Another autumn ended. You aren't with me. Don't worry , I am not complaining about it. It's just , it's a bit lonely without you , that's all.
Do you remember that maple tree ? Where we used to sit and hold our hands ?
Once you asked me , " What if one day , like this autumn maple leaves , our last minute came ? What if , in this winter when they drop , we die too ? Tell me what will you do ?"
I don't care those words of yours at that time. I thought you were making fun of me . Trying to be serious infront of me and wanted to see how I react . I really didn't care those words.
I replied , " So what if those old leaf dropped ? When the summer will come , there will be more and more new leaf . It will again grow and fall again. So what ? "
You replied , " So those old leaves don't have a value when the fall off ?"
I replied , " Why not , they will spread through the ground and couples like us will admire it. Children will play with it . Some people will ride their own imagination with it and draw it into a paper. "
"That's all ?" , You stared at me and again asked , " What if ..... "
I stopped you ... You didn't even get the chance to complete it. I thought , this is so nice to be with you that moment .. why should we ruined it with this serious talks ?
I regret it.
Those words I said , those answers I given , must hurt you a lot , weren't they ?
Even in your last days , I don't pay any attention to you .
Why ? ?
Because I was always very busy to look at you . I was always very busy to ask whether you are okay or not. I thought , you will tell me on your own if you are not okay , I thought you will tell me on your own that you are lonely .
And I thought , money , s*x and food are the only things we need.
I never thought , in this life , in my life , you are also a part of my happiness ...
Never have ever thought about HOW YOU FEEL .
Never have ever thought about YOU CAN BE LONELY TOO .
Never.
I regret it . I really regret it a lot.
I left you home alone for several days , thinking my boss will be happy if he saw I'm only obsessed with work ... Belive me , I never thought , you can be scared , you can be lonely , you can be sad ...
Never.
I regret it.
I really regret it.
When I told you , it's a sudden business trip abroad , I didn't notice the sorrows on your face . I didn't care when you cried in the darkness , saying silently to stay beside you .
I didn't care then .
I regret it .
I really regret it.
I only realised the loneliness when I came home. I was excited to tell to about my promotion ... but I couldn't find you .
I was thinking how will you react , seeing me after so long ...
I couldn't find you .
By then I came to know , you left .
You left without saying goodbye ...
You left without looking at me for the last time .
You left without taking anything but the pain I gave you all this time.
There's not even a single bit of trace of you left in this house .
You know it all along , Right ? You planned it all .... the pain I gave you ...The sorrows you go through .... I will not go thought the same but hundreds of more than that.
You didn't tell me about your terminal chronic cancer .....
It's not your fault . It's mine .
I ignored you . I don't pay attention . I don't realised , the most important thing in life is YOU .
I'm sorry .
