sigh... I'm studying... in a great, high, highschool... it is known because students who are studying there is smart. I got in because of those connections... connections I just realized that I do not want. If only I could turn back the time, I will study hard just like my brother... he got in because of his knowledge and his smartness... unlike me... I'm the total opposite. Yes, I'm on the top 3 and top 5 in our class before, I got high grades... but I don't why... I feel like it's unfair, I told myself once before taking the exam, "I won't study, what's the use? I can enter because of connections."... my mother thought my brother about the possible exams while my father hired a tutor for my brother to thought him math. But me? no, no one. I only have myself to study. Guess it, my father dont want me to fail because it will dirt our family reputation. Ha, ha, ha!
What do you expect me to do? Even when I was studying in my elementary days, even tho I've been with my the same classmates since kindergarten, I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I'M AN OUTCAST!!!!!!
Yes... I got 2 friends... they're the top 1 and top 2. I'm the top 3. Whenever they call the teachers... it's always them... they always put them together... they're always close. Ofc in a trio, there's a duo!... Going back, after 2 years of pandemic it's not face to face classes. I was afraid, why? Because I want to tell everyone I'm smart! I AM SMART, but why? I've been praying that I want to be smart... like my brother... my mother.. my father... my classmates.. haaa.... I sometimes want to cry... when I was young, when my parents are fighting each other... why am I always the middle? My mom told me to lie... my father was angry to me because, if not for me my grandma wouldn't have a heart attack.. Why? when I started crying... they will be on peace now. But... why me? my brother is right there! Ket him handle it! why me...?
I'm all tired because of this... But I dont want to give up, There's this independent dream of mine that I really want to do.
This week is our longtest, I got low grades. VERY VERY LOW. Yesterday, my mother told me I was dumb... stupid... how motivating right? There are times I want to sleep and only sleep, eat, read, only that. I don't want to study, now I know why some students studying on that school wants to commit su#c#de. I was breaking down... they think I'm over reacting? No. I am not. I feel like crying so many times but I have to stand up, I- I- want to be like my brother... My mother is so smart in English and Philosophy while my Father is so smart in Math and Science. My brother is so smart about Math, he was smart, hardworking, HE HAVE EVERYTHING. I wanna be like him... i want my parents to be proud of me. That's all what I want. I feel like I'm an eyesore, I'm an Outcast ever since...
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NOTES:
‼️THIS IS BASE IN REAL LIFE‼️
‼️PLEASE READ MY STORY "IF IT'S JUST FOR ONE DAY" ‼️
