Broken Hearts (vminkook)
Author: JIMIN GOT JAMSš„š°
Jungkookās eyes are closed, and heās lying in bed.
He can feel the filtered sun through his thick clothes. His feet are bare, and he keeps moving them, enjoying the cooling sensation from the ceiling fan.
Jungkookās eyes are closed, and he imagines.
He can hear the door opening, the soft pitter-patter of Jiminās footsteps toward him. He can feel the bed dip and the arms that lay around him, the soft hair that tickles his chin, the press of a light weight over his. He can feel the gentle curve of his waist on his fingers and his natural scent still remains as vivid as itās always been.
Jungkook feels a smile tease involuntarily at his lips. He can hear Jimin asking for cuddles so he rolls over to wrap his arms around him...
Empty.
His arms close over nothing, landing dully on the mattress.
Jungkook opens his eyes, and it feels like theyāve been shut for hours. Itās no longer day time, dusk shining in through the windows and bathing the room in a peachy glow that shouldnāt be so quick to yank him down to reality.
Jimin isnāt here.
He isnāt ever going to be.
Jungkook sits up. His head feels heavy, spine sore against the thin wood of the headboard. Jiminās bed would always creak, and it still does now.
He looks over at Jiminās things. The dressing table, his makeup and skincare that has long since expired but will never be discarded. His armoire filled with his clothes that have gathered dust over the past 4 years. Theyāre losing his scent.
He wonders if Jimin's things miss him. Do they wonder where he is? Why he disappeared one day? Does he miss them?
Jungkook doesnāt think he can be selfless enough to return them.
Jimin doesnāt need his things anymore. He has lots of new things.
Jungkook has nothing. This is all he has, this apartment filled with Jiminās old furniture, products and clothes. Sometimes, he looks through Jiminās pictures. He has this photo album, and Jungkook even found an old digital camera full of Jiminās pictures from when he was a teenager. Heād spent the entire day going through it, wishing he could turn back time and ask his father to send him to a small public school in Busan rather than the prestigious institution he went to.
Maybe he wouldnāt have turned out so fvcked up then. Jimin and him, they wouldāve been childhood sweethearts. He knows Jimin didnāt have a good time in school. Jungkook wouldāve saved him, protected him from everybody, killed anybody who looked at him with anything but admiration in their eyes.
Stop
Yes. Jungkook isnāt supposed to have those kinds of thoughts anymore.
He canāt meddle in Jiminās life. He canāt.
He has his own life to live.
Jungkook isnāt allowed to be here. If his family and doctor found out, heād be in big trouble. As far as they know, heās let go of that part of his life. Jimin is his past.
But Jungkook canāt see a future without him. He canāt. Not when it feels like his existence is rooted in him, his solar plexus strung up tight as Jiminās existence orbits around him like an inescapable omen.
They donāt know about this apartment. Jungkook visits intermittently so that he doesnāt raise suspicion.
He had to, after seeing Jimin with Taehyung.
Seeing him so happy, as if everything were right in the world. Jimin doesnāt seem to bear any scars from him.
Itās like Jungkook never existed.
He gets up and off the bed, walking out of the room and toward the front door. He wonders if Jiminās furniture heard his screams, this apartment being right next door to the one they used to share. Were they privy to his breakdowns, his collapse down to nothing but a fragile body with a weak mind? To what he used to be put through every day?
Is Jungkook going to hell?
He knows he is. Heās come to terms with it.
Jungkook picks up the old digital camera before leaving. He turns it on and presses the buttons, going back to the first picture it ever clicked.
Itās one of Jimin, smiling shyly into the camera. He looks so young and his hair falls into his eyes. Heās still wearing his school uniform, loose and baggy over his frame.
Jungkook looks at the date. It was taken on Jiminās 13th birthday. This camera mustāve been his birthday gift.
He scrolls through the others, some of Jimin taking shy mirror selfies, some of vague scenery, a few of some animals. He sees Hoseok in one, a shot of him cycling and then another with their heads pressed together, smiling into the camera by a bridge. They were friends back then, too. Jungkook remembers Jimin telling him.
These memories belong to him now.
