"Gahhh!" I groaned *dramatically* as I kneel down, with both my hands on the air, as if asking god for mercy. "Why can't I have a normal love life!?"
I said, my voice breaking out, I cough when I felt my throat felt like it swallowed a sharp pin.
Then suddenly Ash rolled her eyes. "Girl... Get a grip." She said with a bord tone, as her eyes focused on the book she's holding. I let out a scoffed. "You just don't get it Ash... Someone like you who doesn't want to date anyone would never understand."
Ashley is my collage roommate, we didn't exactly became friends when we first met, infact... We didn't like each other at all, but then out of nowhere... I found myself becoming her best friend.
Strange how life works.
"I just... Everytime I date a guy... They all just randomly leave me." I said, my voice trembling... Like I was in the edge of crying.
Ash sighed closing her book. "Oh shush... Someday you'll meet someone... Someone who'll stay and won't be a jerk."
I looked at her pouting, she smiled softly as she walk towards me giving me a hug. "What about Jake?" She asked... Jake, Jake is a close friend of mine... But unlike how guys I usually met, Jake just genuinely doesn't like me like that. "I don't know..." I mumbled breaking the hug, I bit my lip... "I mean... It doesn't look like he likes me that way..."
"Why don't you try him out hm? And if it still doesn't work out... Might as well stop trying for awhile—"
"—what why?" I frowned at her...
"Look... I know you're obsessed with romance... Relationship... Love blah blah... But if nothing is working out for the past year... You might wanna take hiatus for finding love." She said, trying to explain things to me as gentle as possible... I know she's just worried about me, always trying to find someone... But ended up being broken. Ever since I was a kid... I have always been obsessed with prince charming... Love stories... And I saw it in real life... With mom and dad... Though mom passed away. But deep inside... I knew I could find someone the way my parents treated each other.
That's why giving up was never an option...
"I know you're worried about me but—"
"Alright fine... But if Jake doesn't work out... Then you'll need to take a break... At this point you're going to keep breaking your heart..."
Her words softened something inside me... She's right... I am tired of always getting left in the end.
I confessed at Jake... And shockingly... Or was it really? He actually rejected me... Of course In the most kindest and awkward way as possible... At least not in a harsh way right? I didn't feel sad at all. The truth is... I just confessed without even knowing whether I really liked the guy....
But before I could told him about it, he said he could give me a chance...
So... We did dated for a week, it turns out great...
Four months passed...
"Congratulations Kate... You finally beat your record of not being left for more than two months, yey." Ash said, with the most monotone tone ever, I frowned at her. "Haha not funny."
"Seriously." She then took a pillow, hugging it. "So... You think he is the one?" She asked leaning a little close.
"I think if we try... Like really try... We might actually become official..."
I looked at Ash, and there was that flicker of something on her face, she then smiled softly. "That's great... You finally found the right person..."
I shook my head... And that made her brows furrowed a little. "What's wrong now? I thought it's going great?"
I suck the lower part of my lip... I'm confused... Jake definitely is an amazing person... And romantic... He could be the one...
But... I'm not happy, it's not the same... I'm supposed to feel way better than this... Is this how love feels like? Empty? Forced?
"I don't think I'm in love with him..." I mumbled... There was a silence. God... I probably look stupid right now, Ashley had been by my side... Always supporting me, and now that Mr. Right is here... I'm the one who's having the problem.
"I'm sorry..."
"What are you apologizing for?..."
"I don't know... You've been supportive all the time... And when suddenly things are going right... I'm still not satisfied... Even though you helped me a lot... Giving advices... Giving date plans... I'm sorry Ash..."
"It's alright... If you don't feel like it's the right person, it's okay to stop... It's better for you to tell him the truth anyway. You don't wanna give him hope..."
Ash was right... I have to end it while it's early. And just like that... I ended things with him. He accepted it... Probably way too fast, which to be honest... Kinda made feel annoyed maybe?
"I knew it felt off with ya... Also... I was actually going to end things with you too..."
My eyes widen... I knew it... Something is definitely wrong about me...
Why do all men gave up so easily to me... Is it even possible for me to find someone?
"Am I... That bad?" I asked... Which I hope I never asked...
"What? No... Not like that... I never want to say this but... You're a really good person... And I thought that you need to know about this."
He then explained everything... And I was left standing there...
