Who Am I Without You

Here I am, worried about my own life, by trying to grow up and get through the terrible years of school...When someone is dying in theirs. Perhaps I wouldn't feel this way if we had never had become friends, but we did and now...Now I know what it's like to have lost someone special to me.

I didn't think it would just end like this, that is...Our friendship and our time together. I am grateful for the time I had with you, yes, but that doesn't mean I was ready to no longer have you by my side.

Do this, do that, yet I forget sometimes it could be someone's last day.

I never thought it may have been the last time I saw you, the last time that you walked, talked, laughed and giggled...Never...

But I really do care! I didn't understand straight away, why it was so painful that you were gone, but now I know why...

We used to ride the bus together to school, one time snickering upon a girl who totally over reacted.

It was just a simple little thing where the girl was just too sensitive, yet...I remember it so easily right now. Perhaps I remember this because it was the only time that I had ever laughed at someone else...It was only when you were by my side.

We used to share stories and write to one another, getting into trouble for doing it in class...One time I had to say what we had written out loud...Boy did we get really embarrassed! But again, I was never one to get into trouble before you...Then I started to get into trouble quite often...

We used to laugh and point at the boys when they acted silly and giggle like the girls we were. Well, I felt like a girl when I was with you. I felt like I could become someone that could have fun and act immature, much different to when I'm at home alone and doing my chores and having dinner without anyone else there...

We were best friends...

Obviously we shared many things but it took me a while to realize who your crush was and it occurred to me upon seeing that you really did single one of the boys out...Like all the time!

I'm an idiot for never knowing...But again, I had not noticed boys before you came along. I did not think there was anything to them at all, perhaps they were a hindrance, but you changed my mind...

So many conversations that we had, brings me to tears today.

You encouraged me, making me come out of my shell. You helped me see that there was indeed another part of myself that I had never known was even there!

You cheered for me and many times...Many times did we talk about our feelings, to which you were the only one I did that with...

Now...I cry because I don't know who I can say my feelings too. Actually, I'm having trouble understanding my feelings at all, and that was something else you too helped me with....

We used to cry because our mum's said 'no', but now I cry on my own.

I cry because I'm alone, sharing our places together...I'm alone sharing our memories together.

I cry because you are not here anymore...

I am, once again, at home all by myself, doing my chores and making my own dinner, instead of going to your house and playing with makeup and laughing at silly things, especially things like you copying my homework because your dog really did eat yours...Seriously...

I don't see any point going into the backyard right now, what would I do?

I don't see the point of going next door to play with a kid that is a year younger than me...I just...Don't have the energy or want at all...I'm just here, at home, staring into space and feeling tears drop from my face...

I remember our times together and get emotional to the future that you no longer have. Perhaps it would have been better if it were me, as you were the fun in everything. Everyone loved you, everyone will miss you...

Why am I to stay behind?

If only you hadn't pushed me out of the way...If only...

I feel sad, upset, angry and more, because I really do care!

Wishing and regretting to something that will never happen, to have you here once again...

To, just once, share a bus again. To, just once, get caught writing to one another...To, one more time, go to a small kids park and play on the small equipment, pretending to be babies. To, one more time, hug you and tell you my problems. To...Have you by my side once more...

As it would be better than nothing at all.

Just one more hug, one more giggle and snicker. Just one more cry because our mum's said 'no'.

Why...

I didn't make friends with you easily!

I don't want to be with anyone else!

I want you back!

I was like the ugly duckling, the invisible girl, the loner.

She found me...

She gave me a chance...

But why, why is she now taken from me and reminding me upon what it's like to be alone all over again!?

Why?

I find that...I miss her terribly.

I sit on the bus, and zone out. I no longer smile, even if many others are laughing.

I am...Missing her so much!

I no longer sit in 'our spot' at school, I no longer even care that there are something called boys...

I no longer have the courage to point and laugh, yet alone put my hand up in class...

I've changed, perhaps changed to who I used to be but in a more miserable state.

I know what it's like to have someone so special in your life now, so how could I not be different though?

Yes, I'm very different.

I might be the 'ugly duckling' once again, but this time I don't care, where upon last time I did.

I might be the 'invisible girl' once again, but this time I want to be invisible because I'm scared that I will care this much again...

I might be the 'loner' again, but this time, well...Let's just say that I'm just living as the days go by in hours, so if I'm a loner, perhaps that is just whom I'm going to be for a while longer.

No longer able to say farewell personally, even if I wouldn't want too.

I mean...Who would want to say goodbye to their dearest best friend?

No, they are gone and that is that...But I still really care!

I care so much that I think the entire world has changed.

It's not just me, but the whole world!

