To be honest, I had originally decided to write this in the next month, I mean in the month of August, but because something happened, I couldn't stop myself from writing. So today, 12th Board's results were declared. First let me clear your doubt that I AM NOT READING IN CLASS - 12. I'M READING IN CLASS 10.
My sister reads in class 12. She scored 88%. It's absolutely a good score I guess, because in India, 12th exams are kinda difficult. Seeing her attending calls and then telling everyone about the marks, it was quite a bit of new experience for me. I was sort of like scared.
I'm reading in 10th. In India, 10th board exams have a very great importance. I'm so scared right now that I can't even express you. 10th board results... now when I think about it, I... I don't know if I'll be able to cope up with the expectations that my parents, my teachers and my all other family members have kept from me.
They always say me "Chinmayee, do well in your exams", "Chinmayee, you have to come in Top - 3". Hearing these words... I'm scared. I don't think I'll be able to fulfill their wishes. Everyone is expecting so much from me, but I don't think I'm that much capable to fulfill all of them.
Sometimes, there has been a thought on my mind that, "I should stop writing. What if it affects my studies?" But still then, I always kept writing. I don't know what kind of future lies ahead of me, but I just want to go on with the flow and do whatever I want to. Because I don't want to have any regrets later in my future.
But by doing this, will I have regret in my future about why I did this. Will I be asking myself in the future "Why did I even started writing? If only I hadn't...". When it comes to these things, I'm the most confused one. I'm very bad at making choices or deciding something.
Aargh man!! I don't even know what I want to become in future. Sometimes I wonder if I'll even become something or not? I question myself every night, "Are you happy with what you're doing right now?" I answer it by saying "Yes, I am."
But when I ask myself the next question "Will you be able to cope up with everyone's expectation?", I answer doubtfully "...I don't know." That's my future, it's uncertain!! I don't know... I want someone to help me out, I want someone to console me, but it's of no use. No one is there for me.
I'm always the one who consoles others and makes others understand. To console myself, I would always cry in the washroom. I would always cry as much as I want. But there's always a need inside my mind "If only, someone would console me..."