Jungkook sets the camera down, putting on his shoes and leaving. Heāll visit another time.
He hasnāt gone into his old apartment. Not since everything fell apart.
Jungkook looks at the door as he calls for the lift, looking at the doormat. Thatās where Jimin lay when heād thrown him out, sobbing his heart out.
'No no.'
'Donāt think about that.'
'Think about how happy Jimin was with you'
Jungkook smiles.
He can still love Jimin.
Even if itās from a distance.
-
Jungkook makes it home just in time for dinner.
Thereās someone to open his car door and someone else to park his car in the garage, so he lets them. He walks up the stairs and heads straight to the dining room.
āHi, son.ā His father greets immediately, sitting at the head of the table. Jungkookās eyes fall to the seat saved for him, right next to his Hyung who smiles at him warmly. His sister and brother-in-law continue to eat.
āHi,ā Jungkook says quietly.
He then eats with them, listening to conversations about work and some client. His Hyung tries to change it up, proposing another family holiday. He has a new girlfriend and Jungkook is the only one who knows. Heās going to meet her next week.
Jungkook shouldnāt want for more, and it feels wrong when he does.
He canāt help but feel like heās going to float through the rest of his days here, his feet carrying him through a foggy path till it eventually cliffs off to the embers of burning hell.
In some sense, he canāt wait.
He knows that what waits for him isnāt salvation
-
Jungkook loves to drive.
He always has. He likes driving through the city, stopping wherever he likes and walking around. Once, he even drove all the way to Daegu and ate lots of food from a small family restaurant. He stayed in a motel too. He hasnāt done that again since his family gets upset when he doesnāt tell them where he goes.
Jungkook is being treated the way he always wanted to be growing up. His father takes an active interest in his life. Heās suggested that Jungkook can come back and assimilate himself into the business but heās unsure about when heād be ready for that yet.
Right now, heās driving through Seoul.
He also knows where he is and what time it is, but heās convincing himself that there arenāt any ulterior motives to todayās plan.
As he drives past Jiminās workplace at 4:30 pm, heās still surprised when he sees him walk out the doors. Objectively, thereās no reason for him to be nervous. Jungkook doesnāt drive the same car as before and heās now parked across the street, so Jimin canāt recognize him.
He wouldnāt have to find out the truth of what the dancer feels for him.
Jimin is as beautiful as he always is. His platinum blonde hair suits him, and he seems confident.
"I didnāt know he was going to be here", he tells himself.
"I didnāt know where I was driving, I had no idea", he tells himself.
''Weāre meant to be", he tells himself.
But then something happens, and everything comes crashing down.
Thereās another man, probably another fellow dancer. He sneaks up behind Jimin and throws an arm around his shoulder.
He clearly didnāt expect the reaction he got.
Jimin recoils heavily, falling over his bicycle that he was about to get on. It sends the ones parked next to him crashing down to the ground as well, and Jungkook notices the way Jimin is already tearing up, body trembling. He wraps his arms protectively around himself, looking up at the other man with wide eyes from where he lays on the ground.
Jungkook feels hollow.
Heās never ever seen Jimin react that way to physical touch before.
The other man seems extremely apologetic, helping Jimin up with a firm hand, apologizing continuously and picking up the rest of the bicycles. He watches as Jimin continually reassures him that heās fine, apologizing in turn for his reaction. Jungkook can still see the way his fingers shake, a touch of uneasiness to the way he carries himself. His leggings are torn at one of his knees from the fall and Jungkook sees a hint of blood.
Why did he react so violently? The other man is clearly a friend, given by the way Jimin treats him.
'Itās because of you'
'Youāve ruined him forever'
It suddenly hits Jungkook all at once.
Jimin doesnāt love him. How could he, after everything heās done?
'You hurt him'
Jungkook forced Jimin to stay. He forced Jimin through hell and back and even though heās survived, Jimin still carries his scars that run deep.
If he reacts this way to a friend, how would he react if he ever saw Jungkook again?
They canāt ever be together again.
Jimin wonāt ever love him again, not when all thatās in his heart when it comes to him is fear. He hadnāt seen it that time when heād spotted him with Taehyung, and thatās a testament to how different, to how better Taehyung always has been.
