I am scimming, thrusting my arm through golden water-golden liler cil. The water grotes
thick and syrupy, then it pulls me under in a bottle glass sloping aber me Sene The voice startles use, a breathy whisper in the dark. Then it comes again "Please? I had a had dream Jack's peditum melts my heart, and I can't say na So, into our bed he comes, nesting himself in between me and has snoring father-a hibernating hear on a weeknight in my lack curls an arm around my shoulder and hurtes A few minutes later, the door cracks opens, and a ar with a hoto of curs shuffles in Maggie. She throws herself onto the bed and wiggles next to me warm cheek against mine. Soon noth of their breathing stones as mine hems to queen I'm too hot, suddenly suffocating under the small s Then a cry in the night cuts through me like electricity the baby monitor lights up-an ure of color that changes from green to red. The baby as wide awake, though all around me, my family sleeps unaffected. My feet hit the floor before my bram agrees to get ving, and then I'm pudding through the hallway and into Ethan's nursery. It smells sweet, like baby skin and clean landry and lavender lotion. But the smell has began to disturb more than soothe me, the dim room, the sweet scent, his throaty whines, it's an experience I've come to associate only with exhaustion After a fresh taper, a belly full of mills, and a few minutes in the rocking chair, he falls back to sleep. I stumble into the kitchen, pour a glass of water, and drink like a woman rescued from the desert. The clock on the microwave glows green 315 mm. Estand there. staring at the numbers as waiting for them to apologne that I'm even awake to see A glance at the thermostat reveals the house is a halmy 3 degrees, and no matter what 1 worn-out cushions and snabby throw pillows stated with grape juice. The ceiling fan apins in lazy creles above me, and let my eyes follow its orbit Visions of homes with white couches and walls free from fingerprints dance across my mand. Women in crisp blouses and bouncy haar, off to do something important-to be someone important. I want to hate them and worship thems all at once, despise them but also discover their secrets My shirt is itchy, the fabric course and itatag n feels too tight and my neck like it's Crickets chirp outside, and it sounds like they all must be perched on the sill, faces pressed to the screen, competing over who can charp the loudest. At some point, the sounds morph toto the singing of birds, distant and tight, sweet and melodic. Then one bellows an awful, belching nosse like a chorus of angry bullfrogs. Then they start the other a spo then confiscate the jam Somewhere in the house, I hear the shower nga my husband's off-key singing always the morning person. I need coffee The kids chatter on and on while I start the coffee something about how I look "sorta deadish when I sleep Dark grounds tumble into the badet, some spilling all ever the counterton, I wait, eyes hall closed us the appliance spits and sputters its trickle of hot water over the grounds and into the pot. It's barely half full when I hear the baby, his Impatient cries echoing through the house in the reflection of the pot's guss dome a frazzled woman looks back at me a woman not ready for another day. stained jeans. Zippers snag and tange in my hair. Than air is mist and stuffy and smells like spoilvať mužk. I am shrinking, groeing smaller unui smaller until I disupper into the folds of ujutted sheet. The fric sales and me like a jucate and I can't discern which way is "I have to pee The voice jolts me from tortured sleep. A face just inches from mine, quiet but urgent in the darkness, I see little cybrows shooting up toward the celling and a wide gra unnaturally alert for the hour. Maggie cups my cheeks and leans in closer, stale kid breath In my face. bright light hurt my eyes and I feel hungover-trunk on exchanation. Her short legs dangle over the rim of the porcelain bow then there's a quiet trickling. She's pleased with herself but I'm too tired to dole out prae hast one more time I want dies "Yes, baby : receipts appointment reminders, wedding and baby shower hettations, bills I thonght I already pas und his artwork that all look the same but are things I can't bring myself to throw soy at me. He whangers and coughs and the need for urgency does not register in my foggy mind. I don't move funt enough before the contents of last night's dinner find the way out of my son's stomach and all over my sheets. Folly ancake now 1 whisk him into the bathroom and lead him to the tollet bowl. I rub circles on his small back as he leaves, and that don't quite it but are at least clean. The washing machine hums from the other side of the house, and I smell bleach. Ind my husband in the marsery, rocking than back to sleep an empty milk hottie on the dresser. When I take a step inside the room, he holds a finger to his lips and wives me away, I got he says. And I don't argue the side, and I wonder if she knows what fem timing grab my numing shoes, and she Invigorating: The sky is lavender behind me and golden in front of me where the sun is beginning to peek above the trees, I lift my face toward it like a flower seeking its energy. the ground. I am reminded of the hope-no, convinced of the reality that my wearines won't last forever turn it back to the middle of a sleepless night up to me, her hair flooring all around her like a croon She hands me a spoon and a jar of
nits and pours, and I side onto a pou, palin hurning from the hear. I stp and roll in the säck spill. Stecan rises off my wet hair Then I am smothered under the sticky weight of re
.
