I am noone. I am someone. I am that noone you see in the streets but don't remember. I am that someone you love to talk to and hope to remember forever. I am me. I am you.
"Do you wanna come with us?" she smiled at me. Her mouth is smiling but her eyes are cold. She knows that I would refuse and I know that she meant only to ask as an act of politeness.
"No. I'm sorry but I have something to do." I smiled politely.
"Aww, okey. Some other time then." she made a pout looking pitifully at me. But her body is already tilted towards her waiting friends. I smiled at her.
"Yes. Some other time." She ran towards her friends. She didn't know that I saw it. It was brief but I saw her mouth curving upwards in a smile when I refused.
'Some other time' I smirked. Yes, the same scenario would play out the same way some other time. Like a broken record. She'll ask and I'll refuse. Isn't it funny?
"Are you arlight?" he asked a trace of concern in his eyes.
"Yes, I was merely thinking about something. It was nothing actually." I replied.
He stared at me, his brows knitted. "You're doing it again."
"What?" I asked.
If there are people whose sincerity with you are questionable, there are people who are genuine.
"I know you. So? What's up?" He said nudging me in the shoulders.
"The sky is up." I retorted sarcastically.
"Idiot." he mocked.
"What did you say, you a**h*le?" I smacked him.
"A handsome man like me was literally asking an ugly woman like you nicely and that is how you answer. ugh. my heart." he gripped his chest faking a sad face. The glint in his eyes were full with mirth.
"Who said I'm ugly?" I said glaring at him.
"Of all the things I said, that's the only thing that you notice? Women and aesthetics!"
Everything is a contrast. You will never know the importance of light without darkness. The feeling of hope without despair. To hate without first feeling the joys love. To appreciate life by knowing the presence of death.
"Why do I feel like I am losing you?" I asked, tears streaming down my face.
He held my hands and pushed me closer to him. He rested my head on his chest as he softly stroke by hair.
"I always love the smell of your hair." he whispered. "What shampoo did you use?"
"yours." I whispered between sobs.
"hmmm? I can't hear you if you keep sobbing like that."
"I used yours." I said in a very tiny voice.
He was silent.
My friend. My brother. My lover. My family. My all.
It was perfect. We are perfect. Everything is perfect. So...
Why do I feel like cracks are forming?
Or the perfect scenario that we are living was actually imperfect from the start?
"I love you." he murmured.
Yes, I know. I know of his love that overwhelms me sometimes. His love in mocking jokes and secret whispers. His love in the form of soft kisses that traces the center of my forehead, the tips of my nose, my cheeks and my lips. His love on soft caresses as he hokd me close to him. His love as he embrace me to safeguard me from cold and rain. His love that sends shivers from the top of my head down to the back of my spine then to the tips of my toes. His love that shines bright that it burns.
All sins are sins no matter how small it is or how big. But the greatest sin in the eyes of humans for I can only judge through the eyes of a human is betrayal. Betrayal of a lover, a friend and of family. It wrenches you heart, breaks your mind and kills your 'self'.
I keep asking myself. Where did I go wrong? Did I take everything for granted? Was I not enough? Did I nag him too much? Was I too fat? Did he lose interest in me because I was ugly? He kept telling me I was ugly. I am indeed ugly.
"Who's that guy with you?" he asked me one day.
"Who? You mean my co-worker?" I answered, confusion etched on my face. I can feel his seething anger. And I don't know, I am getting angry at him too. Is he accusing me?
"Co-worker huh?" he spat.
I see. I am getting angry now. Of all the time that we spent together since. Does he really not know me? Does he not trust me? Would I still be with him if I think I treat us as a joke?
It was funny. It is still funny. He was angry at me because of some acquaintance I am not close to. And I am angry at him for not trusting.
You see, there are a lot of types of betrayal. I felt betrayed by the person who I thought know me best but doesn't know me at all.
Separation is a decision that is either the best or the stupidest ever made. You will never distinguish its worth until you regret it or feel grateful for it. Separation merely disconnects physical distance. It never disconnect feelings and memories. You will continue to be hurting inside. But how you deal with it is the most important thing. You will either let it consume you. Or you will consume it for yourself.
You are noone. You are someone.
One day a noone. A stranger in the streets.
The next day, a someone. A lover, a friend a family.
Then you become 'that' someone who is now treated as noone.
