We need to break up.
This is what she said to me. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was left in a trance. It wasn’t even her voice which told me that. She sent a message on my cellphone. So, is that it? All the vows of love broken by a message?
She is the first and only girl I ever proposed to. The only girl I ever hung out with. It made me both nervous and limitlessly joyful. It was a new experience, a new way. Love. It felt like everyhing. She felt like my whole world. But things get messy when the same feelings are not mutual.
The reason for break up. She said it was due to frequent misunderstandings, her studies getting in the way and family pressure. Family pressure was not direct, she rather thought too much. She had finally come to the conclusion that her parents will never accept me. But, did she accept me, in the true sense?
It was difficult to believe. Even harder to understand. How could a person change so much? How could love die in a matter of days? It was beyond my comprehension.
She always hid our relationship from everyone, her friends and batchmates. She was concerned that if we broke up, she’d have to answer them all. She didn’t want that. I guess, she always had break up in her mind, one time or the other. Was I just a lab experiment for her? It hurts to think of the answer. Did she even love me at all? Or was I just being played?
So, that’s all about me and her, about us.
Nothing I said could change her decision. In fact, I grew so persistent and stubborn to let her go, that she had to insult me quite a number of times to keep me away from her.
Love. It can play dangerous tricks on the mind. Makes one see things which are not real, makes one blind to reality. So, as it was, I was crashing down. Right down on the face of the Earth from the skies of love. I could feel some affection for Earth, atleast she won’t let me fall below her. She would hold me and keep me safe while she can. I was glad I had someone to look upto even in the most terrible time.
But it was not her love I needed. It was someone else’s. The love which I just lost.
I love her. Or do I just love myself? In spite of all the problems she mentioned, I find it impossible to let her go, impossible to stop thinking of her. It is best for her to forget me but then I think, can I forget her? Should my interest be greater than hers? Is my happiness more important than what makes her happy? These are difficult to answer.
I suddenly feel like the unluckiest person alive. Or am I stretching my imagination too far? Am I over-reacting? I have excess hours in my days. I cannot find any stuff to keep me busy.
So,what is love? Is it a feeling? Or just some chemicals from the genitals? Did I feel it?
Almost two months have gone by, still I just can’t seem to get over her. Is it obsession?
I miss her.
I am beginning to think that love is not what everyone thinks in the beginning. It is not the promises which make love, not the sweet words and not even how much time is spent together. Love lives in the moments.
The true innocent moments of childish joy. The moments when I held her hand for the first time, when I touched her the pretty marks on her moonlike face, when I felt her cheeks at my fingertips… when her lips met mine…moments of our first kiss. I loved that moment more than I love her or myself. I wish to relive it…every single second of my remaining life.
I wish I could rewind the dials of time and bring her back to me. I need her more than anything else now.
Maybe she’s already forgotten about me. Maybe she’s moved on. Maybe I’ve been left standing like a lone fool. Maybe.
Love is unbound. It is unselfish and forgiving. It cannot be bound by promises or rules like marriage. It is not a facebook status or a social bonding. It seeks its own path. Maybe this was meant to be. Maybe that is all the love I deserved in this life. I hope I got more than I deserved. It would be good then. Thinking this, I consider myself to be lucky enough to have found her. Without her, I wouldn’t know what loving and being loved is, however short and untrue it may be.
Love is not a mystery, afterall. One just has too see it in the right perspective. Fallen in love, we get too busy with the person. Trying our best to make the person eternally ours. That is where love beats us.
Why all this? Why work hard to impress someone? Just so that we may get loved in return. We just fail to see, that love never left us. It is always there.
This is my personal message to readers. Don’t waste time making promises. It won’t bind your love. Even if it does, it won’t be the love you wished for. Live each moment of the relationship. A lot of things happen in your daily life. They happen every now and then. Troubles are always there. But when love happens, enjoy it while it lasts. Not thinking of the future, fly through your present. There are no second chances. Unless you stop by for some moments to notice and enjoy those few seconds of heavenly love around you in the daily hustle-bustle of life, it may just pass by you and you may never even know what life had in store for you.
So, do I love her or myself? I think I have finally found the answer to my question. It is neither. I just love us being together. Nothing more or less will suffice.
I still dream of her. I seem to breathe her name in every breath I have left. Will I get back my carefree life again?
I begin to think such things and it spoils my day. But suddenly, I realise how happy she must be, now that she doesn’t have to bear with me. Selfish it may be, but doesn’t every person have the humanly right to think of himself/herself only?
Thus, it is at those times I could hear that faint laugh from a far away distant source. It was her carefree laugh. I close my eyes, bury away all my sorrows and listen intently. Momentarily, I could feel my heart smiling warmly.
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