People say I'am lucky,
People say I'am way to good,
People say I'am precious,
But...
Am I??
Living a peaceful and good life
But am I really happy??
"You are the oldest you should understand them"
that's my mom every line when I got a fight with my younger siblings....yeah people love who am I, and what I can do....but the feeling is indifferent if your parents is the one who is saying those things to you...
I'am Tiffany and currently 16 years old...in my age I got a lot of responsibility as I'am the oldest...my dad work abroad so we can have money to spend for our needs....while my mom is a housewife and currently doing part time jobs...
"you grown up so fast...you become so beautiful"...how I wish my mom could compliment me like that but..nahh...it can't even come true
suddenly someone knock in my door..."come in" I said,....a little head pop out outside the door..."can I borrow your tablet for a while sister??"she said while coming inside....I'm about to answer her when she hurriedly go towards my gadgets.."wait no!!..I'm using it..you can borrow it later"I said while getting it in her grip...but in my surprise...she fight back and pull the tablet in my hands....
"ackkk-wahhhhh"she shout loudly when she flop in the ground....I'm about to help her stand up when mom come inside my room
"what happened here??"..she said while helping my sister stand up....I'm about to say something when my sister talk..."I'm here to borrow sister tablet but she insists of giving it to me"she said,..."as I said I will let you borrow it la-" I didn't even finish my sentence when mom suddenly speak..
"why didn't you just let her??..you can use it later"...my mom said.."but I'm doing my research so I need the tablet"....I said...."are you even studying, all you do this days is playing with your gadgets"...my mom said...I can't deny it...yes I'm using gadgets everyday but not for fun and games...I'm using it as I want to study hard and reach my goal and make it come true....but I know that even if I get an evidence my mom won't believe me..
"don't fight with your siblings your already old enough!!"
"he will not fight back if you didn't do anything to him first!!"
"why did you make your sister cry!?"
"why are you talking back at me!!?"
"you are being ungrateful!!"
that's my mom lines everyday I got fight with my siblings...so ironic right...in every fight I'am the one who will be blame, I'am the one at fault...even if I'am not the one who started it....but what hurt is I'am not denying it...I'm just listening silently in her scolding more like I become emotionless....what can I do, even if I explain my side...mom will never believe nor care about it...so there's nothing to explain..if there is no one to listen to you
"you love your cousins much more than your siblings...and that's not fair"my mom said
how can you expect me to love them dearly if I turn to different person in front of them and other people..
"you respected others the most than me...even though I'm your mother!!"...my mom said while crying...but what's irritating is I'm crying too...I'm crying all the pains that I didn't let out for so long
but what hurts is...seeing mom cry...but what...what I can do....she misunderstand me....she change me to a different person....my relation to her become distant.....
but even though I didn't hate her nor my siblings...but
I Hate Myself!!
I hate myself for being weak and fragile
I hate myself for keeping all the pains by myself
I hate myself for being emotional
I hate myself for not letting all of my pain gone
I hate myself for not getting to hate them
because that's who I'am
I'am weak
Very weak
having no friends and cousins to tell my story because I'm afraid they will judge me...I was afraid that maybe they will think I gone too far...
but all my pains are not noticed by them nor mom and dad.. how??
simple
I tried to act happy and lively infront of them...with them...but naturally my old me already fade away in the start....my old happy, lively, joyful, and funny life become dense, cold, quiet, and emotionless...
it's fine for others...but for me it literally hurts...it hurts like hell that I'am the one who is severely suffering in all of us ...it's hurts to see them happy and lively with each other...that I'am left alone....
but what can I do??..it's my fate..and I can't escape it....but for all of the time....I just have one wish
Just One Wish
and that is....
I hope someday mom can known my value
I hope someday mom can known my pain
I hope someday mom can discover her mistakes
I just hope someday....mom could be fair and let me feel the love she always gave to my siblings
I Hope Someday
