The trees on river street were like...

The trees on river street were like a graceful decoration added to an already perfect scenery. Their orange leaves and devoted looks made an old street look like it was taken from a movie. The old stone houses, some with vines growing all along the walls and messy-looking gardens, and others with clean-cut bushes and fancy details of gold statues or plants. Tall black street lights were placed out randomly on the driveways, and a few cars parked outside their garages. In some of the elegant windows, all you could see was deathly dark, meanwhile in others, a light from a candle or a lamp. Then there was my house. One of the smallest ones on the street, with hanging vines, a large apple tree growing in the corner of my yard, almost out on the street, and a green candle in each window. The apples were now red, and some had an unappetizing brown shade. I have planned on picking them up for a while, but it just never happened. My house was not much to look at, really, but I found it quite charming. Also, I got it at a fairly low expense. As a 17-year-old who had just left the rathole of a home and the agony of a family, I did not have a lot to go for. I looked for houses for weeks or even months. All of the houses I looked at were very impressive and pretty, but I declined the offer to each house as soon as I saw the price. My budget also went down every night since I was staying at a hotel, and you see, those rooms are far from free.

The wooden door opened with a squeaky sound and I stepped into the narrow hallway. A dank smell reached my nose and made me sneeze. Damn, this house needs some cleaning. Although I've already planned on picking the apples… and finishing my painting, As you can hear, I have a lot on my shoulders, not to mention school. I have been stressed enough as it is even during summer break. And now I will have to deal with 8 hours of studies and work, five days a week. Last year I was close to my breaking point, and this year I definitely won't make it through alive. We started about three weeks ago and I'm already so sick of it. But now I have to take care of one thing at a time. Appletree first.

This bucket will be broad enough right? Since most of the apples are brown at the moment, I will pick them, and if I can't figure out something else to do with them, throw them away. Right as I open the door to my yard a chilly breeze hits my face and I nearly sneeze again. This is the breeze that I have been waiting for. Throughout all summer I've tried to endure the heat of the gassing sun, but it was fairly impossible. Now it was finally colder and it would be much easier to endure the weather. And not going to lie, I have waited to be able to wrap myself up in a large blanket in my room while watching random series that I don’t even like.

The tree was standing at the same place as usual, and the apples and leaves were covering the branches. Looking up at the blue sky I noticed a gray army of clouds coming my way. I would say that they would be here in 30 minutes or hopefully more, so if I worked fast I would maybe make it. There were at least thirty apples in the condition to be picked, the others would be thrown away, or maybe I could make a drink. I think overgrown apples are drinkable. Well, I would find that out sooner or later, it is possible that it would taste delicious. Wow, I've been standing there for 10 minutes just looking at the tree. Call that effective work. Like if the apples would pick themselves and magically appear in my basket… it would be nice if they could. Sadly, they could not and I would now spend the rest of my afternoon picking apples, but to be fair, it could have been worse.

That did not take as long as I thought it would. Only like 20 minutes. All red apples were in the bucket, and the brown ones, in a plastic bag. I am going to at least attempt to make a drink of the bad apples, taste as it wants to, I'm going to try at least. In the worst scenario, I will lose a few rotten apples. Something cold hits my head and I look up, up at the earlier blue sky that is now gray. The raindrops are falling one by one at a slow rate down from the clouds, and landing on the ground. Damn, I forgot about the rain clouds. Picking up the bag and the bucket I ran inside to take cover from the downfall. By the time I got inside and put the bucket in the hallway, I was already drenched. Damn, my new shirt was ruined, at least until it would dry up. And I was hoping to wear it to school tomorrow, but as the situation looked at the moment, that would have to wait. I will have to create a new outfit then because I can not go to class in sweatpants and a t-shirt. Making a good impression is, according to me, very important. I don't wish to be seen as lazy, since the fact that I left my parents is already traveling from mouth to mouth and almost everyone thinks I'm an irresponsible kid. I do well in school, and I think my grades are fairly good, but my mental health care is at the bottom. And somehow everyone seems to know that. Walking in the hallways I can get yelled out as “depressed” or “emo” but the most usual is “gay freak” which technically is not a lie, but it's not something fun to be bullied for. My name is Kei Rust. 17 and bisexual, and as if that was not enough, I'm also mentally broken to the point that life has no meaning.