People ask me 'What's wrong?' and I don't know what to do.

Do I tell them that I don't know what to do now?

Do I tell them that I'm not ok?

Do I tell them that I'm trying not to cry and that I can only handle each hour as it comes?

What would they think if I said that?

Would they tell me that I'll be fine? That time will heal my wound? That I will find someone just as great?

Well, isn't that just a reason to not bother to speak back then?

Just like me, they are probably doing their things in their lives and don't need me to go on about mine.

Would they even be interested?

I miss her positivity...

She really was the light, and I the dark.

I am negative and don't trust easily. I think that is because of how I grew up.

I still have both parents, they just both work and it is rare that we are all together.

Just like before, before you, I am back to thinking negatively about my life.

The glass is half empty...Before it was full.

I didn't know what I wanted before, then upon being with you I wanted your aura to surround me...

...I'm lost...

I care for your past and how you've become the person of today.

Yes, we know each other's dark secrets but now...Nobody knows mine.

You became a person that smiled and learnt from other people's mistakes, I am, on the other hand, someone that makes mistakes but nobody ever told me about them...That is until you.

You told me that a backpack was better for my back, that anger is a secondary emotion and...Well, there were many things that you learnt from your dad, that is just two.

My dad works at a mine, only coming home once a month for a few days.

He isn't a bad dad, but...I can't remember learning much from him...In which makes me envious of you, my best friend.

You had a divorced family, I didn't. You had a poorer family, mine wasn't, yet...You shined so bright, against my dark vortex that...Yes, I was envious of you.

I liked sitting next to you, I was seen.

I liked talking to you, I was heard.

I liked spending time with you, I felt special.

How...What...What am I without you now?

I care because you cared for me, making me feel appreciated and special.

I'm not sure what you saw in me, I don't particular think that highly of myself and always wondered why such a radiant person like you...Liked me...

You would laugh whenever I asked that, so I didn't do it anymore but now...Now, I guess I'll never know.

I'll never know why you would play with me the most, why you spoke to me the most...Why you smiled at me the most...

Nonetheless, I will still continue to care about those you've left behind and what may be connected to you.

I know you loved your dog, so I will see him tomorrow.

I will give him great big hugs!

I will give him so many hugs that he shouldn't question upon where you are...

I'll...Probably hide myself in his fur because I already know I'm going to cry again with him in my arms.

I'll go see your dad too.

I'm sure he's sad and upset that...

...Maybe I shouldn't see him...Will he blame me?

Should I...Should I apologize?

Should I ask for his forgiveness?

Should I tell him that it should have been me that was died?

...You've left all of us behind, reminding me of the past and what you did in your last breath.

Why did you save me, only to get run over instead?

Your dad and dog will miss you...I'll...Miss you...

I'm sure your mum will miss you too.

Your friends...

Now we have to find a way to accept our lives without you...

But what way is there?

To see you smile and laugh, to see you walk about, will never happen again...

All we know is that you have touched me enough to care, so I will miss your presence, miss your personality, miss your way of life.

But...I don't want this again, never!

If I care so much, I will have to feel so low all over again.

How do I move on?

How do I live?

And then...How will I become someone that befits the person you saved!?

Hopefully now, I will learn, learn not to forget or feel.

Perhaps this might not be the way I should go, but I need to move forward somehow. I need to make your last act something that was worth it. Something that you wouldn't regret.

I need to do this, not only for me, but for your dad...For your dog.

They are without you, so I must try and make them feel that it was ok, that what you did was ok...Right?

Wiping my tears, I nod, even though I have no idea upon where I got some type of enlightenment from.

All I know...Is that I'm still here.

Even if you are no longer here and that I wish it had been me, I will still try to make up for what you have done and pay it back tenfold.

I know...That you would get angry if I just waste away and do nothing.

You will tell me to have courage!

You'd tell me to take the chance on the roller coaster, go to the beach that has bigger waves, to climb the tree that was taller...

...Ok, I'll do it.

I'll do it for you.

I'll live for you and perhaps, living like that will help me find a way to live for myself too.

My life is no longer my own, it is also yours, my dearest best friend.

Let us experience it together.

Let's see it together!

With the thought that I was basically living my life for someone else, I started to feel ok.

I was still sad...I was still upset but...

I'm going to be ok.

I will try not to be so negative, I will try to smile.

I want to give others a chance and I want...

I want to live my life better...

I'll try not to think 'Why?', instead, I'll just try to have fun and do the best with what I have...Right?

Can I do it?

Do I want to try?

Yes...Yes I do!

Because I know that my life would be better this way...

I know though...Deep down...I will always wish, that if anyone saved anyone...

It would be me saving you....