“I accidentally married a mosquito today.”
No, that wasn’t clickbait.
No, I wasn’t dreaming.
And no, I hadn’t hit my head…
…yet.
My name is Mia, and if you’re wondering how a mosquito ended up becoming my husband, then congratulations—you have the same question I do.
It all started on Monday.
Actually…
No.
It all started because my luck decided to resign.
I was peacefully walking home when my best friend suddenly screamed,
“Run!”
“Why?”
“Because the goat has chosen violence.”
I blinked.
“What?”
Before I could ask another question, a giant goat with surprisingly majestic hair charged straight toward us.
“Why is a goat chasing us?!”
My friend yelled while running for her life,
“I accidentally insulted his hairstyle!”
“…HOW DO YOU INSULT A GOAT’S HAIRSTYLE?!”
“I SAID HIS BEARD LOOKED UNEVEN!”
“Oh, now we’re definitely dying.”
We sprinted through the streets with the goat refusing to give up.
People moved aside.
Someone started recording us.
A grandma cheered for the goat.
Traitor.
I somehow escaped by diving into the nearest building.
Panting, I looked around.
Everyone inside was wearing black suits.
There was a huge banner on the wall that read:
EVIL ORGANIZATION RECRUITMENT.
“…Oops.”
A tall man walked toward me with the biggest smile I’d ever seen.
“Congratulations! You’re hired.”
“I think you’ve got the wrong person.”
“Nonsense! We admire your confidence.”
“…I literally jumped through a window.”
“Exactly.”
Before I could explain, another man wearing a dramatic black cape burst into the room.
He slammed a notebook onto the table.
“Today’s evil plan!”
Everyone gasped dramatically.
He opened the notebook.
The room fell silent.
One employee slowly raised his hand.
“Sir… you wrote your grocery list.”
The villain stared at the page.
“…Pretend you didn’t see that.”
I covered my mouth to stop myself from laughing.
That…
Was apparently my first day at work.
The boss snapped the notebook shut.
“Right!”
He clapped his hands.
“Orientation!”
Everyone applauded.
Why?
I had no idea.
A woman wearing sunglasses indoors handed me a thick employee handbook.
It landed in my arms with enough force to qualify as assault.
I looked at the cover.
WELCOME TO THE LEAGUE OF ABSOLUTELY EVIL PEOPLE.
Below that, in tiny letters:
Please recycle.
“…You recycle?”
The woman looked offended.
“We’re villains.”
“…Not monsters.”
Honestly…
Fair point.
I opened the handbook.
Page one.
Dress Code.
Page two.
How to Laugh Evilly.
Page three.
Please Stop Pressing the Self-Destruct Button.
“…Why is this even a rule?”
The woman sighed.
“Kevin.”
A guy in the back slowly raised his hand.
“…It looked important.”
The boss pinched the bridge of his nose.
“It is important.”
“Then why is it so easy to press?”
“…Also a good question.”
A loud buzzer echoed through the room.
Everyone immediately stood up.
The boss looked serious.
“Inspection.”
I leaned toward the woman.
“Who’s inspecting us?”
She leaned back.
“No idea.”
“…What?”
“We’ve never made it this far.”
Before I could process that sentence, the doors burst open.
Not dramatically.
They just… burst.
A tiny old lady marched inside carrying a clipboard.
She couldn’t have been taller than five feet.
Everyone gasped.
The boss whispered,
“…The Auditor.”
Every employee instantly stood perfectly straight.
Even Kevin.
The old lady adjusted her glasses.
“Fire exits?”
The boss pointed.
She nodded.
“Emergency first-aid kit?”
Another employee proudly presented one.
She nodded again.
“Tax records?”
The boss smiled nervously.
“…Would a gift basket help?”
“No.”
“…Worth a try.”
She scribbled something on her clipboard.
Then she looked directly at me.
“…New recruit?”
Everyone turned toward me.
I smiled awkwardly.
“I wasn’t actually trying to join.”
She ignored me.
“Have you completed mosquito safety training?”
“…Mosquito… what?”
The room fell silent.
The old lady looked horrified.
“You let a new employee inside…”
“…without mosquito training?”