My feet were hurting after hours of walking and my phone was almost dead. R…Riverstone, no that was not it. I kept walking. Looking up at every street sign to find river street. I look down at my new phone, maybe I went the wrong way? I opened my GPS and searched for the street. According to it, River Street was right up ahead. Although, my GPS has been very wrong before, and I have not seen anything named riverstreet. Before I could overthink it

even more, something or someone bumped into me.

From the sudden hit on my back, I dropped my phone and it hit the ground, glass first. The entire ground was covered with glass shattering and pieces of my phone's intestines. “Hey, watch where you are going!” That phone was brand new, and it had just been ruined by this person. I turned around to get eye to eye with a girl, she looked my age and she was very pretty. Her short dyed hair made her amber eyes pop, and her face was filled with freckles.

I would guess she was about the same height as me. I looked down and saw that she was carrying a basket of apples, some of them out on the ground beside my feet. Her eyes were shiny and I could see she was close to the verge of crying. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bump into you like that, I did not see you.” Her voice was shaking as she did her best to apologize to me. She looked like she had just been out in the rain, with wet hair and muddy shoes. “I'm Kei” I looked back up at her face and saw she was now smiling, weird, what a sudden change of mood. Her eyes were still teary but I could see she was not crying anymore. That was a very quick mood switch. “And I'm Riley.” Her eyes lit up as I spoke my name, and I was wondering if she was okay. “Riley Johnson? Is that your name?” I saw her smile and I found myself being more and more scared of her. How did she know my name? Did I mention it? No… I don't think I did.

“Oh I see, you live at Riverstreet? And my name was on the mailbox?” After I got really scared and asked her how the hell she knew my name, she briefly explained how her neighbor recently moved out and she had simply read the new name on the mailbox. “And when you said your name was Riley I figured you might be that neighbor. You honestly looked kind of lost” She was giggling as she explained how she found out my name. She was still carrying the basket of apples in her right hand. “And I am also very sorry about your phone” Her happy tone suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a sound of guilt and shame. I felt bad for her since I was not poor, one phone would not be any problem to replace, and also, she had been kind to me ever since we bumped into each other, in other words, the last ten minutes. I quickly went on to tell her that one phone would not be difficult to replace, and she did not have to worry about it. “But of course…” She turned to look at me as I once again began talking. “In exchange for one of those apples you are carrying around” The apples looked truly delicious, and it was quite a long while since I last ate something. She laughed and lifted the basket right up in front of my face. “Choose whatever one you want” She smiled, the same smile as she had on her face when she first told me her name. “You are a very nice girl, you know?” Her smile grew even bigger as she prepared to say something. “They” One word. And I started feeling terrible, I had been misgendering them for the entire afternoon.

After I apologized around a hundred times they seemed to get sick of it. So before I knew it Kei told me to stop apologizing and invited me to dinner. Even though I was incredibly hungry, I could not let someone I just met pay for my food. And so on I accepted the offer with the condition of me paying for us both.

The doors to the restaurant opened and a sound from a bell was heard. There were barely any customers in the restaurant, probably because it was at such a late hour, and the heavy rain had been pouring down for the past 20 minutes. We were both drenched, but it was warm inside the pizzeria. Kei explained how there weren't a lot of restaurants around the area, and that the one close to their house was very expensive and then I offered to pay since money was not one of my problems, but that did not seem like a good idea based on their reaction. Well, to summon it all up, we had a great time, and the pizza was totally delicious.

Ugh, my head feels weird. I squint open my eyes and look out the window at the morning sun. When did I fall asleep last night? I remember that I sat on a bench in the middle of the park with rain pouring down on us, speaking to Riley for hours. I slowly turn my throbbing head to look at the clock on my desk. 09:36. I feel like I have forgotten something as well. My head is not completely awake yet, so my thoughts are not quite normal. I feel sick. My head hurts and my stomach feels weird. Maybe I should call the school and tell them I will stay home today. SCHOOL! I knew I forgot something! I look back at my clock. 09:40, There is no way I will make it there in time. I will just have to skip it today. I have a lot to do at home still, and yesterday I promised Riley to help her move in and decorate her house. The apples are still downstairs, and I think I am going to try to bake a pie of it, and maybe invite Riley in for coffee. My hair is in my face and I look horrible, so I'll have to fix that first.

