I used to have a best friend and she was everything to me. I wasn't an outgoing kid, and I had just moved to a new school. If I'm being honest, I'd convinced myself that I didn't need any friends because we would all grow apart when we left for college. But nevertheless, she'd always try to talk to me, or take me around and at first I was annoyed. (Ik I was such a BEACH 4 years ago but bear with me) However, at some point I was charmed. I ended up somewhat befriending other people while knowing her and I became a therapist. Ironic how the one who hates people became the one they relied on a lot huh? But the one person I could NEVER truly understand was her. Uhhhh, we'll call her Ashlynn?
A year later, in 8th grade 11 of us formed a friend group and somehow she was considered the leader because she knew a lot of people around the school. At this point, I already considered her my best friend because I told her things I never really told others. She had her own best friend, and a boyfriend too but honestly I was contempt with not being her #1 or anything close to it. Again, I never really understand her so I desperately wanted to try. I couldn't bear the thought of not knowing at least somewhat what someone is thinking being a makeshift therapist myself. But I could never truly get her to open up or rely on me, at least not until she was done feeling whatever the hell she was feeling. Somehow, she relied on me in another way, I'd do almost anything she told me to.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like she told me to get myself in trouble or beat anyone up, I'm not stupid. It was just simple things, like carrying bags that were too heavy for her, giving her things from across the room, the shiz. At some point people said i was like a slave and she'd laugh. (ALSO I FLINCH WHEN SOMEONE RAISES THEIR HAND NEAR MY FACE CUZ SHE WOULD SOMETIMES PRETEND TK HIT ME IG? BUT OFTEN SHE ACTUALLY "ACCIDENTALLY WOULD but it's fine)
Looking back at it now, that was honestly really pathetic of me... A lot of people still wonder why I did all that, or got mad at me for not knowing my worth but I don't think it was anything much. I would've done it for anyone I truly cared about, she just happened to be the person who made use of it. That carried into freshman year and the friend group got cut in half due to some drama. Yes, absolutely shit went down because we were THAT toxic friend group with the "leader" and we were all just too blind to see it at the time. Anyway, I knew that two of my other close friends weren't exactly close to her either despite knowing her longer. And so for that freshmen year, more drama went on with 2 new students but NOT IMPORTANT. Summer before sophomore year, I find out that she's not coming back to our school. So I had a terrible summer of agonizing over not being able to go to school with her.
Sophomore year starts, and everything is different. The table we used to sit at? SNATCHED by some junior beaches. I felt lost without her because I was just a dumb idiot. Her boyfriend and I would call her during lunch for about 2 months. I could tell that my 2 other close friends didn't really give a shiz and I was kind of mad at how fast they moved on. But over time, the air felt SO clear. I became a different, happier person and everyone around me noticed it. At first, I felt so guilty for actually feeling better. But at some point I realized that I deserve to do whatever I want because it's my life wtf? Then I'd see her stories with her new friends and I realized maybe she didn't need us after all and she was fine. Our school had a shitty education system so I was happy she got out too.
Se barely had contact, and if we did, I texted first. But then, her bf broke up with her. At this point, I was conflicted because she's never been the type to open up to me. And I'm not sure if I'm imagining things but she texted me that with losing him, I was all she had. I was confused but I clicked on it as soon as I got it and there was nothing. I asked her if she sent anything and she denied. I knew better than to push her so I left it alone. But I waited. Just in case she needed someone, I waited. But then again, she had her own friends. So I thought that maybe she was talking to them instead. So I stopped waiting. I felt it would be better if she spent time with them instead. But one day, I gave in. I asked how she was. And I received texts saying that I'm an opp since I hang out with her bf (kinda, my boy best friend is his best friend and tbh he's been there for me too since we're all classmates) But honestly I couldn't blame her because maybe that is really shitty of me? So I just said it was her relationship and I didn't wanna pick sides, and she said it's fine and she'd pray for me. I didnt respond. So just like that four months go by no contact. Since then, everything's changed for me, for the better. She started getting closer to God and I'm proud of her for that. Lately, we somehow made up in a way? We do text from time to time by replying to insta stories and whatnot. I don't think we're friends and I honestly don't mind that. I'm not the same person I was before who would always look up to her for everything. I respect what I have now. Sometimes I do have regrets of never sharing how I felt like I meant nothing to her but it's fine. I apologized for not contacting her and she said it's fine because I was just living my life. So yeahhhhh that's the basic tea in our school. Also because I don't really have anyone else to be this open to, so might as well feed some people who have calm lives 😭
(P.S. yes ik I messed up at quite some things but let me live)
-mint_choco
