Unsaid love..🖤🖤....
Author: Jaan
Love..?... What's this ?...
The person's who doesn't understand love... for them love is an unknown feeling......
The person's who don't have love.... for them it's a dream...
The person's who plays with love.... for them it's a game....
But...
The person's who understands love.. for them.... It's life....
We often get confused about these feelings....
When we get love...we don't understand it....When we understand it we have already lost it or can't get it .. Sometimes we play with love and when we get serious love plays with us......
I also got confused.... And trust me those confusion were the best before getting confirmed....
Today I'm sharing my unsaid love...unsaid feelings....
Okk First of all let me introduce myself....
I'm jannatul Ferdous Liza..... I'm Muslim..☺️☺️....I live in Bangladesh.... I'm Bangali.... And I'll be 21 in this December...
I still remember everything clearly....5 years ago In 2017.....I fell in love...Btt at that moment i couldn't get it....Like other days i was lying in my room on my bed and was scrolling my news feed while having ice cream... Suddenly my eye's got stuck and my fingers stopped scrolling when i saw a photo of a group of 7 members....I found all of them very cute and specially V... After seeing the photo my eyes got stuck on the name where was written..BTS..
Then instantly i got into you tube and started searching there songs and vedios....
After seeing there songs i was quite impressed....Even though i couldn't understand any meaning of the lyrics at first btt i still loved it....
Then randomly i started seeing there vedios....I found V very cute in the group...I mean like he is still very cute....btt let's be honest guys....He looked sooo innocent back then....Then I liked Namjoon as in RM...The leader of the group....I found his dimple smile sooo cuteeeeeeee.....He was such a cute baby.....Then Jimin...who looked like a rich spoil kid...btt in reality he was pure... Then j-hope... Who couldn't laugh only with his mouth btt whole body....Then yoongi....who looked like a kitty....Our World Wide Handsome...Jin....who looked like a mother of this group.... And lastly comes JUNGKOOK....My jaan....when i first saw him...I was mesmerized by his cuteness....His innocent doe eyes.....His giggles..His smile.....Nose scrunches....His messy hair....I love everything......At that n8 i fell in love...Btt i couldn't understand that at first... Coz it's not like i fell in love before...He was..is and always will be my first love....
After that n8 i started seeing vedios of him.... it's not like only him....Btt the biggest reason was him...I am a very introvert kind of person...I don't have many friends.....I have 2 best frnds....bcoz of my introvertness i couldn't get any frnds till 8th grade....After that i got my 2 best frnd..until now i have only them....Many persons used to hate me....bcoz i was very introvert....They thought i was showing attitude....I was gd with studies while they were not.....I was leader of my class and in many field while they couldn't get the position....They used to hate me....After that they started bullying me...not physically btt mentally....I was fat back then....Soo they started talking shits....Like.... Don't talk with her she is arrogant...She doesn't have frnds bcoz she has a very bad character....She is weird...Who want's to be frnd with a nerd and fat girl like her.....Ohh my god...She is sooo fat....So old fashioned.....Bla bla bla....Btt i was soooo strong...now when i think of it...i feel proud of myself.....I used to avoid them....I found them too ordinary....they couldn't enjoy everything like i was enjoying...I know I'm a very introvert kind of person btt that doesn't mean i don't enjoy myself...
stealing snacks for late n8 movies.... Going on a trip alone by myself... Clicking picture of nature.... Treating myself with different expensive food.... Having big dreams..... started to getting independent.... Enjoying dancing in the rain.... Having all secret for myself....And still sooooo many things....
I was leading quite a decent life....Even after having best frnds i couldn't share everything with them...maybe bcoz they wouldn't understand my feelings the way i can....or maybe i got used for being always there for me....I was quite gd with controlling my emotions....btt after him i couldn't do it anymore.....
After that day it became a habit to see his vedios.... seeing him smile... giggling....At that point i didn't get that i was falling in a trap what is called love.....and when i understand those feelings the situation of mine wasn't nice.....
I started having family problems....My father lost a big amount of money in business in 2018....The father with whom i had my best memories i was loosing him....He started behaving differently...Like shouting.... Saying negative things....I started getting used to it slowly as i said i can control my emotions....btt the problem was that his behaviour was changing only towards me...Not my siblings.....It was me who was tortured not anyone else....Even he started shouting at me about something what wasn't my fault....He started blaming me saying i was a bad luck in his life....His loss of business happened bcoz of me....coz I'm an unlucky girl....He started finding me very irritated.....From then i started appear more emotionless....Only my mother used to love me and support me.....I couldn't cry in front of anyone bcoz she would be anxious.... Whenever my father used to shout at me she started giving me excuses...like he is sad...he is tensed...he didn't mean it... it's all bcoz of his loss... don't take it to ur heart.....And i just used to nod......To make her happy.....
Bt one evening it got out of hand for me ....He came home and without any reason he started shouting at me ... Unluckily i was also frustrated at that day bcoz of some other shits....So when he. started shouting and saying negative things i couldn't tolerate it and started giving him answers....And when i couldn't take it anymore and asked him what is his problem...?...He answered me i was his problem.... After hearing this i toned down my voice....I again asked with a shaky voice...what can i do to make u happy ?....He answered.....Go and die....Then i can have peace... At that point it felt like i lost everything.....From starting i was losing...my smile....my confidence.....my happiness..btt that day it felt like i lost myself....He is my father....I love him soooo much.....Btt when i heard those words from his mouth i got stunned....I looked at him and just said one thing.... I'm sry....
I turned and ran into my room....i locked the door and got into my bed....i was trying hard not to cry...coz i knew if i stared crying i will lose my shit....so i was sitting on the bed while grabbing a pillow tightly....and was saying one thing again and again....
