SO I HAD THIS ONE THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME WHEN I WAS A LITTLE.
I AM ACTUALLY THE ELDEST DAUGHTER OF OUR FAMILY AND I HAVE SOOOO MANY MANY RESPONSIBLITIES TO BEAR.
I have a good mother and a good father ; a perfect sisters and a perfect brother. They always thought that we're a good family ; but not inside. In the outside, we wear this mask and pretend that we're a happy family.
I'm 6 years old at that time when i realize that my mother and father was cheating at each other.
They would often fight for some simple things.
And my little sisters often pick fights with me, but i can't do anything because i am the "eldest sister". I've always asked my mother when i was a little, "mama, we only have 2 years age gap? so why should i be the one to understand them?"
And my mother would always reply "because you're the oldest sister, you should understand them because they're only childrens"
I always wanted to say to my mother that i — i am a child too, but my lips won't say it because i know that my mother will scold me again.
I've always hated it.
I admit that i am jealous of my sisters . Mother and Father would always brought them some toys and would let them play like any other kids. Not just that, they would also bring some cute accessories and dresses for them. The colorful ones !
But they would not give the same to me ; they would always bring a black dress and books for me to study. I've always hated it ; i— i also wanted those toys and colorful dresses but why would they give this to me?
Everytime that they would give me this kind of things, i would always smile at them and give them my thanks. If i tell them what i want — they will scold me for being an ungrateful child.
3 years later, on my 9th birthday. They didn't celebrate it. ON MY 9TH BIRTHDAY, I DIDN'T EXPECT THAT THING WOULD HAVE HAPPEN.
My father came home drunk as i open the door, he punched me on my chest. I cried.
He was angry at something and i tried to run away but he took out his anger at me.
My mother is still in her job and i don't have any cellphones to call her. My sisters woke up and they tried to help me by taking our father's hair.
But in the end they were punched too.
Although i really hate my siblings, i tried to ran towards them and protected them using the chair. I throw the chair at my father's direction because i — we was so scared at him. This was the first time that he came home this drunk. We cried and cried.
"Call your mom" he said and he throw the cellphone at my head ; we/he didn't expect that i would get wounded because of that. My head is bleeding but i can't feel any pain. My father is panicking as i called my mother through cellphone and told her about the situation we are in right now.
Many minutes have passed and mother came home and hugged us.
They were arguing about what my father did ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Later on they decided to divorce or break their marriage.
And ; after many years.
Ever since that event happened, My father would always blame me because of them breaking up.
He would always guilt trip and gaslighting me that i—i am the reason.
I can't even look and talk to him in a straight face because i would always shiver in front of him.
I don't know why.
I know that i was not at fault there, why is it always i am? I tried my best to be a good sister. Why would i have to take care of my dramatic and ab/usive father, and why am i the one who should be taking care of my siblings?
I've always sacrificed my happiness for them.
I stopped at drawing and writing because they said that this was interrupting my studies.
I've always tried to become one with the honors in school, but whenever i was placed in the 2nd i would get scolded again. Is it because i am the eldest? I don't even know what love is. I got easily fall for someone who do the bare minimum because i was never treated right.
I'm currently staying at my cousin's house at the moment, i am happy that no one could interfere with my happy moments here. I could write freely, draw, and can play at the park too !
Some people of my age would always looked at me playing at the park, they would always ask at their heads "she is old now, why would she play like a child?"
My answer is ; I am only doing this because i want my inner child to heal.