Tears couldn't fall down... Maybe because I was still processing things... Over and over...
Ashley...
She was the one why all the guys I dated started avoiding me...
Jake said that Ashley had this history of being jealous of me... Or whatever...
Maybe back then in the past... I kept telling myself that... But it makes sense...
She's the one picking the guys... The dates... I remember that some of my dates doesn't always go well... Like some tragedy always happens.
Jake also said that... Ashley forced him to date me... Then dump me too.
I wanted to cry... But my inside was all sucked dry.
Why...
I rushed to my dorm, and I saw her. Petting a cat. While my inside was having all the natural disasters... She's here petting a cat.
"So... Care to explain huh..." I barely could even form words... Words turned jelly when it spit out of my mouth. All those tears I couldn't bring out... Suddenly gushed out of my eyes... I was freaking bawling my eyes out.
I saw the way her face turned into this... Guilt...
So it is true.
"Why... How could you do this—"
"Wait... Let me explain first." She stood up... Her eyes gazing away...
"Explain what? Like how... How you said I'll be able to 'find the one' when you're probably the only reason why I couldn't find anyone in the first place?" I swallowed my sob... Just to continue my words... God it was painful...
My parents smiling at each other flashing through my eyes... And I saw me... And Ash... Just exactly the happiness I saw in my parents... When everything started there... Of me dreaming of a love life just like them.
There was this cold ice pressed against my throat that's spreading the inside of my chest...
"How could you do this to me...?"
"Kate... Please... Let me explain..."
I glared at her. I had enough of this... "No... I can't right now..."
I was about to leave... Then all of the sudden... She grabbed my arm... Not painfully but firm...
I didn't turned to look at her... I just stared on the ground... My shoulders shaking...
"I like you... No... I wouldn't do all those... I'm in love with you."
"Th.." I turned around, I was fuming...
"What kind of sick joke is this?..."
She let go of my arms...
Her eyes trembling as tears spills down her cheeks...
"I've gone too far... I'm so sorry..."
I took a step back...
"Kate... It wasn't supposed to be this way... I just don't think you'd ever like girls... You were always talking about prince charming... Guys... I thought I could change that..." Her eyes was wide... Intense at that moment...
"By making guys... Dumped me over and over?..." My voice was hard... Broken.
"I'm... Horrible... I'm sorry..."
"Sorry? You're not sorry at all Ashley... How could you... Smile at me... Tell me everything is okay? When you know you're behind all of it... Even worse... You kept doing it over and over... I don't buy it... You're not in love... Stop using love against me... What are your real intensions?!"
Suddenly... Her eyes sharpened, my blood spiked.
"Not every love is... Beautiful okay? It can be just like this... Intense... Unreal... Toxic... But for me... Those are way real than your stupid love stories..."
I froze... What is she talking about... Stop... It hurts... Stop...
Those good memories I had with her... Lost its own colors...
"But even when I thought you were some... Lovesick... Disney princess... I found myself falling in love... so yeah... This shit is real."
I couldn't breathe...
But what's worse... My heart is... Beating strangely. Maybe it's a heart attack... Yeah probably that...
"I love you... I doubt anyone could love you the way I do right now..."
My heart is beating too fast...
The thing about humans... We don't really care about the morals when it comes to liking a person... When your heart beats... That's it... You're fucked.
Only my brain can say that it's wrong... Definitely wrong. She manipulated me... Lied... Betrayed me... And she's crazy... Right? So... No...
DU-DUM...
DU.....
dum...
DU DUM....
GAHHH!
"I... I don't get you... I..." What am I... Saying!? Reject her... Tell her she's crazy... Now...
"Are you alright?..." She leaned close... "You're burning..." She whispered into my ear... "Am I... The reason of it?"
I used my palm to push her away... But it was goddamn weak...
I rest my forehead against her chin...
"You're a jerk..."
"I might sound like an absolute asshole... But... Please give me a chance..."
All my life... I thought love was... Lovely... Sweet....
What the actual fuck did I ended up with?
"You're already an asshole..." I pushed her away. "Fine... But. We're not not going to date just out of nowhere... I want to know you... The real you."
"But that's just like dating?... Come on... I've been waiting for this moment..."
"Fine. Give up then—"
"Alright... Alright..."
I'm still mad at her.
"Kiss me." She said...
"No way. That's your punishment."