Jimin is suffering.
Heās suffering just as he is, even 4 years later.
Jungkook wanted to leave an impression, for Jimin to remember him.
But not like this.
This isnāt what he wanted. Jimin is supposed to be happy, just in case they ever meet again. Not like this, scared and afraid. Heās supposed to be the same as he used to be. Heās supposed to love being touched and hugged, love being kissed and making new friends. Thatās how itās supposed to be.
Not like this. It's supposed to be the same. Why has everything changed?
Jungkook drives away, mind numb.
The destination is clear because he has to see it for himself. Accept his reality for what it is.
Jungkook parks his car across the street from his old apartment building, taking the elevator straight up their floor. He walks toward the door unhesitatingly, pulling it open despite the screaming in his mind telling him to stop out of self-preservation.
He opens it, and it unlocks a million memories all at once.
Thereās a stale smell, and the floor is dusty and cold. Nobody has touched this apartment. The police werenāt involved, and everyone treats it like a sealed-off memory.
Jungkook sees the shoe cupboard and knows Jiminās slippers are in there. The suitcases that are still by the door, full of Jimin's clothes that he'd bought him for their trip.
He walks into the apartment, looking at the kitchen first. Itās messy. He sees the blender full of dark grey dust, remembering distantly that it was Jiminās phone that heād grinded up in a fit of anger.
He sees the dirty spoon and the syringes discarded across the kitchen counter, the sink piled high with stale dishes half-filled with water. Jungkookās maid quit long before the demise of everything. Sheād seen enough.
Jungkook looks down at the hallway floor, noticing the dried rusty splotches of blood over the tiles. He remembers when Jimin had cut himself by accident with the kitchen knife that time when heād told him that they were going to Greece.
It wasnāt an accident
He looks at the sofa, where everything ended. There are still some stains on the floor from when Jimin was struggling, right before he was taken.
The worst is the bedroom. Jungkook doesnāt think he ever changed the sheets, not in the last few months when they were together.
Theyāre all streaked with blood, on Jiminās side of the bed.
How did he not notice? How did he not see it back then?
He remembers when Jimin wouldnāt be able to sleep at night, in constant pain when the rough sheets would press against his fresh bite marks. The open wounds mustāve leaked onto the bed.
Jungkook doesnāt know why he used to bite him. His therapist had helped him decode it- that he wanted to see evidence of his existence and presence on Jimin. That it felt like claiming him in some sort of way, like a seal of ownership.
Jimin was powerless to stop it. He grew too weak, too feeble and too resigned to even attempt to stop it or escape.
They canāt ever be together again.
It isnāt a surprising revelation, yet it still rings deeply in Jungkookās core. He doesnāt realize that heās screaming, tears streaming down his face as he looks at the bloodstains.
Heād been cooking up happy memories of the both of them, but this is the reality.
Jimin suffered, every single day, at his hands.
He thinks about happy, sweet, young Jimin from the digital camera, smiling happily as his father clicked a photo of him on his 13th birthday. How heād destroyed that innocence and trust.
No amount of denial can wash it away. He thinks about how Jimin recoiled, reacting so violently at simply being touched.
Jungkook did leave an impression. It was only the worst one possible.
_
Jimin is extremely happy with Taehyung.
In some ways, Jungkook is thankful.
He likes seeing Jimin happy because it helps alleviate some of the painful crushing of the deadweight over his chest. He likes remembering happy Jimin when they were together, and heāll take anything to write over what he saw earlier.
He watches as Jimin cuddles close to the other man on their way home from the grocery store, arms full of bags of veggies and meat and everything else you would need for a cosy homemade dinner.
They disappear into the entrance of Jiminās new building, and Jungkook only sees Taehyung leave several hours later. Jimin drops him off to his car, as he always does.
Jungkook wants to talk to Jimin.
He doesnāt know how, or why - what reaction heās hoping to get but he wants to. One last time.
Itās terribly selfish, but he canāt help it. He doesnāt even know what heās doing here and the odd moments of realization he has every 10 minutes send him reeling.
