Seeing and admiring you used to be so easy. But as the years got by, it got harder and harder. You, who was shining at even dark and cloudy days, and me, who was shy and scared all the time. I was so furious at myself for only being able to watch and observe you from the distance while you walk by others with pride and confidence. I wasn’t jealous, not the slightest at least not about you. But your friends were a whole different story. Especially the girl sitting on your right. The only girl in your friend group and the only girl that you have ever been close to.
They say that she is only a childhood friend but I don’t believe them. The way that she looks at you and you look at her doesn’t match what you’re saying. The way you touched her was off and most importantly, the way you thought about her was annoying. I detested her! If only she didn’t exist. Her perfect long and brown hair, her model like figure and her crazy outgoing personality. The way she sways you away from my eyes and makes you look at her with a hint of lust in them. Why isn’t it me that you look like that at? Why!
Why aren’t you glancing at me while we have class and the teacher is spitting nonsense. Why aren’t you touching me with your long and small fingers, hugging me in your loving embrace, kissing me with your tender lips. Why aren’t you letting me satisfy your lust and the fire that burns passionately inside you. Why aren’t you letting me be her? Why!
I remember that exact day that our eyes meet for the first time. You were walking in the hallway with your friends by your side. Of course you were in the middle of them all and the one that shined the brightest. The sleeves of your white shirt where long and noticeable under your black suit. Your blond hair was looking all wild and soft. Your armes were moving with your conversation but your lips parted and closed and parted again on every sentence you spoke. You didn’t mean to look me in the eyes but I believed that it was fate. Your eyes looked in my own and you flashed a smile on my way. But all that I could do was stand on place and keep watching how you walk past me and leaving me all giggling and blushing. That was in the start of your second grade.
I remember the second time that our eyes meet. You where sitting i the classroom and waiting for the teacher to start the lesson. Then when the teacher came and announced about the assignment groups. You fell into the group of 4 people that were the most unpopular. I was so happy and excited that I could hardly breath. The teacher made you sit with your group and you got to present yourselves. You and the others in your group didn’t look much interested and I felt like my heart would explode from happiness and my small brain would overwork. My eyes where shaking and I felt my cheeks being all red and blushing. That day is one of those that I could never forget. That was in the middle of your fourth grade.
After the assignment time, we looked at each other in the eyes more. Like the time you said good morning to the class and our eyes meet and the time you said see you tomorrow to your friends while you saw me. Or when we walked home together because we took the same way. But I was of course being all shy so I walked about 3 meters from you.
It was around this time when I realized about my feelings towards you. Of course I started to notice you more. My feelings only got deeper and deeper as time went by. I stated to create opportunities for us to meet “accidentally” and for us to walk home together again. It all went smoothly until the sixth grade came. That was when a new girl came to your class. She was loved by everyone on the very first day. Every girl wanted to be friends with her and every guy was realizing about the developed crush towards her. She was the model student with perfect looks, perfect family and perfect grades.
It’s all her fault! The reason why I never could walk home with you anymore. Why all you did was watch her, and fall for her. I hated her more than one could think. She followed you everywhere and I was left to watch it all happen. How you played truth and dare with all the classmates but leaving me in the corner. How you got dared to kiss her by one of your closest friends. How you leaned in for the kiss and your lips meet. How you two got into a relationship and where called the class couple. How you started to kiss each other more passionately behind the school building after every lunch break. How you came out of the school toilet all hot and smiles, sometimes your clothes where slightly off. Like your or hers buttons weren’t how it should be. I also remember that one day when you told your friends that you did the deed and they were clapping for you both and decided to throw a party. But leaving me alone in the corner, again.
Miraculously, you didn’t get into the same collage and for the first time in forever, you weren’t in the same class. That year you broke up with her and decided to find yourself another women to hold hands with and I thought that I had a chance. That the fate that you weren’t in the same class was meant to be for my opportunities. But before I could say a word, you found yourself another women. She was much more mature and professional since she was the professor. Your grades got up and while your classmates where wondering how you did it, only I knew how.
Your relationship with the professor only lasted 3 months and you broke up on the day of my birthday. It was another sign of fate. Someone wanted us to get together but that happiness that I felt only lasted shortly. The next day I got to know that you were cheating on the professor with another girl. That girl was from the local coffee shop and you spent most of your time with her. Eventually you gratulated from collage and moved to the neighbor city, me following closely behind you.
You let the girl move in with you to your apartment and the girl gladly accepted the offer. I watched you both getting serious and then, on a snowy yet cozy night you got on one knee and asked for her hand in marriage while she jumped up and down in joy. The date was set on the day of my birthday but you didn’t care. The only thing that I got to do was sit in the corner again and watch it all happen.
After some couple of years, you made her pregnant and you received two children. I watched you dealing with the children in both happy and sad times. When the children got older, I got to realize how much time had already gone by. But my heart was still unmoved.
As I now sit on the outside of the window and think about the life until now, you open the window and hold your arms out for me to jump on.
“Kissy cat, dear Molly. Come to me inside the warm” I set my pawns down on your arms and jump on your shoulders. I lick your cheek and let the warm inside swallowing me up. This is only way how I can stay with you so it’s worth all this pain.