I could not find any specific clothes today, so I simply threw on everything I could find. It turned out as a gray, large, t-shirt, and brown cargo pants. The usual. My hair is still messy, but it is the perfect length to be too short for a ponytail and too long to just have it as it is. Maybe I should cut it again? Or just leave it to grow longer. Too many hard decisions for one morning. *sigh* I nearly fall off my bed as something hits my window. Another one hits the glass and falls to the ground outside. I walk up to open the window and see what is going on. Just as I open the window a cold breeze hits my face, and another one of the things flies into the window, and into my room. I turn around to see what it is. A small brown thing. I carefully pick it up, and to my surprise, it is an apple seed. Looking back outside the window I see Riley. She has a handful of seeds and is aiming for another one at my window. What does she want so early in the morning?

And here we are. Sitting in my garden and eating apples. At this rate, I won't be having any left over for the pie. But she seems to love the apples, her face always lights up when I give her one. I ended up throwing out the brown ones and not making juice, because I don't have time for it, at least not in upcoming months and they would become inedible the upcoming week. I have school for a little less than three months, and then it is Christmas. Christmas… I spent my last Christmas Eve alone in my bedroom. Riley's loud crunching on the apple stops my thoughts. I turn to look at her. She is quite cute, to be honest. Ew, what am I thinking? Then it hits me, maybe I won't have to spend Christmas alone this year, not as long as Riley is here, and we are on good terms. I truly hope that will happen, she is a happy personality, and she gets me in a better mood as soon as I meet her.

My hands are covered in dish soap and water whilst I'm washing the dishes from when Riley came over. She had to leave in a strange hurry yesterday after getting a phone call from her mother. I wonder if she is okay, I will check on her later, that said, if I get time to. I never know anymore, since I always have so much coming up, and I will never know how long my painting will take. All I know is that it has to be done in a month, preferably earlier if I were to choose.

Sadly, I have to turn it in by the end of next month, so I will soon have to get to work and paint something. So far I've just planned it and made small sketches that ended up in the trash bin. I might be a little bit of a perfectionist, people like to say that, and to be honest, they are not entirely wrong either. I had a very hard time during high school when my perfectionist side started showing in everything I did, and that made me incredibly stressed. Just the thought of school back then made me want to jump off a roof somewhere. And I am not even joking at this point. Luckily, I didn't, and now everything is so much better, and since Riley came into my life, I even got a friend. So I guess things did not turn out to be that bad after all.

It did turn out bad. Walking into my room the week after I see my art block and canvases empty with clean white sheets that have never even been touched. And I had to turn them in before next week if I was going to save myself from failing my studies. Since I do not depend on my parents' money and funding, succeeding in my classes and getting a good job is the only way for me to be able to live here. I work part-time at a café nearby, but it has been very silent about shifts and working the last month. This is surely making me stressed at the moment although I still have a week, and I'm fast when it comes to art and sketching. Even so, it's an important project to succeed in this class and obtain a decent grade so I can afford an okay living style with food and healthcare. I chose an art class because I was well aware that art was the class I had the highest chance to succeed.

“Why did you leave in such a hurry?” My eyes travel across the screen as I read Kei’s messages. They had been sending text messages and voicemails for hours wondering where I went. Looking up from the screen I take a moment to admire the large room with golden decorations and red rugs. The room I spent so many hours of my childhood playing in. My living room, or well, now it's my mother's entirely.

Since dad died and I moved to my new house she had been living all alone here. It felt weird to think that someone who once spent every hour of their day around family was now all alone. I felt bad for Kei because I had to leave without telling them where to. But it would feel even worse if they knew about the fight me and my mother had over the phone yesterday. The fight nearly cut off all my insurance and money. I had decided to travel to my mother in an attempt to convince her to keep in contact with me. Even just one text a day would be enough for me, preferably more of course. I was 90% sure I could not stand another year of barely having any contact with the woman that raised me. It felt like a sort of torture, just sitting there day in and day out, waiting for a notice with my mother's name on it to show up at the top edge of my phone. To be waiting for the notification that never came, that I never saw. I thought I would get used to it after a while, but judging from the current situation, that did not seem to happen in the upcoming years.

I feel like both she and I would feel better if we simply tried to keep in contact and stay in touch, although the social butterfly part had never been one of her strongest sides, not any of her sides actually. I had lost all my friends in high school, so the only person that comforted me was my mother. My friends left me early that term. They told me how annoying I was, and how they wanted me to stay away. But my mother was always there for me to help me get through those days. But just a year earlier, she had sent me out of her house with the word annoying screeched from her mouth. She said much more, but none of it stuck to my brain as much as that, as much as the thing she had spent so much time on to convince me that I was not.

