When My Love Is Gone

I used to believe in love that could bend mountains, cross raging seas and jump greater heights.

I used to believe everyone deserved it, even the most hideous of creatures.

My name is Agatha Maraddoch, first born daughter of King Vedrall Maraddoch of Alkavar Country. My father is a good King to his people but not much to his children.

What good is a King who is kind to his people but of his blood?

I was only ten when my mother passed, Queen Nyana and my first born brother, Crown Prince Nigel was sent to Azkavar to claim the throne from our Uncle. My brother succeeded, and became King Nigel of Azkavar. He was celebrated throughout the whole country and my father even journeyed to see him, while I was left in the castle to see my mother off.

A year later, my father remarried a Widowed Duchess from the east lands and had confessed to have had a child two years after I was born. No one commented and even shamed the King.

No one spoke of his treacherous acts, not even my mother's family who still lived with me inside the palace.

I was heartbroken of course. I cried every night in the crypt where my mother lay. I spent most nights there.

At day time my world would revolve around my activities as a princess, only I wasn't along anymore.

Elkia was her name. My father's child with Duchess Deanine. She was pretty and lively, she was kind and gentle too. But that didn't mean I was to be kind to her. I rejected violence from an early age and I knew I couldn't hurt her, even if she was my father's betrayal, his flaw.

So I kept my distance. We grew having to take the same tasks, we grew like normal children and sisters, but I've always kept my distance.

She's my father's family, but that didn't mean she was mine.

Growing up we had the same things, although sometimes I had to pave way for her because she was the youngest and it was my father's request.

He said it was the same with Nigel after I was born.

It wasn't the same. Nigel and I had different things we wanted to acquire, we had different paths, whereas Elkia and I were both princesses to the Kingdom.

Then a thought had struck me, I have always dreamed of a love that could take me away from the palace. Someone who would love me, someone whom I could call mine.

And I did.

He was Crown Prince Tristan of Hallicave. Hallicave Country had long been in alliance with Alkavar and King Rodin have always been good friends with my father.

The King and Crown Prince of Hallicave visited us on my sixteenth birthday, I had received plentiful amount of gifts and flowers on my coming of age day but none can compare to Prince Tristan.

I believed it was love at first sight. He had asked me to dance and it was supposed to be a simple dance but he took up the time where my father was supposed to dance me and we both hadn't noticed the time.

We snuck out of the ballroom that night and I gave him a sight of our famous garden. He loved it. We talked and even played the entire time by the fountain and for the longest time, I felt happy and all the loneliness has swept away.

We both knew how it felt when I told him abot my mother. He too had also lost his mother at such a young age, with no one to cry on.

That's when I made the decision that I would always be on his side, always.

We made a promise that night, that when we're older we'd get married and I thought at first that it was absurd, but he wouldn't take no for an answer.

They were to return to Hallicave the next day and he had promised me, he'd return on my eighteenth birthday and ask for my hand in marriage.

I didn't promise him anything but I was looking forward in his return.

After that night I was in the clouds. He sent me letters almost everyday after that night and I replied him back.

For two years we had gotten close, there wasn't a single thing I didn't know about him and him about me. I truly then believed that he was the one for me. On occasions when I'm frustrated, he would comfort me and give me descriptions of Hallicave Palace and the places we should visit when I come for a visit. And when he's too worked up and tired from all his duties as Crown Prince I send him my own handmade pies and flower seeds straight from our garden so it would remind him of Alkavar Garden.

It was a surprise because he loves flowers and his favorite where Marigolds. When I asked him why, he said it was because Marigolds where my birth flowers. Fair enough, because I too had also been planting Aster in our garden, his birth flower. When I told him about this he was so happy that he rode on his horse that same day and went to see me.

I saw him briefly on my window, we didn't talk or held each other but I felt safe, comfortable just seeing him and his smile.

The next day he had sent me a letter, telling me one of their guards caught him and mistaken him for a thief.

I loved how I was happy and I loved him the most. I thought after my mother's death, my brother's sudden departure and my father's betrayal would have scarred me for life and prevent me from living it but it didn't. It was because of Tristan that I've had hopes, hopes of moving on and healing.

