No future

No..family..No friends...No love...There is nothing except the pain...Reason is still unknown...But for sure...i am the person who is hated by everyone... including God.

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I am Ike i was in the orphanage since i remember...i have no memory of ever having a family...but i was really happy when someone came to adopt me when i was 10...Because there was nothing but the feeling of pain in this orphanage...

i thought i will be happy from now on but....that was only my thinking.....as soon as i was taken in by my new parents i was constantly abused by my adopted parents..... Waking up making breakfast.. getting beaten up by my mother for not making breakfast properly... doing other chores thats how my days used to go...But when i turned 18 i started doing part time jobs as well that was the first change in my day to day like after 8 years...of my life with my adopted parents.

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I thought i would be able to meet knew people and make some friends which i always wished to have...but to think i wasn't even worthy to have friends..Haha.

When i started working as a waiter at the hotel i was constantly harassed by the guests but there was nothing i could do after all i was already used to being treated like this....this type of harassment started when i was 5 first it was principal at the orphanage then ot was my adopted father... I don't know if my adopted mother knew or not but what does it even matter even if she knew after all i would be the one getting blamed for that also...Just like now my Co workers call me slut or whore...

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As days passed by my co workers started calling me like that even more because one day one of the guest at the hotel asked our manager that he wants me for night and will pay for that...even though i never wanted that but i couldn't say no because if i did i would lose my job and it would be hard for me to find one again as i am illiterate......that night it hurted so much...i wanted to scream...I wanted someone to come and save me....I wanted someone to help me....i wanted someone to need me....But that never happened....All i wanted was someone to tell me that everything i suffered will end...and i will be free from this endless pain.....But that never happened...Because after that night before i knew i was already working as a prostitute then a waiter at that hotel.......Even if i tried to change my job...i couldn't...because when i tried to work somewhere else there was always some rich master coming there and forcing me and i would end up again working at that hotel....

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I am already 20....Its painful to be alone but i slowly got used to this loneliness....When was i last time i cried...or smiled felt happy to be alive....I can't remember......

One of the nights when i was send to serve one of the customer....I guess that one took pity at me and send me back....but there was nothing i felt..nor happy nor sad...it was just blank... everything was black for me.

I met that customer again one day while i was going to the super market...He helped me to carry all those bags.....he had smile on his face... looking at his face i thought why was he smiling like that to me?...No one ever showed that smile to me....my heart was racing.. looking at his face.....At that time i was really confused about the feeling i had that time..

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I met that person again...I can't remember the day but i was kind of happy?..to see that person...But to think that the place we met was at the hotel when i was about to go to serve customer...I had that feeling.... Feeling like i was cheating on him?...Why thou...i couldn't think the reason...But when i was about to enter the room of that customer...he held my hand and stopped me called someone and pulled me towards another room...the room he was staying at....When we entered the room he hugged me tightly....That warmth i felt that day was first..... I don't know why there where tears falling from my eyes....But i couldn't push him aside and before i knew i was already asleep in his embrace.

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Later i found that he called the owner of the hospital to inform him that i will be with him and i will only be with him from now on.

After that Night i met him again and again almost everyday....i never had to serve the customers but some nights i was asked to be with him...and we would talk, eat then go to sleep it was fun....it was like i finally knew how it felt to be happy....It all felt like a dream....a dream i never wanted to wake up from.

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As our happy days where going on...one day he told me to come with him...to spend rest of my life with him......I was really happy... being with him i knew what it felt like to be happy...what it felt like to be loved and love someone more then my self....But i was also say thinking that my adopted parents won't let me leave.

But when he hugged and kissed my forehead and said that I don't need to worry..he will take care of everything...i was really happy...i was really really confused if it was reality or just a dream.

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We were living together...one day he asked me what i wanted to do really much...what was my wish that i always wanted to fulfill....when i told him that i wanted to study...be i never got the chance he immediately called for a tutor to teach me....i was able to study.....i was able to read and write...i was really overjoyed...because he fulfilled all my wishes he gave me family...he helped me to get out that Loneliness that i felt till i met him...he helped me study he gave me home to call as my own....I always thought that if it's a dream i never want to wake up from it.