“You are not annoying and I can assure you that you will never be” The biggest fucking lie I had ever heard from everyone I know combined. In pure hatred and repel, I did not contact her for months and simply ignored the beeping from my ringing phone if her name showed on the screen. After a couple of months, I was prepared to let her into my life again, but then she was the one who did not want to keep in contact. When she texted me yesterday to come over because she wanted to talk, I hesitated and thought my decision through plenty of times before I agreed to her offer. And now, within the blink of an eye,I was sitting face to face with my mother. Face to face with the woman who left me so many months ago.

The silence was deafening. 20 minutes of absolute silence sitting in a living room that smelled of lavender and cigarette smoke. The awkward silence, and staring into her empty eyes as she stirs her tea way too much. It had been 30 minutes since I arrived, and in all that time she had not taken a single sip of the tea she asked me to brew. I don't even think her lips touched the glass for a second. It was a classic family recipe of tea, and her favorite as well. So it was surely worrying that she had not even tasted it, since that has never happened before. While I was in the kitchen brewing the tea that she happened not to like, I saw something. A picture of me and my father when we visited Florida. I was only five and running around laughing as if I did not have a care in the world. The picture itself is of course not so special, but it was the fact that my father's face was drawn over with a red marker. It just did not sit right with me for some reason. My mother was devastated when my father passed away, and she saved all his pictures in a black box with golden details. That box should never be opened she said, so why would she destroy a picture of dad at one of his happiest moments?

Still just looking into each other's eyes the clock started to tick. I promised Kei to be back before nine so we could go grab dinner somewhere. And as I look at my phone's bright screen I see the number 19:48” and realize Kei is probably expecting me within an hour. But before I left… “Why is there a picture of dad drawn over with a red marker in the kitchen?”

The rain is pouring down by now. It had been hours since Riley left and she still isn't back, it's making me worried. How long has it been since she texted me that she would be the right home? It was surely quite a while ago. I let my eyes travel over my room. The canvas with the painting is standing in a corner, not even halfway done, with the paint splashed over a graphite sketch. It most certainly did not catch the eye, put in a room filled with decorations and plants in overflow. But I would have to make sure that it would be the most appealing at the vernissage this weekend. Winning the money that would be granted to the winner could put me almost entirely out of debt so that I could stay here. If it would not have been for Riley I would have left for a cheaper place already with no questions asked. But I did not want to leave her. Somehow, even though I have only known her for a week or less she must have hit a special spot in my heart.

My old car's lights threw a dusty light at the forest road and my eyelids were heavy as rocks. The road was empty, perhaps because it was 1 am and everyone else was home sleeping or hanging out with friends and family. I wonder how that feels, to be able to spend time with people that actually love you. I felt so guilty for letting Kei down and not coming home at the time we promised, but my mother kept me there way longer than needed. All she did was ramble on about how shitty her life was and how lucky I was to have found a pretty house. And as if that was not enough she tried to guilt trip me for leaving the house and finding my own place. I did not mention Kei even once since my mother had always said that friends get in the way of work and success and slow you down. Technically she wasn't wrong, but if your friend in question was a good person, they could be a great source of motivation and happiness.

My door opened with a loud squeaking sound and the darkness of my hallway surrounded everything in sight. Since I recently moved in, the hallway still had no source of light, because I was not educated or motivated enough to set one up. It would end in either me getting hurt or the house getting hurt. I laugh to myself as an inner image of a sad house shows on my brain's display. I dropped my bag on the floor and a cloud of dust evaded from the wooden planks and out into the air. I cleaned just recently, but I must have forgotten about the narrow hallway with its dark brown wallpapers and wooden floor. I had just spent fifteen minutes outside trying to park my car in the garage. Five rage quits and three bumps into the garage walls later I got it inside and could finally go to sleep, or that's what I thought. Thirty minutes later and a lot of dust all over my face and my clothes, the hallway was cleaned, or at least more clean than earlier. That's something I suppose. My eyes were incredibly heavy and my legs were weak. Getting a decent sleep schedule would have to wait, since it was already 4 am and I still needed to shower and eat. My brain felt fuzzy and it was an incredible challenge just to keep my eyelids up. Once again casting a look at my clock I decided to drop everything I was doing and actually go to sleep. Its 4am and im fucking tired.