It was only a few months before I turn eighteen and I'm feeling excited than ever. I had requested a private audience with my father and he insisted we share lunch.

I planned on telling him about how I had decided to invite Tristan and ask my father's permission to grant him my hand in marriage. My father may not be so much as a Father but he is a King and it would be beneficial to earn Hallicave's permanent alliance. I was confident he would agree.

But the moment I finished talking to him about it, he declined.

I had been too confident.

My request was declined and I was already set to marry Bellizium's Crown Prince Zaide Ragnar. And to my dismay and anger, Tristan will be married to Elkia.

It was the last straw, I wanted to throw a fit and destroy everything my hand could reach but I kept it in and asked him why. Why Prince Zaide?

He said that their Kingdom had been conservative for too long amd they had the most supply of oil which both Alkavar and Hallicave are in need to. If I were to seal the deal with the Kingdom then the alliance would be made and our kingdoms would prosper even more.

I couldn't fathom it. Elkia, why couldn't she marry Prince Zaide?

My father had said that I was chosen because I was the eldest and that Deanine would be devastated if she'd lost Elkia since Bellizium is a four day's journey.

When I had asked him why Deanine couldn't just live with Elkia when she had moved to Bellizium he said I was absurd!

And how could I have thought of separating a daughter to her mother?

But wasn't I like that too? He didn't even hear me whine or cry or look for my moher when she died, I endured? Didn't I?

There was no use and I was already tired. The hope I had held on to all this time, I unconsciously let go. My hands scalded from holding it too tight, it had only dawned on me how it was burning me the whole time.

I couldn't accept it and he threatened me. Bellizium had already agreed of our marriage and if I was to decline, Bellizium would take it as an act of betrayal and deceit. It would cause a rift that could result into a war.

And so I had no choice but to accept the marriage.

...........

I couldn't tell Tristan of what happened. I wanted to see him but I couldn't. My father placed extra guards around me and so I was locked in my room with only my food and duties being delivered to me.

It was agonizing. And I started to cry even more than when I had lost my mother.

The day of my 18th birthday came and Bellizium was first to greet me. Zaide was much more different from Tristan, he looked cold and reserved but he was gentle when we were asked to dance. He didn't speak much, which I find a little awkward but not uncomfortable.

Hallicave arrived just in time for dinner, they were caught up after a herd of sheep disrupted their path causing their delay.

I couldn't look at Tristan, in any moment now, the arrangement on both our marriages will be announced and I couldn't bare to look at him.

There was first a toast to the Four Kingdoms present, Alkavar, Hallicave, Modesturn and Bellizium. Then a toast to welcoming Bellizium.

After the toasts, my father proceeded to announce the marriages and as I expected, Tristan denied it with force.

There was a commotion regarding this and if I hadn't stepped up and cleared the misunderstanding then there would probably bloodshed tonight.

My heart shattered in pieces when I had told them that I was marrying into Bellizium. It wasn't easy to throw those words, I had practiced day and night without crying and without thinking. And now I could speak it.

My heart had once died and so, it wouldn't hurt to die the second time.

The matter was settled and I asked for the marriage to be held at Bellizium first thing tomorrow, this came as a surprise and had my father double thinking.

We had planned for the marriage to be held here but I just couldn't. Not when Tristan was here. Not when I knew I'd break his heart even more.

That night he came and snuck in my chambers. He told me he had planned for an escape and that we'd go far away, just the two of us. If I wasn't already hopeless and maybe if I had told him days before today, I would've gone with him. If I wasn't so weak and depressed now I would've gone with him. If I wasn't full of hate and anger, I would've gone with him.

And I didn't.

I left him for my anger and my revenge.

We left for Bellizium the next morning without a word. Throughout the journey Zaide has been kind and caring I got to know him, his knights and even the King. They were good people and as my father said, conservative.

We reached Bellizium and I couldn't believe its sights. It's beauty is beyond compare. Full of greenery and mountains, and the bluest seas I have ever seen. It was paradise.

