This is my own not-so-unique drama-story I'm sharing here in the hope that I'd feel included if some or others in the community relate to it as well.
So, like it's so cliche to listen to, I know but...I have been in love few times and all that comprised of only one kind of love by definition.
One-sided love.
No, no. Not those tragic dramatic ones which make you wither by suicide, but those kinds which either make you stronger, or just push you to realise your limited worth and charms after all.
So, like, I have been in several situations of one-sided love, the longest being my own best friend whom I had crush on for 7 years, and he proposed to a girl on my birthday and just like that, my hopes, my heart and everything I had known to be true dipped into the deepest bottom ever. It took me years to get over him, but still, whenever I see him, I feel pity on myself and how I can never look, behave or attract like his girlfriend. Ofc he doesn't know any of that so I won't blame him, but somewhere my heart just knew that he knew. He knew everything.
But I moved forward with my life. Or atleast I was trying to, my best. Getting into medical college, I mingled with people from different states and religions and status and distinct families. Without my will, I developed a crush on a guy who was an absolute introvert and somehow I felt proud that I made him comfortable around me and became one of the only two girls he would talk to, the other being his family friend.
But again, fate showed another more worthy, more graceful, more lovable. She also fell for him, and somehow so did he. I won't go into further details though it didn't end well for him but for the time it all was happening, I was there by his side to comfort him from breaking apart while holding my own sanity.
Somehow this crush which lasted for three years ended with heartbreak and low self-esteem.
Around the same year, my friendship with my college best friend ended on a cruel brutal note. I got lonely to the point I just wanted to jump from my hostel floor. Each day was a nightmare as she was enjoying her life as usual, with MORE friends, while I was withering away in my bed, trying to breathe peacefully just for a single day.
Around the same year, next month, I lost my dog which was with me for seventeen years. Loneliness began to smother me. I'd think of nothing but the ways to leave this world silently. My pet had my heart, but I had to live for my parents.
With agitation and worthlessness in my heart, I got into another crush, was feeling happy to be seen, getting a distraction and feeling engulfed with warmth again. He talked honey with me and was the first guy to ever see and make me feel like a woman with his words.
It seemed like I was the only one for him but turned out he just wanted to be physical and enjoy his evenings after a stressful day.
I had never felt more humiliated before and well, though it ended bad for me, he's most certainly very much happily married with his new wife while I would always feel ashamed of getting tricked into emotions of vulnerability.
It was a traumatic experience for me and the one very difficult to get over from. Somehow another senior specialist, who treated my sister in our hospital, crossed my path. He seemed like a really good person, and though I had decided by this time to just watch good ones from afar, I could not control my heart and ended up developing a crush on him. I know I sound really stupid, but I don't have any defence against it.
We talked really good, somehow I always talk to guys and infact with everyone, by my humor and making everything funny.
I'm a studious person and people think I'm arrogant to talk to because I know things, but when they do, they realise why I have one of the most healthiest bonds with my batchmates and seniors.
So, I thought me and that senior had become friends and I still don't doubt it, but well, one day he asked for my sister's health, and since he treated her, I thought it was just a usual concern. But well, turned out while treating my sister, he developed a liking towards her.
Unlike me, my sister is very pretty, has beautiful big eyes, graceful steps, feminine charms, girly attraction, accommodating nature and is well embellished with things most guys won't even think to find faults with (I border more on the line of Tomboy, I want to change how I walk and to learn to walk like a lady myself too but, well, it's tough.)
My senior himself came from a remarkably known family of non-toxic ambitious personalities.
He asked me if he can approach her. I didn't need to answer to that. Ofc he could.
It took me days to realise that he liked my sister and wanted to talk to her.
He was a good guy, I had only ever heard positive things about him. I couldn't even fault him for feeling things even I couldn't control myself, but it somehow made me feel disgusted with myself.
That how I can even think about going after a guy who had eyes on my sister, and even begin to think I'd ever be liked by a guy who'd prefer girls of my sister's unparalleled beauty.
I don't mean to sound snide at all, but yk that feeling when everything just makes sense and you just feel embarrassed that you stepped out of your limits and worth this time.
You totally zoomed out, and your inner voice says,"Gurrll, how can you even think--even a limit has a limit and you totally embarrassed yourself with your own stupidity."
I had never held any illusion about my beauty or what-not since I went to school, and though those bad words by some of my classmates stay with me since forever(I know I shouldn't mind their words, but even those bullies had some standard beauty faces to die for), now it ironically feels refreshing that I know my limits and also know when to step back and let others take the stage.
I'm hardly anyone to jump into conclusions but when I fall, I just fall and remain loyal. I am an average looking free-spirited girl trying to get out of my terrible days but I think somehow everyone takes me too lightly and take me too close to be friends.
I had various guys approach me just because they wanted to woo my friends. I'm not that friend who'd get jealous of my friends' happiness, but somehow it hurts to see how I'm so incapable of being loved.
I just wonder if anyone would also have a crush on me and tell their girl friends just like I'm always taking those great tales of confessions from my guy friends.
How I'll always be that one "friend" they can look forward to sharing their love lives with and how much they like "that girl" but apparently, I can never be the girl they'd choose in the end.
I know it sounds so pathetic, even I'm cringing while writing it, but this video made me pour my feelings out. I still talk to that guy who once liked my sister (she said no btw) cause he's really decent, helps me and others in academics stuff, and doesn't go around flirting with just anyone. I joke a lot and he as a half-introvert laughs or says reserved things, or asks in return and I'm grateful we are friends.
I know life has very little in store for me and I guess my role in life is to comfort all the heartbroken people of the world or participate in the matchmaking of the new ones.
Sometimes I envy how guys describe the girls they fall in love with, and how these girls sound even more beautiful than they actually are, in their eyes, but I guess others don't have that comfort to see the guys' side as I have.
Those girls can just be the princesses, the queens, the leaders, the conquerors, the brides and the heartbreakers all they want, while I can just be that well-required audience present to witness one of the most incredible love stories happening or either breaking apart in the history of love.