The lights in Riley's house died out and all you could see behind the glass was a deathly dark. I guess she finally decided to sleep then. She got home hours ago and she had been up until now, it's not normal for her. Every single night this last month she turned off her lights to go to sleep before eleven, what was so different tonight? She did not even text me when she got home, and she really was struggling to get her car into her garage. At the same time as I was worried for her, it was quite amusing to watch her struggle with such a simple thing. It was almost cute. Oh my lord, just stop, stop thinking that… It's creepy. It's true, but still creepy nonetheless. The scary part was, even if we have only known each other for a few months, it feels like she has been in my life forever. And, I think it is possible I'm starting to catch feelings for her, more than friends that is. I catch myself still staring into her dark window, like some kind of stalker. No matter what I may feel, she won't feel the same, so it is useless no matter what I might do.

It has now been… three hours? I don't really count it. But that is not the point! I have been awake ever since I went to bed and decided to try to sleep. I have been searching for ways to fall asleep all over the internet, but I ended up just making a huge fool out of myself. As always that is ofcourse. Maybe some people are simply not created to be successful.

Riley must be one of those who god decided to put all of his effort into creating, I was just a side character that he created to make the story less dry.

I guess that was such a simple fact that I would simply have to live on and accept it. If I learned to refuse it, my life would be much harder, and right now I hardly needed that. My paintbrush was laying in my hand as I held it with a firm grasp. The strokes over the canvas left colorful lines of paint in all kinds of patterns. My view flew back and forth over the painting as my hand traveled over the paper. The loud music in my headphones was blasting into my ears as I sang along to all of the familiar songs. I even caught myself dancing a couple of times. The deadline of the art project was in just a few days, and I needed to finish before then. I had texted Riley just a few moments ago, because I had a huge lack of inspiration and was just standing there. But just talking to her made the ideas overflow, as when you put water in a glass and forget to turn the faucet off and the water just keeps pouring. As soon as an idea hit me I grabbed my brush and began the painting. I had taken too many breaks to even count before even the sketch was finished. I felt quite empty, strangely enough. My life was a whole confusing mess at this rate, and I had no interest in digging further down into the mess. Everything was coming together and falling apart at the same time as I just got more and more tired. I was not sure how long a human being normally could survive this sort of confusion, but I was almost positive that I wouldn't even pass the average. The feeling was indescribable and I just got deeper into the confusion as I tried to figure it all out. Where exactly did I go wrong? Was it maybe when I left my family, or possibly when I moved in here. Or could it be when I met Riley?

All of my things were packed up in a box under my bed. The drawing was still unfinished and I was more than ready to receive the letter from my school. The letter that would tell me that I had failed and had no chance of staying here. The letter that would tell me to leave Riley behind as I went home in embarrassment and shame, right into my parents' evil grasp. Fucking hell. Just let me live a normal fucking life for ONCE. I mean, is it really that difficult to let me live my life. I am far from what I was hoping to be at 17, but I am still in a good place right now. Even though I am happy, as it seems the universe wont let me have this either.

“So… a thing happened” A thing?! My house was filled with water all over the floor and paperwork and books were floating around as the paper disintegrated all around the room. The man who came in to help me with the pipes and water were standing in the middle of the room, with water up to his knees. This must be why Kei said they liked to fix things on their own. I called him in because the warm water did not work in the shower and kitchen. “So,” The man started talking again and I really had to control my thoughts of slapping him and yelling something not so nice. “Do you have any other place you could possibly go to?” He looked like he was on the verge of a breakdown. I did not have any place I wanted to stay at. My mother was always inviting me but I did not feel like staying at her house for the time it would take for these braindead creatures to fix my house. Wait one second. “So do you have anywhere to go?” I realized I had just been standing here quietly at the last minute. “Yes, I actually do.”

