. some people also take me as expressionless or emotionless person bcoz of my cold nature.
i don't feel comfortable with anyone at first time meeting. so i just can't speak too much. bcoz of my less speaking, i don't have much friends as other girls. everyone keeps distence from me.
and you know? some of my friends call me "red chilli" bcoz i get angry on any small things.but not all time. it's depends on my mood.
i don't smile usually. it happens on some special events only. or you can say i don't have habit to smile.my parents also don't have much attachment with me.they don't like me. from my childhood, I've living in such a weird atmosphere where everyone just scolds me,hits me, shouts on me.so i didn't get enough love from family. even my younger sister always shouts on me. i think she is also living with these people so she is also like them.
ok so it is the how world thinks about me: I'm a girl with cold nature, atitude (bcoz can't speak too much) angry, heartless, expressionless or weird expression girl.
BUT NOW
I'll tell about my inner life. what actually i am. what kind of person i am.
my family rarely hear my voice at my house.but i don't want to stay mute for my whole life.i want to speak. i want to talk. but i know I can't. if i just argue with my sisters fakely, i mean just for fun, my mom scolds me to shut my mouth. I mean does she really wants me not to speak? i don't cry in front of people. but sometimes it's deficult to hold tears.
i looks serious and understanding from outside. but you will not believe me, I'm a psycho from inside. I AM psycho!!..i always talk with me loudly. laughing with myself. u don't want to reveal more things bcoz it's embarrassing to say. if my family know I'm a psycho, they will just say 'no way'... and I'm sure if I'll go to the psychiatrist, he/she will say 'you are mentally ill , your mental health is not good'
i sometimes cry in the corner of the house or at the backside of the house.it makes me feel light. my grudge, anger everything comes in the Avatar of tears. not a single month passes without crying. you will think I'm a crybaby. yes ,i am. i can't act strong in front of myself...and you know the best place and best time for crying? it's bath time. yes..no one can notice you crying there.
everyone thinks I'm a emotionless person but I have emotions. i am emotional. but now I've learnt how to control my tears and my laughter also.so everyone take me as stone hearted. it's okay now, i don't care about them.
they literally made me selfish. I'm a very simple and easy going girl. i believe anyone. i can't even dought anyone.but after getting unhealable wounds, I've stopped caring for them.i have nothing to do with people on earth. I'm alone forever. totally alone.
i wanted love from my family. but it didn't happened. i have very short temper. since my childhood,i became sad on every small things. and as time passes my sadness changed into anger. it's psychologically proved that if someone gers angry or becomes sad on each and every single thing,it means they want love. they didn't get enough love.
and my habit of sleeping is also same. i mean i sleep on my stomach. some people sleeps on their backs, some sleeps on their sides. it's also psychologically proved that if someone sleep on their stomach, then they need love and warmth.
i never been stubborn.all children are stubborn you know. but i wasn't. i even didn't asked second time for a single thing. i mean if i go shopping with my parents, and i like something, so i ask my mom or dad xi like that , please buy for me " and if they say no, (actually they always says no) then i never aak again.but now, I've stopped asking also. why to waste your energy to ask, i know the answer, and it will always be "no". so I've stopped demanding anything. i stopped expecting as well. i don't have any expectations from them.
it's enough i think.
so people made me cold from outside and loneliness made me psycho from inside. no one knows about my inner life. it's my first time opening some of my secrets in front of anyone.
well it's just a drop from the sea. there are so many secrets hidden inside me.but i can't open them.
wish you all live happily, not like me.😊
thank you all listeners 😚
