Is anyone ever alone? Can anyone ever be alone?... Why can't I just be alone?!. Tch what a world. I thought to myself as I sat in my grandfather's chaise lounge staring at the ceiling.
My name is Ruthel and apparently I'm a boring girl who just wants everything to come easy without help or without bother. My dreams? #chuckle My dream is to walk out my fucking door every morning with my long sad face going to school without anyone "helloing" (if there's anything like that) to me; to stay in class without having any need to talk or make friends; going back home without having any need to deal with motherfuckers who can't keep their comments to themselves. I just want a happy life where I can be loyal to who or whatever I want, dress however I want and walk the streets without anyone looking. I want the life of a ghost. Does that make me a sadist?😞.. Or maybe I just want a quiet life with close friends but then, I hate commitments.
My life is just so so..
Really sorry for the F words.
So my story begins
Woke up one cold Monday morning, it was the harmattan period. One could sleep for thirteen hours straight (which I did) and still want more. Harmattan is a period with limited laughter because if you laughed too hard.. mehn.. you'd be sure to get a broken lip. As I yawned making sure I don' open my mouth so wide with my hands up in the air, I stretched like I wanted my bones creeping out my skin.
"Gosh what a night", I said in my mind.
Adjusting my white pyjamas, I stood from my bed still drowsy and walked towards the bathroom. I did the usual thing every normal human would. Was done freshing up in less than an hour and was ready to move with my big black hoodie, very loose blue denim, a pair of black jean sneakers and my backpack.. of course..
"Good morning grandpa, good morning grandma", I hollered.
"Good morning Ruthel", they answered in sync.
"How are you?"
" I don' want to go to school, that's how I am", I said as I sat at the dinning digging my teeth in my bread filled with eggs.
"And why is that?", grandpa asked with a smirk.
"It's too peopley out there", I grumbled.
(There's nothing like peopley please let's take note. What I mean is there are too many people)
"Well you have to meet with people your age, interact with them and know what's going on. You can't keep complaining ab..."
"Actually I can grandma", I interrupted her in a low tone while arching my eyebrow.
My grandpa looked with concern and asked what the problem was.
"There isn't any grandad. I'm just tired of seeing too many different people. My brain can't even keep up", I scoffed.
My grandpa looked at me with a piercing and steady gaze; disbelief written all over his face.
Actually there was.
"Okay okay fine, there is", I said whilst picking my cup to sip a little of its content.
Ever since I was little, I kinda took things seriously. Like one time when I was in primary school, my family's driver asked me to either peck him or hug him. I was dumbfounded. He probably didn't mean anything by it but my mind went haywire. How could he just ask me to do that out of the blue?! Yes we were close but what would my dad say if he was there or my mom. I started thinking, is this some sort of child abuse or what. Though people wouldn't take it that way but trust me it graduates. I hugged him anyway but each time I saw him, I could feel my face burn. Not because I liked him but because I felt used or something.
Another time, I was on my way coming back from school and my neighbor who was a married man with five kids tried to take advantage of me, in fact he did. On entering my house he dragged me by my arm and saying all sorts of things that would definitely move a bimbo. I was still. Why? I was only in Junior secondary. Why do these things keep happening?. As I struggled with his grip, he pressed me against the wall and forcefully kissed me and told me to meet him in his house by five in the evening. I didn't know what I felt. Was it shame, anger or what? A lot of thoughts clouded my head as I watched him strode up the stairs. Does he really see me as stupid? Is it cos I'm small?_
I always saw my height as my problem. I hated being small. It made people look down on me; they try to take advantage. I hated it soo much_that was long ago though.
_As I opened the door, I greeted my parents who didn't know what just happened and I wasn't planning on telling them. I got in my room and cried my eyes out. God! This life!.., I thought.
I've been humiliated and embarrassed countless times at a young age in sooo many other cases. So many. But I put them behind. I buried it all within me. Meeting a psychologist, I trust they'll say this has subconsciously ruined my thoughts about people. I'd partly agree to that but I don' think that's the case.
The actual problem was ever since I changed school, a lot of rumours about me have been giving people tickets to disrespect me; to look at me with eyes that screeched disgust!. I mean, truthfully I don' care what people say, the thing is I don' want to hear anything about me be it good or bad. So I told my grandpa. Then he asked what the rumour was and how it all started.
