If missing you comes in waves...
Tonight I'm drowning.
I open Instagram once again only to come face to face with another picture of you and your wife of 4 years. You look so.... happy and content with the way your life is even if some of those annoying homophobes keep commenting 'burn in hell' on your photos. You have finally embraced yourself for who you are and I'm so happy for you.... albeit a little jealous because I could never be that way. Even back then you were far more courageous than I ever was. I know you know that I'm following you on Insta.... but even then striking up a conversation with you feels like a trial from the depths of hell. After the way we ended.... sorry we never were anything to begin with. We were just FRIENDS. And it was all my fault.
As I sink deeper into my memories I come across the one that has been the clearest in my mind. The day you confessed. The day you said you loved me. I still remeber the clear blue sky above that one tree in the football field, where you and I would run to at lunch break so that we could talk about all the little things we used to share in tiny chits during class, you in that uniform with a love letter in your hand.
Sometimes I look back at that memory and ask myself one thing....
"Why didn't you say yes?"
If I had said yes would I be the one standing next to you on the alter instead of the gorgeous and undoubtedly kind Indian girl you married? Would I be the one bringing that smile on your face as we said our marriage vows? Would I be the one who got to see your face first thing in the morning as we woke up? God knows.
I know why I never said yes to a beautiful girl like you. I was too insecure, too anxious, too depressed and too SCARED of what the world would say. TOO BROKEN. I was scared of being a burden on you. I was scared and insecure that I could never love you right the way someone else could do. I was a coward.
Maybe that's what you saw too. Maybe you
WANTED to share the burden anyways. Maybe you wanted to grow together and learn how to love and be strong. But just because fear got the best of me, I lost you. I lost the chance to be myself. I'm sorry. To you and to myself for never treating the both of you right.
I have only one thing to say in the end.
If I had the chance to meet you again,
I'd choose you.
In a hundred lifetimes,
In a hundred worlds,
In any version of reality,
I'd choose you and love you.
I promise.