"HE DIDN'T MEAN IT....HE DIDN'T MEAN IT...HE WAS JUST ANGRY... DON'T CRYYYY..... DON'T THINK NEGATIVE THINGS.... HE DIDN'T MEAN IT...... DON'T HURT URSELF...."...
But it wasn't working....I started loosing my shit....i couldn't stop myself from having negative thoughts......I was blank.....i only had my family with me at that point....btt he started hating me.....While having those thoughts i couldn't control my pain....It was hurting like hell..... i was feeling that someone is stabbing my heart with a knife at every second... I have to stop this pain anyhow....If i didn't them i will definitely hurt myself....i started having breathing problem...
At that point....I got a call...Which calmed me somehow ...I could finally breath.....U must be thinking who was the person who called me. ?...r8 ?....
Btt it wasn't the person who calmed me...It was the ringtone of my phone which was Jungkook giggle and laugh.....When i could finally breath...i didn't think anything and quickly grabbed my phone then cut the call....The next thing i knew was i was seeing Jungkooks vedios........In which he was laughing... talking...... being the innocent soul he is.....I didn't know for how long i repeated those vedios......Btt when i got my sence back i was smiling.....I noticed i can finally breath properly....I got rid of negative thoughts which contained harming myself.... and the shocking part was that without even knowing in that situation i was smiling....By just looking at his pure smile.....
When i was thinking all of these things i heard another giggle....And I FELL IN LOVE AGAIN...
After that moment he became my happiness.... Whenever i used to have arguments or bad mood i started seeing his picture or vedios .....it would put my mind in ease.....And my feelings started growing stronger day by day.....
I started collecting his picture in a album....I started celebrating his happiness....I again started smiling while thinking of him.....I started celebrating his birthday....Not like others....
I take a candle.... a small cupcake.... And took all of these things on the terrace with me correct at 11:50pm....I light the candle....and put it in the cupcake.....then under the sky i start to pray to my Allah for him......After 5 min....I would got the alarm....then i look at the moon or star or sky and wish him a happy birthday.... In my religion we trust that we shouldn't blow a candle on anyone's bd...we should just stop the fire with our fingers... it's quite easy...soo after wishing him....i would put off the fire of the candle with bare fingers. .and then have a bite.... That's how i celebrate his bd every year.....
He became my habit.....and slowly my breath....I know.... I can't have him.....I know someone else have him in her fate.....Btt it breaks my heart to think about it.....I can't do anything....And u know what's the funniest part......He doesn't even know someone like me exist....Who love him more than her life.....😭😭......Even while typing this tears r flowing from my eyes.... I can't do anything about the pain...... it's hurting....it hurts a lotttt.... trust me.....A lotttttttt.....
Someone needs a lot of courage for this one sided love....U know u love him a lot....btt u can't see him....u can't hear his voice....u can't touch him.....U can't hug him....U can't kiss him....U don't know how he smells...U can't be the reason of his happiness....He wouldn't even know about ur existence....btt still u love him more than anything or anyone in this world....It hurts.....when he is sad and I'm not there beside him.... I can't say this to him.... Don't worry jaan... everything will be alright.... I'm here... I'll make. everything ok.....Just don't be sad.....I love u....😭😭😭😭...
It's okk even he doesn't love me back...I don't want anything from him...Btt want to give him every happiness of my life and take every sadness from his life.......Even for once i want to see him.....I want to touch him......... I know it's not possible.....btt still i can't do anything with my heart......It only beats for him.....From 5 years.... it's only beating for him.....My only happiness in this whole world is he....Btt still I can't even say that to him for once..... Whenever i think that other than me someone else will touch him or say him i love u.....It feels like hell.....It feels like someone is stabbing 1000 times in my heart with a knife.....My first and only love.....I don't wanna love anyone else other than him.....What should i do.... Sometimes it become soo painful for me to think that i can't see him.... Sometimes i really wanna hug him tightly in my arms and cryyyyyyyyy a lot.........Not only his picture..... ......
i wanna be in his arms and see the moon....i wanna hear his heartbeat....i want to give all my love to him....I want make him feel that he is the most luckiest and special person in the whole world....I wanna hold his hand and talk with him for hours....i want to hear his voice which makes my heartbeat uneven.....i want to share ice creams with him while walking in a park.....I want to cook for him and feed him with my hands....I want Caresse his cheeks while he is sleeping......I want to hear my name from his mouth.....Even for once i want to have him in my arms ...just to know how it feels when u have ur whole world in ur arms.....
Btt it's all a dream........I don't know why i am crying r8 now ?...why is it hurting sooo much ??....
I love u kook....i love u a lotttttt......I love u soo much that i can sacrifice myself for ur happiness.....I can have every pain of this world for u....I want all of ur sadness in me.....I wish kook if i could see u.....U r soooo far from me ........
I miss u....I miss u in every second of my life...... I'm scared kook..... I'm having problems with my brain..... I have started forgetting a lot of things...even persons....Dr said it can take my life from from me ifff i stay like this....Btt he doesn't know even if i die...my heart will live in u......Maybe Allah have granted my father wish.....
Even if i have to die i will die happily....Btt I don't wanna forget u kook.....It scares me that if i ever forget u I'll go insane..... that's why i have pictures of u everywhere beside me.....in my phone....my bedroom....in my album.....in my diary....i have written everything about u and me in those diary's...so that u can't stay away from me.......
I don't have the strength to write anymore....i will not be able to control my self then....I just wanna say this unsaid words to u....
I LOVE U JEON JUNGKOOK.....I LOVE U........I LOVE U A LOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTT..............😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