The boss slowly looked away.
“…Maybe.”
She smacked him with the clipboard.
“OW!”
“That’s a Level Seven violation!”
“I thought it was optional!”
“Optional?!”
She pointed dramatically at the ceiling.
“What if one appears?”
Almost on cue…
Bzzzzzz.
A mosquito lazily flew through the room.
Every single villain screamed.
One dove under the table.
Kevin climbed onto a chair.
Someone yelled,
“IT’S BACK!”
“…Back?”
The mosquito landed peacefully on my shoulder.
The room went silent.
The boss slowly removed his sunglasses.
“…No way.”
The old lady dropped her clipboard.
“…Impossible.”
I looked at the mosquito.
The mosquito looked at me.
“…Why is everyone staring?”
The boss swallowed.
“…It chose you.”
“I don’t want to be chosen.”
“No one ever does.”
The mosquito buzzed once.
The entire room applauded.
“…Why are you clapping?”
The old lady cleared her throat.
“According to company policy…”
She opened a tiny rulebook.
“…Section 42…”
She adjusted her glasses.
“…If the Sacred Mosquito voluntarily lands on an employee…”
She looked up.
“…the two are officially bonded.”
“…Bonded?”
The boss smiled.
“…Congratulations.”
“…On what?”
Everyone grinned.
“Your engagement.”
I blinked.
“…Excuse me?”
The room erupted into applause.
Someone threw confetti.
Where did they even get confetti?
The boss wiped away a tear.
“It’s always beautiful seeing destiny at work.”
“There is no destiny.”
I pointed at the mosquito still sitting on my shoulder.
“That’s a bug.”
The old lady looked offended.
“That…”
She adjusted her glasses.
“…is the Sacred Mosquito.”
“It drinks blood.”
“It also inspires teamwork.”
“I don’t think those are related.”
Kevin raised his hand.
“They’re in the same chapter of the handbook.”
“Of course they are.”
I carefully held out my finger.
“Okay…”
I spoke to the mosquito like it was a confused pigeon.
“Could you please fly away?”
The mosquito stared at me.
Then…
It climbed onto my finger.
The room gasped.
“No…”
The boss whispered.
“It’s accepted physical contact.”
“I didn’t even touch it!”
“It touched you.”
“That counts?”
“It absolutely counts.”
I looked at the old lady.
“Can somebody explain what’s happening using normal words?”
She flipped through the tiny rulebook.
“Certainly.”
She cleared her throat.
“The Sacred Mosquito chooses one employee every fifty years.”
“Why?”
“We don’t know.”
“What happens if it chooses someone?”
“They become its lifelong partner.”
“WHY?”
“We don’t know that either.”
“So this entire tradition exists because nobody asked any questions?”
The boss nodded proudly.
“We’re very respectful.”
“You’re very confusing.”
Kevin suddenly frowned.
“…Actually…”
Everyone looked at him.
“I have a question.”
The room froze.
The boss slowly turned.
“You’ve worked here for six years.”
“Yes.”
“And today…”
“Yes?”
“…is the day you decide to become curious?”
Kevin thought for a moment.
“…Yes.”
The boss sighed.
“Fair enough.”
The old lady ignored him.
“The rules are the rules.”
I folded my arms.
“I refuse.”
Silence.
The old lady blinked.
“I’m sorry?”
“I refuse.”
The boss looked shocked.
“…Nobody has ever refused before.”
“Has nobody ever had common sense before?”
Kevin quietly muttered,
“We hired Kevin.”
“…You ARE Kevin.”
“I know.”
I took one careful step toward the exit.
“I’m leaving.”
The boss snapped his fingers.
Two employees politely stood in front of the door.
Not threateningly.
Just…
Politely.
I smiled.
“I’d like to go home.”
One of them smiled back.
“We’d like that too.”
“…Really?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
I pointed toward the mosquito.
“Why don’t you just let Kevin marry it?”
Kevin’s eyes lit up.
“I volunteer!”
The boss shook his head.
“It doesn’t work like that.”
“Why not?”
“The Sacred Mosquito chooses.”
Kevin held out both hands hopefully.