I was in my second year in university and I really thought I was invisible. I mean I tried to be until I met Tisha. Tisha was beautiful, elegant, brilliant and every other good thing you could qualify someone as. She was totally different from me. I can't even remember how we met and became close friends (Truth was I didn't regard her as one. I only pretended to be. I was much too scared of commitments to have a close friend).
Being different was what was causing commotion in class as I was a tomboy, clumsy and never gave eyes to anyone. By anyone I mean guys. Now how could a tomboy be so close to a beautiful girl like Tisha if they're not in a relationship. *Booooom. The first day I heard it, my mind screeched with anger though I was smiling. The hell? Okay maybe I was reading too much meaning in that I said to myself in first year but this second year, I definitely wasn't mistaken. They said I was a lesbian and that they see no reason why they would try to talk to Tisha and she'll ignore them. They claimed they saw us being intimate in class and I'm like WHEN!! They even went as far as saying I fucked her if not why would she behave like she didn't need guys in her life and blah blah blah..
" What utter rubbish could people assert! Seriously I thought people had brains! Mind you I'm not homophobic. In fact I don' read comics that are not LGBTQ based but I'm not a lesbian", I found me talking to myself in my mind like a psycho.
"Is it my fault if Tisha doesn't want to talk to you? How is it my influence that makes her not want to ask you for favours? For crying out loud she's my friend, she'll come to me first if there's any problem. Why can't y'all mind your businesses", My brain exploded.
I heaved a really great sigh.
I wasn't worked up for me because I found it amusing after the first day I heard it. It became funny to me. I was angry cos of Tisha.
She called me one Saturday afternoon saying the news was spreading to other departments and she didn't like it. As she spoke, I could feel her voice shake in fear. She was close to tears. This_ this shattered me. It broke me I swear. I felt anger swell up in me. She talked about her image being tarnished and how it could cause a long term lingering problem in her life. I was dumbfounded.. She finally burst out in tears after trying to hold it in from the moment she called and for the first time in my life I was wrong about my own feelings. I said I didn't regard her as a close friend but the truth is I didn't want to admit we were close friends. Her tears pierced me like I was the one who used an arsenal on myself. I felt trashed, I felt incapable. I felt a lot of things in that short time as she sobbed. Worst of all she said I should try and change. Try and change? Change to what exactly?, I asked myself in anger. "How could she say such a thing? I thought she liked me this way like she always said". I couldn't even utter a word so I dropped the call on her. After about a minute she called back but I wouldn't pick up. I was scared to because I had never felt that sort of pain lingering in my heart before. I never imagined I would be the source of someone's unhappiness. Not to talk of someone i cherish so much telling me to change because of what others thought.
I laid on my queen sized bed, my hands and legs spread wide open with my mind filled with unclear thoughts. I even imagined me having super powers and using my psyche in knowing who started the rumor so I could beat them up with strength like that of wonder woman's. #Sighs.
What to do.
I shook my head and forced myself to sleep as that was the only thing I could do. Luckily I slept quite hastily.
Time passed, a day passed and then it was Monday.
So there I was narrating my ordeals to my granddad. He smirked and he said, "There's no need to change or be scared. This is life and what it entails. You might even experience worse situations, why let such a trivial matter worry you. And about your friend, hear her out, she probably just said those things cos she felt depressed. If that isn't the situation, I trust you'll make a wise decision. C'mon now you'll be late for school".
And so there I was in my granddad's old BMW on my way to school quiet as ever and waiting with minimum anticipation.
Why can't people choose not to see me? Why? But the little angel in me always has an answer, "It's cos you're alive hun. People's words and thoughts about you shows that you're significant. Their words are a proof of your living. If no one talks, it only means one thing - YOU'RE DEAD. Just take it as them being jealous of you getting access to what they never will".
Hmm I thought. I didn't think I could give myself such solid advice. I laughed out unknowingly and so did my grandad.
"It doesn't still change the fact that I want to be alone so I don' have to listen to what others say or try to bother comforting someone", a tiny voice in my heard grumbled.
Hello guys. My name is Ruth and I'm writing my very first novel, Secluded, a GL story and also a BL chat story, Love me. Please let's try to read and refer to friends and if you have any complaints please comment. Thank-you and God bless y'all.