Heās following Jimin again.
But he canāt help it. It comes so naturally.
But itās okay, right? He doesnāt mean any harm. He doesnāt have any motives.
He just needs to see it, is addicted to seeing it - Jimin happy. Itās because all he can see when he closes his eyes is his suffering, his screams that resound in his ears, his agonized cries of hurt that went unheard to everyone except him.
Whenever Jungkook looks at his hands, he sees blood.
He sees blood that isnāt his, and Jiminās face the night they were ripped apart. Gaunt, broken, lifeless.
Itās all he sees, even if Jimin has fought his way back to being alive.
Why does it feel like he killed him?
-
Jungkook gathers together his bravery on one of Jiminās happiest days.
He had a nice day at work, judging by how he skipped out of the academy with a smile, running happily into Taehyungās car. The couple went to Taehyung's animal shelter and then to a drive-in theatre, finally having dinner in a nice Italian restaurant by the river. Taehyung is earning well now, and so is Jimin.
Jungkook couldnāt hear it, but he assumes they had some sweet music playing in Jiminās apartment as they slow-danced together that night by the window. It started off funny and goofy, the both of them laughing, Jimin jumping around only for Taehyung to catch him with gentle arms around the waist - all that contagious energy simmering down to something so intimate it warms you down to the bone. They sway together, Jimin tucked underneath Taehyungās chin, the both of them moving slowly, eyes closed, falling into their love.
One that Jungkook isnāt a part of.
He finds that he doesnāt hate Taehyung. Itās because he makes Jimin happy. He erases the nightmares that flicker through his mind, because Jimin is alive again, even more so when Taehyung is around.
He hopes Jimin doesnāt cry or scream anymore. He hopes he never has to.
When itās past 11 pm, Jungkook gathers the courage.
He enters after somebody else as he doesnāt know the passcode to the building. He takes the stairs up to Jiminās apartment, and he can hear their conversation through the door. Something hushed about cat food and a movie, some clinking of glasses, Jiminās sweet giggle and the soft sounds of a kiss.
Jungkook canāt bring himself to ring the doorbell.
He stands there, forehead pressed to Jiminās door long after they fall asleep too.
He doesnāt know how long itās been. Hours? Time passes as heās lost in his fantasies, nothing but a vacuum as he stands in Jiminās corridor. His legs ache with holding up his weight, and his eyes are wet.
That couldāve been them. All of this, the sweet whispers, the slow dancing, the romantic nights out and days in, the smile on Jiminās face - it could all have been his.
Jungkook is undeserving. He stands there, right outside Jiminās door, wallowing in the reality heās built for himself.
āWhoās there?ā Jungkook hears suddenly, soft and delicate.
A wave of happiness washes over him at Jiminās voice, even though itās clearly afraid and stout with apprehension.
Jimin knows heās here. Theyāre so close now.
Jungkook smiles, pressing his face into the wood, waiting for Jimin to open the door. Heād hug him, give him lots of kisses, promise to never hurt him again-
āWho are you?ā Jimin asks again. āIām not alone, and I wonāt hesitate to call the police.ā
Ice.
Heās whipped back to reality so quickly that heās frozen.
Jimin doesnāt want to talk to him. He doesnāt ever want to see him.
Do what you came here to do
Apologize
Say goodbye
Jungkookās fists clench and unclench, tongue heavy and useless in his mouth. He canāt say it. The words donāt form. He tries several times to no avail. It doesnāt work.
His hands are deep in his pockets, and thatās when he feels a paper. He pulls it out, along with a small pen, the pen he uses to sign his attendance slips for therapy. Itās his answer, a lit-up path.
Jungkook scribbles onto the paper, rushing to slide it underneath Jiminās door.
The moment he does, all he feels is euphoria.
Jimin will know how he feels.
Jungkook walks out the corridor, out of the building, down to his car and then straight back home.
As he lies in bed, all that he can wish for is that the devil welcomes him with open arms.
THANKS FOR READING ā„ļøā„ļøā„ļø
IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE FULL STORY...I WOULD RECOMEND YOU TO READ MY " BROKEN HEARTS" CHAT STORY....