I quickly covered up my mouth and swallowed any sound. I'm afraid that if I opened my mouth, I felt like I was going to scream. I felt nauseous. The moment I realized it, my back was cold, and my stomach was twisting. I feel like my insides are being torn apart. I want to throw up. Would it be better to vomit than endure these feelings?
These feelings... It's the same as when I saw actor Yoon Heesung on the screen, my heart felt very heavy. I had been somewhat horrified by the insanity inside me. It was suffocating. It was stuffy to have something foreign inside me. So annoying. I thought it was just an unpleasant feeling that would disappear after getting rid of the human being. So, I did it.
But somehow, we got reunited. The feelings of rumbling, frustration remained the
same. Yoon Heegyeom still shines brightly in my eyes. And that makes me get
weirder and weirder. I was determined to destroy it for good.
At the same time, it was so good to be with him. There has been no sex that has been so satisfying. I fell deeply into the satisfaction of the sex he gave me. He gave me more pleasure than any ecstasy and other partners could give me. But I would never let any guys hold me, so I let this relationship go on between us. I wanted to indulge in those pleasures until I got sick of it. I could give him what he wanted and what he needed. This relationship is just an exchange to satisfy each other's needs. I treated him as a male prostitute. I'm sure the reason he stayed is that he wanted something from me. Just like everybody else...
Otherwise, I couldn't make an excuse why I eagerly needed to do something for him. I wanted to help him so badly. I want everyone to respect him and hope Yoon Heegyeom lives in a better house, a good luxury car, and wears many designer clothes that he likes...
By the time I admitted it was my own desire to help him, I thought of him as a loving pet. That's what I conclude from this relationship. There is this sharp pain in my heart whenever I see him turning his back on me. I'm very attached to him because I thought of him as an obedient pet. When he left, it's natural for me to feel pain, but it is not something that I should suffer for long. I thought I would forget him soon enough.
However, I didn't know that I would be suffering for the whole 6 months when I left Korea. I couldn't hear Yoon Heegyeom's name at all. I was worried and desperate. No matter what I did to distract myself from him, his name, his face, and our moments together would come to mind. Regardless of how many crazy things I did, how many drugs I took, any methods I tried, I still couldn't forget him. It only bothered me more.
Nothing has been organized for the last month's trip. It was just a moment for me trying to remove, avoid, and cover up any irrelevant feelings. I refuse to accept it. I didn't want to accept and admit it. Feeling losing to someone? No. It's not that light of a feeling. It felt like I'm in despair. I'm in denial. Throughout my life, I never once ever felt despair. I know I'll spend my whole life being alone. I don't need those feelings in my life. I don't want to feel anything.
I can't admit it. I won't admit it. Or so I thought... But actually, I was vaguely aware of my true feelings. I can feel it. I just pretended not to know.
Even though I might've gone crazy with all the pain and suffering, I was still going to avoid it for the rest of my life. When I saw the poor appearance of Chairman Jung laying on his sickbed, I thought it would be an opportunity to stray further from him. I promised to remarry, study more about management, and focus on being the successor of TY Group.
But in the end, my heart remains the same... When I met Yoon Heegyeom, I felt like I had become a different person, but still, the same Jung Jaehan will always be there. It's not that I could just simply change myself completely without any reason or determination to do so.
By the time I realized my true feelings, I was, in fact, losing hope. The reason I came here after wandering back and forth on the streets late at night is because I am desperate. If I didn't come to this place where I saw Yoon Heegyeom for the last time, I felt like I would go to Yoon Heegyeom's house.
" ".....Haaa."
My breath is trembling as I let out the sound. I barely raised my head and looked at Yoon Heegyeom. He is still asleep in that awkward position in front of the glowing
blue light from the monitor. My breathing sounded a bit heavy, but it didn't wake
him up.
Luckily he is sleeping. Otherwise, he would have read all the emotions that I couldn't hide from my eyes when I entered the editing room. The moment I confirm Yoon Heegyeom is in front of me, I am relieved, and my heart is fluttering once again. I didn't intend to meet him anymore, but there is a strong feeling of longing inside me. I want to see him so badly.
I shouldn't have come. I'm regretting it. I really shouldn't have come here. Then I
wouldn't have seen Yoon Heegyeom's tears. All the defense mechanisms to protect me immediately broke and eventually made me admit it. His tears reflected by the light clear up all the vague outlines and silhouettes of my emotion. That's it, no more denial. I couldn't avoid it anymore.
"...... Yoon Heegyeom......
While sitting on the floor, I call his name softly. I'm glad you're asleep. But deep down... I want to see your eyes. It's a pity I can't see your eyes.
My heart is pounding, not because of discomfort but because of the desire to have him to myself. What I feel right now is longing. I don't hate it, but I'm impatient. In the end, I had no choice but to admit it. From the moment I saw him 5 years ago... I like him.
Jung Jaehan likes Yoon Heegyeom.