She was staring me right in the eyes as her clothes were dripping with water all over my carpet. The gray fur was turning dark as small circles of water were filling the rug. I am trying to figure out how things ended up this way. I had told her multiple times not to ask the plumber for help when I could do it for her. She lets out a huge sigh as she looks at her clothes and hair in the mirror. She looks like something the cat dragged in on a stormy winter night. “You can stay here for a while” She looks up at me with a new sparkle in her blue eyes. Her hair was still dirty and her clothes would need to dry up for at least a few days. “Really?!” She did little jumps in excitement and reminded me of my little sister when she was younger, or well, when she was still alive of course. We lost her a year ago to cancer, after that my mother was not the same. My mother used to be a very kind woman who always put other people before herself. As said, she was never the same after my sister died. A month after my sister passed her funeral took place, mom was devastated. She killed herself a week later, overdose of painkillers. My dad was never around, he left me when I must have been about 3 months old. When mum killed herself I had no one left, and so there were issues with finding a place for me to stay. I went forth and back to foster families that I absolutely hated. After a while they stopped trying to find me a new home and just let me stay with the first family that took me in. I remember something she once told me, something she told me right before she did it. Or well, to be fair she did not tell me straight up, I found her diary in her office one weekend when she went to pick up some groceries from the local mart. That is when I found and read it, that terrible, terrible thing that would forever haunt my nightmares and thoughts…

“When most people think of suicide, they think of a rope,

a overdose, jumping in front of a train, self harm,

or maybe even a small slit on the wrist with something

sharp, but you see, that is not what actually kills you,

or well, it technically does of course.

Depression is what really kills you. It is like someone

is taking your soul out of your body, leaving only a

empty shell of your past self. A shell that you can not

recognize anymore, no matter how hard you try to retrieve

to its original form, it feels hopeless, so goddamn hopeless.”

Now that I think of it, who would tell a kid that. I was 12. I was supposed to be playing games and eating too much candy. I was not going to hear anything about those things.

Riley was in the bathroom to shower and fix her hair again. I let her borrow some of my clothes since all of hers were drying outside in the backyard. I was painting again. Lines after lines with graphite that were waiting to be wiped from existence by my eraser. “Where are the towels?!” I hear Riley's voice through the bathroom wall. I smile to myself, because the towels are hanging by the door, most likely right in front of her face by now. She seems kind of lost sometimes. Just recently she forgot where her house was. “Kei, did you die?” She sounds like she's 50/50 worried and the other half joking. I laugh for myself as I hear her nervously stomping repeatedly on the bathroom floor. “Kei..?”

After Riley hugged me like there was no tomorrow and almost broke my ribs she told me to never do that again. “I was afraid you had-” Knock. Someone was knocking on the door. At this hour? The clock was no more than… I took my phone and turned on the glowing screen. 23:26. What did someone want at this hour? I turn to look over at Riley who is now sitting at my left side with a bag of candy. She is way too interested in the movie to hear anything. The entire world around her has been blocked out of her mind, and it will stay like that until the movie is over. I glance at the door by the hallway and can't help but feel a little frightened. What would someone want at this hour of the day, no, night. Another knock. This time way more aggressive and a voice was yelling. “Open the fuck up!” It was a male voice, and I did not recognize it at all. I turned around again to see Riley besides me. Her eyes were nailed to the door and her face…her face was pale as a ghost. She looked absolutely terrified of whoever was outside that door. He knocked again. And again, and again. The knocks on the door just kept coming now. I wanted to say something but my mouth was shut and my tongue was glued to the bottom of my jaw. I know the doors here are steady and it would be fairly impossible to break one open, but still. Why was this man Riley was so terrified of? And more importantly, why? Why was he outside my door at midnight on a sunday, why was Riley so scared? Riley who was never scared of anything at all. Riley who killed bugs without a flinch and watched horror movies and laughed at the bad CGI. My nails were buried deep into the sofa and my teeth were clenching together. “What do you want?!” Her voice was high-pitched and her eyes were wide open. The knocking on the door stopped, and the man was quiet. I heard silent footsteps outside the door and the man was gone. First now, without the knocking and yelling I could hear how fast my heart was beating and how loud my breath was. I was utterly mortified. Mortified of this man, of the reaction from Riley when he first opened his disgusting mouth and spoke.

Six days had gone by, slower than any day I had ever experienced earlier. Riley had not shown up even once after the incident. No texts, no calls, no nothing. Just as if she had disappeared, although, I knew she hadn't since I have seen her in the window every day. But I decided to let her come to me when she wanted to, I would not barge in. The man had not visited again since last sunday. My house was a mess at this point, and to be honest, I was probably a bit of a mess as well. I had been wearing the same sweatpants and t-shirt for a week, took one or two showers and had 2 meals a day. My room was a labyrinth of clothes and papers. But taking care of that would be way too much of an effort, at least now. My head felt like someone had removed both thoughts and brain out of it. I felt like a zombie walking around without using any brain cells to do anything. What was next? Soon I would probably forget how to walk, or open doors. Re-take kindergarten and learn the colors over and over again as I was throwing things all over the place and crying over the smallest inconvenience. Knock.

