between letting go and holding on maybe I found the courage to love again.
Rose: where are you?
Sunday morning as I gazed towards my favorite cafe, the first thing I remember is not that bittersweet taste of the espresso or that bustling noise of the busy hours. Whenever I pass through this coffee house I remember your honey brown eyes which were as sweet as your smile, maybe reminiscing about you have always been my hobby, the cafe is just a little pretense of mine to make myself a little more worthy.
'When I first met you, I never realized how much you would end up meaning to me', the quote I have read more than hundreds of times but only after meeting you did I felt it. I have always seen you enter this coffee house when the clock hits 9 in the morning, one cup of espresso, a sweet pastry, and a table filled with books. You would always sit on that second last Seat, closed to the window. Look all around you from time to time as if to grasp every moment of life.
The first time you caught me stealing gazes from you, and gasped at the time when your eyes felt on my book, 'Kimiuso', and exclaimed as, "my favorite!", With those honey eyes of yours, I should have known from that very moment how much of a lier you were.
I was captivated by your words, by how you found beauty in every being and everything. "Rose", you extend your hands towards me whispering your name in front of me, I don't know what magic you did, but among all the 400,000 flowers species in the World rose became my favorite, from its colors to its every petal to even the thrones, that much magic you had in me.
I may never find words which will be as beautiful as you are, but to me, you will always be my favorite, my calmness, my home, my Strom, and my tragedy, among every word I know you will be in it because the me which exists today was created by you.
I smile faintly as I remember how every day was new to me after we became friends, the books we shared, the coffee cups we emptied, the way you smiled talking about your favorite places, and how I realized my heart was yours from the start. If you only knew how much those small moments mattered to me.
You would always say, "life is too short live it freely", and give smile like no tomorrow. There was something in your eyes that could find beauty even in chaos, as if the world was perfect as it is.
Then came the time when I found my courage to finally confess, where I wanted to know if you want me as much as I want you to want me too, I fall on my one knee and gave the rose bouquet. But in reply, all you said was, "why so fast dear, when I have all my life given to you", "100 days, just 100 days give me each rose a day and when the times comes everything will be settled", each day we would exchange letters one sentence of confession as you ruled it from the beginning. And believe me to this day those ninty nine days were the best part of my life. From stargazing to candlelight dinner, to dancing to our favorite songs, to just placing your head on my heart.
As the last day came near my expectations rose, but never in my wildest dream did I thought you would leave me in remorse. Just why? Why? Did you play with my heart was it fun to be so mercilessly or did you saw me as a fool, how did your sweet as honey lips kneeled web of lies and I must have been a fool to not even know how you played me? I don't need your heart anymore, you can keep yours and give me mine, I don't want to be to go through this, I thought as I met you last time in that hospital, you still had that honey smile and closed eyes as if you were free from all the problems of the world.
as I saw you in your death bed with the 100th rose on my hand I came to know how much of a lier you were. how you promise forever when you had your Thanatos to count your days, as my eyes misted up with tears of your death a letter came to my vission near you with same red rose wax, laughing like a lunatic with tears streaming by I opened the letter as precious as my life.
" Dear,
You must be hate me now as you have received this letter", I nodded like crazy when I thought of your voice saying playfully how I hate you, yes I hate you, I hate you most for leaving in this world alone with just your marked memories.
"But I won't ask for your forgiveness because I know I am not permitted to, if I could I would have told you how many days the god has gifted me but how could I when in you I could feel love, in your arms I could feel home and in your eyes I could find me. think of me as a coward or recent me as much as you want, but at least for once I wanted to live in someone's heart as normal. I was never afraid to love you but was scared to confess the truth, that's why I said a hundred days to let you know through my gestures how much I love you.
Maybe in some other world, we fight all day and kiss all night, where I am fearless enough to hold your hand in broad daylight, but for now, I am resting in peace in somewhere and don't forget to find your soul, and if you could don't miss me, as that's my last wish"
Through thousands of nights I cried and missed you as I re read the letters of reality, how you are not here not anymore, it was hard to breathe because you took my heart, I blamed me as if it was all my fault, I cursed you for not telling me but after 10s of years, I still stand here in this old coffee house but not for you anymore.
"Daddy, why didn't you answered me ?", she said with a little pout.
"I am sorry rose my dear, forgive your daddy this one time", I said to my 4-year-old daughter, I have given her your name because she has that same honey smile as yours and the same nonchalant eyes which sees the world with some magic filters.
"Dear, you are spoiling her", Lia said as she hold my other hand, in her still hushed voice, my treasure wife, my home, who now has my soul.
As you took your heart from me, she made a home on that empty place taking my soul and hugging my broken pieces as her own. But even after 40 years or 80 years, the only promise I broke was missing you. you came in my life unapologeticly with my permission but left like cold breeze, you made me understand what's its like to fall in love and she made me realise how it's like to be in love.
I do miss you, like a beautiful memory but do you miss me too?.
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Kimiuso - your lie in April ( a famous japanese manga adapted to anime too)