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my dream world was going on with full of happiness and love....But one day everything shattered...I woke up from that dream...when i overheard him talking on the phone one day....He was maybe talking to his friend?...when i heard him say that it was only revenge...for what my mom did a women who I don't even know how she look like....that day i found out that my mother broke his family.....she used his father to get money even though his father was already married when his mother found out she committed suicide....

and when his father wanted to marry my mother...he found out from someone that she was having an affair with other guys as well and was pregnant with one of the most powerful person.....

Because of which his father broke down thinking that he hurt his wife and caused her to commit suicide because of such a women and started drinking to much....and died because of that. leaving him all alone so he searched for me and when he found me he decided to do the same for me....

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That day he saw me standing outside of his door when i asked if all that was true he pushed me and kicked me and said yes....told me how disgusting it was to act like he loves with me....but what i never thought he would say was that i was working at the hotel and sleeping with others was my own will...how i deserved to be treated like that, how much he hated me seeing smiling and laughing like that....how much he wanted me to cry....... Hearing all that i realized that everything was really just a dream...how the dream i never wanted to wake up ended and was send back to the reality....After that i never wanted to smile again....even when he was around me i never felt like smiling be cause he hated that smile...after that day at starting he use to kick or slap me sometimes also through things at me.... even though that hurt but what really made me cry was that he person who was always there for me in that dream world hates me in reality......

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As days goes by i accepted the reality again i was back to how i was before i met him....i couldn't even cry anymore....as days go by me started to stop hurting me....he started to stop forcing himself on me....i was kind of scared of being treated like that....to get in that dream world again even thought he hugged me whenever he came by like he use to in that dream...even though he started hugging me while sleeping even though he was making that painful expression when he bought me a book and i was just looking at it blankly.....I couldn't understand the meaning behind that expression he had so i just returned the book and and went back to work around the mansion.......

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Before i knew....i started to hate my self as well... I don't really know when it started but it felt really good when i would cut my hand and blood would flow out from the cut... It was satisfying....

Right now he is out on trip....i don't know why he again appointed servents back so now i didn't have anything to do...i my dream world i use to read books whole day till he came back from work and then we use to eat dinner together......before he went to the trip like i. my dream he gave a tight hug and kissed my forehead before leaving....he said that i should wait for him....and when he will be back we will go out on a beach like before....

But when i went to the kitchen today i was kind of curious so...i just pick that knife up and when to my room...right now i have that knife in my hand...the curiosity i am having right now...the feeling to know what will it be like...i have decided to try it.... doesn't matter how it will be...i just know that i might die...but it's not like anyone needs me...after all no one loves me....so even if i die...no one will be sad....but the only thing in my mind is how much i still love him even when i am awake from that sweat dream i had......how much i wanted him to tell me how he love me and want me to be with him smile with him.....how he would hold my hand and hug me to sleep.....But that would never happen again.....

this will be the last page of this diary he bought for me and also the last page of my life...

Goodbye Kenji

I love you and always will even when i die you would be the only one i have loved in my life...the one person who help me fulfill my wishes....even if it was only a dream.

*Ike Closed the diary and placed it beside him and cut his wrist*

After sometime when a butler came to ask Ike for dinner he saw the blood all over the bed...He called the ambulance and then there master....as soon as Kenji heared all that he went back and when he saw Ike in ICU He was hurt...his eyes where filled with tears.....When he went back he found the diary and read that...

Kenji "Even when i know all this i can only wait...wait for you to wake up....if only i have put my feelings in words and told you how much i loved you....Only if i knew how much you were suffering....if i would have ever tried how you ended up that place when i realized my true feelings... if i would have told you how much i was hurt to see that emotionless face again...about how much i missed that smile that happiness when you saw me............please forgive me.... even though I don't deserve that...but please forgive me and wake up and show me that smile again....i will never hurt you gain.....i will make you believe that only those bad memories where the dream and the reality was those moments we spend happily together........Please come back to me my love"

Kenji was crying while hugging the diary and sitting beside Ike's bed..... Knowing no matter how much he calls his name he won't answer him.....