My eyes were fixated on the door. knock. Am I being paranoid? Of Course it can't be that man again right? This whole “Riley weird man knocking situation” really twisted my brain. Geez. knock. I realized I was still staring at the door. knock. This one was more quiet, like the person behind the door started to believe I was not home. That does not seem like that man from last week at least. “Kei…? Are you okay?” A very familiar voice spoke from behind the door. Riley! My heart skipped a beat and I could not stop the smile from taking over my entire face. I forcefully got out of my thoughts as I practically ran to open the door and let her in. But then I stopped. I remembered how her eyes had looked that day. Empty, cold, and absolutely terrified. Would she still look like that, and if so, would I be able to bear seeing it? Shut up and open the door now, Kei. Just open the damn door. My hand reached the handle as I twisted it.

Her eyes had a look that I had never seen before. She looked so confident and so nervous at the same time. “Riley-” I started, but I could not finish the sentence. I do not remember much, except her face coming so close to mine as she was still looking into my eyes. My brain cells gave up and the thoughts were running a marathon in my head. Maybe she is just going to take some food leftovers away from my face, or fix my hair…

Her lips touched mine. For no longer than a second the thoughts were running through my head. But then it stopped. All thoughts, all muscles in my body became a sort of jelly and I sunk to the ground. Riley followed me down and sat on the gravel in front of me. I was flabbergasted. Riley seemed to snap back to reality and she suddenly looked sad and shocked. “I.. I’m sorry” I felt awful, did I really make her think I did not like it? Fuck I can’t believe I am doing this… I leaned back forward up to her face.

This was by far the most uncomfortable silence I had ever experienced. Me and Riley had made lunch together, and were now sitting on the living room carpet. Not a word had been uttered since we had gone inside. I had tried to say something just a few minutes ago but she stopped me by placing a hand that smelled of lavender over my mouth.

Some apples do not fall far from the tree. Some fall down and roll away themselves for a new destiny. But one thing is for sure, I was picked and moved by a person. The person next to me at this very moment.

The silence was absolutely deafening. “Hey, Riley” My hands were shaking and my breathing was uneven. I turn around and I see Riley nod at me with a curious expression on her face. “I think…” My voice breaks and Riley stares at me. “Nevermind” I just can't do it. How can words be so difficult, and emotions so hard to express in the right way? Clear as day in your head as the thoughts form, but it all fucks up when you need to transform them into real words. Why does it all have to be so hard? It's just words, really. Riley is still staring right into my eyes and I am so incredibly embarrassed. Embarrassed because I can not speak, because I can’t express feelings anymore. Because I can't tell you-

The door knocks. My heart stops and falls down my chest. “Delivery for a…” the voice at the door stops for a split second as he reads the name on the package. “Kei Rust” I stand up and tilt my head an inch to see Riley. She looks alright, this time it was not the man at least. I sigh to myself as I step towards the door. The mailmans familiar, dumb looking, face is staring at me. “Sign here” He hands me a bit down pencil for me to write my name with. I signed it without further questioning. Did I order anything-? “And here” He folds over the paper to the other side and points at another empty slot for my name with a finger that looks like mine. Bit down nails and bleeding skin around the roots of the damaged nail. I sign the other name as I, if only for a split second, spot a familiar name at the top right edge of the paper. My hand fills with a heavy weight as a brown paper box is placed on my freezing palms. It's so cold it practically hurts to breathe. Through the slim kitchen window I can see Riley sitting by the tv. I feel a warm smile uncontrollably filling my face as I look at her sitting right there. Her hair was all messy and laying all around on the couch as her eyes were absolutely fixated on the tv. Cute…

Five movies and too many bags of popcorn later, we were both way too tired to be awake anymore. I had already rolled out a blanket and a mattress for Riley in the living room and put out the coffee maker as a preparation for the upcoming morning. I am not a big fan of coffee, it tastes bitter and it burns. But Riley loves it, she says it gives her energy to last the day and she loves the taste too somehow. She is an interesting person who I learn new things about each and every day. She loves books, movies (especially scary ones) She smiles at strangers because she says everyone might have had a bad day, and even a small thing like a smile from a stranger can make it a wee bit better. Her soul is pure inside and out.