“Please choose me.”
The mosquito looked at Kevin.
Buzzed once.
Then flew…
Right back onto my shoulder.
Kevin’s smile slowly disappeared.
“I’ve been here six years.”
I patted his shoulder.
“I’m so sorry.”
He sniffled.
“I even attended mosquito appreciation seminars.”
“There were seminars?”
“Three.”
“Were they useful?”
“No.”
The old lady closed her rulebook with a loud snap.
“Well.”
She smiled.
“Everything appears to be in order.”
“It absolutely is not.”
She ignored me.
The boss clapped his hands together.
“Excellent.”
He looked around the room.
“Someone prepare the ceremony.”
I laughed.
Nobody else did.
“…Wait.”
The boss looked at me.
“The wedding begins in five minutes.”
My smile slowly disappeared.
“…You’re joking.”
The old lady was already filling out paperwork.
Kevin was arranging chairs.
Someone rolled out a red carpet.
The mosquito buzzed happily on my shoulder.
And that…
Was the exact moment I realized nobody in this building was joking.
“…No.”
The boss smiled.
“…Yes.”
I pointed at the mosquito.
“I’m not marrying an insect.”
The old lady looked up from her paperwork.
“Technically…”
She flipped through three pages.
“…it’s an arthropod.”
“…That didn’t help.”
Kevin returned carrying a tray.
On it sat…
A tiny black bow tie.
I blinked.
“Is that…”
“The groom’s formal wear.”
“For a mosquito?”
Kevin nodded proudly.
“We had to get it custom-made.”
“…There are tailors for mosquitoes?”
“There are now.”
The boss clapped once.
“Quick, someone fetch the wedding photographer!”
A man holding a camera rushed into the room.
“I’m here!”
“Excellent.”
He looked around.
“Where’s the groom?”
Kevin pointed at my shoulder.
The photographer squinted.
“…Could he move a little to the left?”
The mosquito buzzed.
“Perfect.”
A flash nearly blinded me.
“I DIDN’T AGREE TO WEDDING PHOTOS!”
“You looked very natural,” the photographer said.
“I looked confused!”
“Exactly.”
The old lady stamped another form.
THUMP!
“Marriage license prepared.”
I stared at the paper.
“…That was fast.”
“I typed while listening.”
“You were writing with a pen.”
“I’m talented.”
The boss suddenly frowned.
“…Hold on.”
Everyone froze.
“What?”
He looked around the room.
“We forgot the rings.”
A collective gasp echoed through the hall.
Kevin dropped the tiny bow tie.
“The rings?!”
Someone fainted dramatically.
Another employee whispered,
“This is a disaster.”
I rubbed my temples.
“No…”
“This…”
I pointed around the room.
“…THIS is the disaster.”
The boss ignored me.
“Search the building!”
Within seconds, employees ran in every direction.
One searched inside a flower vase.
Another checked under the carpet.
Kevin looked inside the office refrigerator.
“…Why would the rings be in the fridge?”
He shrugged.
“You’d be surprised.”
Before I could ask what he meant, Kevin suddenly pulled a tiny velvet box out of the refrigerator.
“I FOUND THEM!”
The room erupted into cheers.
I stared.
“You kept wedding rings… in the fridge?”
The boss nodded.
“They were safe.”
Kevin opened the box.
Inside were two microscopic golden rings.
“They’re mosquito-sized,” he said proudly.
“Wonderful.”
I folded my arms.
“Now put them back.”
Nobody listened.
The old lady checked her rulebook.
“Everything is ready.”
“I never agreed to this.”
“Participation is mandatory.”
“Marriage isn’t!”
She turned the book around.
Section 42, Subsection C: Refusal is considered participation with extra paperwork.
I sighed.
“…Who wrote that?”
The boss slowly raised his hand.
“…During lunch.”
Of course he did.
He clapped once.
“Everyone, take your seats!”
Chairs scraped across the floor.
The mosquito buzzed happily around my head.
I looked at the blocked exit.
Then at the tiny rings.
Then back at the mosquito.
One thought echoed through my mind.
I really…
Really…
Should have let the goat catch me.