"Mommy, can I sleep with you?
his chubby face into my neck. I wonder schat haunted his sleep-t he too was trapped in a frying pan, being smothered by chicken breasts
them. My shirt feels damp and amp strands of hair stick to my forehead, Why is it so hit everyone is asleep. Not even the hum nf air through the
,
The house is perfectly quet now vents disturbs the peace
;
The air
push and thek, nothing happens The house remains silent And hot. No, no, no. This is not the time for the air conditioner to give out Not in the dead of summer Can't it past out
.
.
!
least until morning? I give up trying to resuscitate it and collage onto the sofa, it embraces me with its
.
slowly inching higher and higher , determined to choke me. I strip it off and toss it over the lamp, then throw upen a window before falling back onto the couch
speaking to me in their gravelly croaks, and it sounds something like Mommy Momenty Mammy *Mommy how come your clothes is gone?"
,
,
I force an eye open. It's morning, and my oldest children are hovering over me-Maggie with frizzy curls standing on end and tack wearing a spiderman Halloween costume his concealed under the twisted polyester mask One's holding a sir of strawberry
,
Ipect myself off the couch, find my shirt, and plant u hiss on each child's sweaty head-
Tann urimming, pushing my arms thigh piles of damp tonela, flannel blankers and grass
wp, which way is our
have to pee no
"Clay, let's g We race to the bathroom together, tripping over toys I don't remember buying. The too
"Alright, back to bed with you. Can you come tack me in
"Ive already tucked you
We tip-toe back to the room she shares with lack, and 1 crawl into the bottom bunk with her, pushing aside piles of beloved stuffed animals. The room is comfortably cool now, thanks to the repairman and our vacation fund which never even had a chance I guess
.
now we know we can always shut off the air, theow beach towels on the living room floor and pretend were in the Bahamas.
,
I
pull Maggie's blanket to her chin and sing a song stroking her hair her eyes flutter
,
closed "Mama?"
I wrap her in one more hang before shipping from the room
I am swimming, dragging my arms through cuttered heaps of papericark
Somewhere a phone rings, and I can't get tot Then the papers turn into Amaron packages, undry jest Become wrapped is tuge aut trapped within the cardboard laps. The deerbet rings and the dog bures; it's my mother at the door but she's holding cliphard art is
,
trying to sell me solar panels
.
"Mommy, I don't let good" Light from the hallway wlhouettes lack's face as he stands beside my bed, peecing down
I wish with everything in me I could make go away-take the sackness from ham. We sit there together until he has nothing left. When I come back to beil, the sheets have already been stripped and replaced with ones
Tamming an enlless black ocean. My hands and feet appear like shoutours in the dark, inby water Something brush my leg then grip me with a slick, barbed titule; it pala me down, sien where no light aches, where near my scre
,
.
,
The dog is licking my feet. 1 jek them back under the covers and gasp, sitting up. The hase is stent the sky outside the window is purple and blue and enged with gold-like a bruse just beginning to turn yellow Pepper watches me stretch her furry head tilted to
,
follows me from the room and together we sup out of the home. It's already humid the air pregnant with motature Wet grass clings to my shoes and to Pepper's pans Dampress seeps through the mesh of my sneakers and it's cooling,
,
,
absorbing whatever strength at will lend I am slower than I used to be more aware of my uneven breathing and of a heaviness that seems to have settled in my limbs but push on down a familiar path haven't tread in so ling Pepper trots along beside me, usputicat as ever With every slap of my shoes against
,
I
I
All babes sleep eventually my children won't always need my asstance with sample functions Someday theyll grow tall and strong and will learn to do things for themselves But when that someday comes, they might be too bar to hold, night stop begging for cuddles-woat ask to share my bed I wish then, that I could turn back the clock-even
,
.
,
I am swimming, humils guling through crystal clear water. There's a village under the se where a man sits on his purch painting at a floating cases a portrait of a parakeet in a top hot. At a cafe next door a woman pour tex from a porcelain kettle, and the amber luid les into the sea and dauppeurs. The diners smile and sip from tau-less cogn . Chil push through the water in a slour game of tag . One hales may from the group and
,
,
sherry
