My favourite poem is from Emily Dickinson.
Had I not seen the Sun
I could have borne the shade
But Light a newer Wilderness
My Wilderness has made—
I come from a family where my cousin's are toppers who are doctors , engineer's businessmen .
My parents aren't that well off . We're just fine .
Almost all of my cousin's study on schorlarships and the bar is set too high.
I got 74 % in the first year .
And I am about to complete my second year of college.
And I know I will hardly get into a good university.
Getting into average universities will be very expensive.
If I say I want to study in private university, my parents will surely get me into one.
But I won't take an admission in any university at least for now .
As I have no clear understanding of what I want to do. Also I don't want to live in the guilt that my parents paid for me that much.
If I try to be honest, I don't want to study anymore. As I know the state I am in I won't be able to cope up with my studies.
I feel so shit saying this.
I can't quit studies also because in this era this will be no better than a death sentence for me.
There are only a few things I want in my life
1. Is to live separately from my family
2. Is to at least be able to bear my own expenses.
3. I'm at least able to pray.
I think getting into army will solve my problem.
But I know the army life is too hard for someone like me.
Also , with my health it's unlikely to get pass the physical test .
I will try next year ( If I lived that long) .
But I can't put much hope into it .
Sooner or later this time shall pass but this is the most uncomfortable time for me .
I will try to be a little productive tomorrow.
I want to learn excel .I did watch a video on excel . I only learnt a little bit.
I know the speed is very slow .
About the programs I had to submit 7 days later. I only wrote 2 programs today.
I will try to write more.
Overall today was a good day.
I didn't feel much bad .
I forgot to study for a test yesterday.
The teacher asked me a question and I zoned out.
And I got up too early today .
I got scolded by my dad in the morning and I talked back to him . I was really upset. But I shouldn't have said anything back to him . I regret it.
When I was helping my little sister with her homework I scolded her because she wasn't listening to me.
And I also had an argument with my mother.( It wasn't that bad )
I didn't lie today.
( I don't remember if I did though.)
I will write one interesting thing tomorrow.
I ate 3 meals and drank water which I totally forget sometimes.
I made too many commitments today .
There is an app for simple exercises . I downloaded it. When I bought my phone. It's been 4 to 5 months and I never really exercized . It never went past day 1.
Hope I'll make it till tomorrow.
And I'll figure this life someday...... maybe..
I wish it's not too late till then.
