I went to school like any child in my age. I was a hard-working student who always fought for the first three places. Till the fifth grade, when my youth and my life turned upside down, the loss followed our family. My father brought a mistress with him, the thing that lit up the flame of malice between him and my mother. And the victims were us, especially me and my younger brother, who was too young for that. Years of struggle made me a cold, heartless and emotionless person. I hated everything, especially my inability to change our reality. A crying mom who was hurt so much, a broken heart fades every day in front of my eyes. I grow up with that guilty feeling in my heart. My mum became the most significant thing in my life, and I couldn't imagine life without her. She was the only flame in my road. For me, she was like a hook grabbing me from the abyss. That's why I dedicated my life to her. I just wanted to change our fate from worse to better. But the pressure of trying to be a successful person, the suffering of being violated by my big brother and insulted by my sister always brings me down. In my 20th year, there arrived the day when I gave up everything and faced the bitter reality. The feeling that being paralyzed couldn't do anything useful ate me. There was a time when I lost the hope of living I lost the taste of life, everything felt bitter, and my faith got weaker and weaker, I always went to the highest roof in the house and sat down looking at the blue sky and crying waiting for death, it was the worst time I ever experienced. and the most hurtful the inability to speak my mind or finding a friend to talk to, all of them were fake because a true friend must understand the eyes of his friend right? I guess no one recognized my sadness and sorrow, perhaps I was too good at hiding my tears, or they pretended not to know. After a passing period of time, my body and soul surrounded guiding me to eat about 70 pieces of my mother's medicine and commit a suicide attempt leaving everything in my back also my precious mother, till now she remembers it and cries I was too idiotic thinking that death is the only way to escape my fate.
After convalescing, I felt a different change in myself. Well, maybe I suffered from amnesia or something like that. Because my whole personality changed so much, I didn't open up to the world completely, but I felt some optimistic thoughts bloom inside my mind. Maybe I was lacking a shock to get a hold of myself. I started everything again and changed my perspective. I found myself in writing. Sometimes you can not speak your mind but write. That's why I wanted to share my experience.