“KEI!” I hear Riley's voice shouting at me from the living room. I drop everything I'm doing, dishes, coffee, cutlery, everything. The dishwater splashes right up into my face and I squint as the soap gets into my right eye. I ran out into the living room to see Riley in front of the TV, once again on the floor, wrapped in my green knitted blanket. But that's not what catches my attention. The TV news is what catches my attention. The woman on the news is dressed in a pink cardigan and a white t-shirt. She is speaking with a serious, almost frightened voice. A disease has broken out in London. People are falling dead down on the ground in a matter of seconds. I sit down besides Riley as we both look at the glowing screen as if paralyzedThe disease gets carried from physical touch, and just within a few days the disease has exterminated more than a hundred people. The government wanted it to stay silent for as long as possible, but apparently now, just this morning, the disease was discovered on a cargo ship with deliveries for germany. “The disease has spread to more than five countries already. Until a better solution is found, we highly recommend that you stay indoors and stay away from touching anyone other than immediate family.” The woman with the serious voice is now speaking with a harsh tone and her eyes are fixated to the autocue in front of her. I look at Riley and notice she is already looking at me. The look of terror is back…

“Hey Riley-” She won’t answer me. For 23 days she has been like this. Silent, slow, no appetite and always tired. It started a week after the disease had been publicly announced on the tv and we were advised to stay inside. Our food was running out, so I went to the store a few blocks away. When I got back, Riley was distant, just as if she was scared of me. A week after my grocery trip, the media announced that people wearing protective equipment would deliver food to our houses, as we were no longer allowed outside. The food was no longer hamburgers and pizza, a lot of people had passed on now. The disease was catching up to what we thought were the smartest living creatures on earth. We were served some gray, unappetizing porridge that felt like slime in the palate. It was cold as well. I missed salad, yes it is a weird thing to miss I know. But I missed the watery fresh flavor and the crispy texture as you bit into it. Almost all of the cattle had died as soon as the disease broke out.

The scientists are proposing that the disease is from the cows. And since almost every human on this earth drinks milk, eats cheese, ice cream, chocolate, anything that has dairy in it , it helps the disease and it spreads fast. The disease then continues to spread through wounds or mouth, nose, eyes, ears and so on. From only being allowed to have physical contact with immediate family, to no one. We got told not to touch or be too close to anyone. “This whole thing is so fucked up.” Riley’s raspy voice was heard for the first time in weeks. She’s sitting with her knees up to her chest and her arms wrapped around her legs. She's staring blankly into the ground as she talks with a now raspy and silent voice. She is a mess. “Hey, at least we are still alive, right?” A hopeless attempt to lighten her mood a little. “And we are both here, and I love you as much as ever.” Tsk. She looks up at me. “Do you really call what we are doing living?” The question hits like a rock, right through my chest. “Hah, no, we are merely surviving, love”

Weeks later, more and more of the gray goo food, more arguments, more breakdowns. The disease has reached our city, spreading rapidly. The food supplies stopped being sent yesterday. Riley has not said a word since the argument last week and I’m losing every ounce of hope I have ever had. Squeak. What the- NO! Do not tell me it is what I think. I rushed to the hallway. Down the stairs, past the sofa and empty foil plates with rests of the food in it. Riley, she’s sitting at the door. Hand on the handle. The door is wide open. Open to the world. For a split second I give in to the fresh, cold air and take a step towards the door and almost take a big breath of the air. The realization hits and I quickly throw my hand up to cover my mouth. I put my hand in front of Riley's dry, broken lips. I see the world outside, empty houses, trash everywhere, broken windows from the teens raiding the stores for food and supplies. The hand I hold in front of Riley is… cold. My heart drops, my hand falls down from her and my face. Riley, she is not breathing. My throat feels swollen and my eyes are watering. No, this isn’t crying, not only at least, it feels weird. Like my body is breaking. My arms and legs are shaking. I am like paralyzed. Can’t move. Can’t speak, not a sound comes out of my mouth. The panic is rising through every cell of my body. I feel heavy, I can feel the gravity pulling me down. Riley’s lifeless body is in front of me. No, no I don’t want to die, not like this, not here… I have so much left to do, so many things I want to experience..