A day after our arrival Zaide showed me all the beauty and places within its walls. I was astounded of its resources. Zaide suggested we move the wedding to a later day, since it was modest to show me around the kingdom and get to know its people first.

Several days later, I have grown to like Zaide and his family, I felt their warmth, that I haven't felt with my own. But my heart still ached for Tristan and with every garden, every flower I passed by I couldn't help but think of him.

Days progressed and it was already time for our wedding. It was a simple wedding in the forest, with trees decorated with white garlands and lamps and the kingdom in witness. Before I stepped into the isle I received a letter from my father and a gift wrapped in a silk cloth. I wasn't surprised to see what it held, and I knew this was coming.

I kept his letter and the silk cloth in my hold when I walked down the isle and when I accepted Zaide's hand.

At dinner I sat next to my husband and hand him my father's gift.

He was astounded and it was the first time I had seen him in rage, his eyes burned in hate and pain.

The letter contained the use of the poisoned powdered leaves wrapped inside the silk cloth. My father had ordered me to put the leaves in Zaide's drink that would kill him instantly.

That night I had decided that my enemy was my father and that I was going to bring Alkavar down to the ground.

..........

We met with the Bellizium Council and discussed of my father's treachery and deceit. I managed to get them off my back when I swore alliance to the kingdom and that I would help in anyway that I could to bring my father down.

Zaide trusted me completely and so did the King.

It took months for the plans to progress and a few weeks to convince my brother to join me. He too had started to hold grudges against my father when he was sent off to Azkavar and was forbidden to return for my our mother's funeral.

...............

And at last that day came when I had to come face to face with my father for many months.

We disguised a lunch with him, I had told him his plan on poisoning Zaide on our first night didn't go as planned when I spilled the powder on the wrong meal and had to dispose of it. I also told him my many attempts on assassinating Zaide and the King had failed due to my duties as Crown Princess.

I managed to hold my father into this scene while Bellizium knights and their king and prince deal with the kingdom from outside. Ambush was the plan, just as he had done with our Uncle in Azkavar and attempted on Bellizium.

It was too late when my father was summoned from our lunch, Alkavar was already in ruins, the people were spared of course, it was one of our agreements but the knights of Alkavar who had trued to defend its walls died in honor.

The army had resumed into half which wasn't a surprise, Modesturn and Hallicave were nowhere near to interfere and so it was an easy victory.

Fortunately, Deanine, Elkia and Tristan were spared, today was supposed to be their last appointment for their nearing wedding. We let them stay for the execution of King Vedrall, by King Rasmus Ragnar of Bellizium.

When the execution of King Vedrall had been made, the alliance between Hallicave and Modesturn was now in question.

I spoke and told them that the alliance of Bellizium with Hallicave and Modesturn will be terminated and that Alkavar will now be known as a province to the Republic of Bellizium.

Deanine protested and begged me to hand the throne to Elkia since she is also a daughter of Vedrall but I denied.

It was time to stop depriving true bloods of their rightful place. Alkavar was my brother's Kingdom since he was first born, but his family and his domain all these years had been Azkavar and he has cursed Alkavar the day our mother died and so the right of ruling Alkavar was mine and mine alone.

In my last act of kindness, I gave them free access to the waters of Alkavar for when they return to Hallicave and deliver he news. Tristan is soon to be King and so I advised him not to return or even try to set foot in Alkavar or Bellizium.

This was the third time I had shattered my heart into pieces. There came a time when I thought I'd kill Zaide and Rasmus to gain Bellizium and Alkavar altogether, and I'd ask Tristan to come rule with me, but I wasn't my father.

I refuse to be him.

And so I left Tristan for the second time. He didn't say much but I knew what he was feeling, I could tell by the way he looks at me.

This was the end for us.

I've left him for my anger and revenge and now, I left him once again for my duty.

I would miss his face and I would read all his letters before I go to bed, and I wouldn't see him ever again.

Zaide and I take the throne, I may not love him, but he's the one I need. My heart may ache from time to time and it might shatter when I try to put it back together again. But when the love is gone, there's not much to lose.