From childhood to adulthood I have been waiting for the day I turned 18.
At 18 , nothing happened, nothing special. Still living the same as I did in my childhood.
Still living with the same people.
Living with the people I hate the most . I hate them Not because they're abusive, not because they are bad people. Or had ever done anything bad to me.
I hate them because they breathe too loud.
Just because they simply exist.
Just because they're loud.
Even when they're not loud their whispers annoy me .
To the point that I break down emotionally.
To the point I wish I didn't exist.
To the point I wish I was deaf .
To the point I wish to bang my head.
Even when there whispers Are not about me .
I wished at 18 I could live alone.
The problem probably isn't them .
Maybe I'm too sensitive.
Too idle ,
That there might be a devils workshop in my head .
At home my parents say you're too loud.
Outside they say you're not loud enough.
They are right I'm loud at home and quite outside.
I know I'm not doing quite ok mentally
Because I am way too annoyed by everything in the house.
I hated the parrots in my home.
I really Fought with my mother everyday saying that I hate them they're too loud.
They sold the parrots.
I really wish I could turn all the noises in the world or go deaf
Even if I go deaf I won't be satisfied.
Because going deaf won't make the noise in my head disappear.
I simply don't have peace. Maybe because I am a sinner.
I hate my hair soo much. I wish to cut them . My mother won't let me .
One day I fought fiercely with her .
I said,
" why are you so controlling, everybody is allowed to cut their hair why can't I"
She simply said.
" If you want to cut your hair so badly you can do it "
She gave me the money and said you should go to a salon for a proper haircut.
IT IS CLEAR THAT I AM THE PROBLEM.
I DON'T DESERVE THEM .
At the end I didn't cut my hair.
I have a best friend. I love her very much. But I also wish that I didn't spend my childhood with her.
Because I hate people when they are too close.
We got separated because our parents bought houses far from each other.
At first I really thought thankgod . I was truly happy about it.
Not because I hate her but because I craved silence.
But then again,
A month later I went to a sleepover at her house.
After spending few days at her house.
I feel envious. I'm jealous that she has such a quiet home. Just her mother and her. I wish to live like that for years.
After tasting the sweetness of the peace. I wished if I couldn't go back home. Because my house is loud. Because I am Loud in my home and I hate it.
I do like her very much.
We are childhood friends, first cousins, best friend.
We had lots of fun together.
But even so I heard her saying I wish I could move out from my house. I don't wish to stay here.
Then she said to me if we could move abroad together.
I said our parents won't let us.
We are allowed to go out to parks and stuff.
Sometimes we go to our weird spots and spend a lot of money and the food always turns out to be the one that doesn't taste good.
She always wishes that she could lose weight and I always wish I could put on some weight.
I hate my sunken cheeks and dark circles. I am 19 but I weight only 35 kg.
Sometimes I hate my body but she says she hates it too.
Last night we were watching a horror movie which I suggested till 1:30.
She said she could see the faces during her sleep.
I always said it wasn't even a horror story. And it really wasn't.
We're really silly when we're together.
I kinda miss her very much.
I still remember the other day we poured apple juice in small glass cups and pretend we were drinking to drown our sorrows. We're 19 and still do childish stuff.
🫸 Wait......
When I start talking about her I even forgot about the topic on which I had to write.
Bestie o' bestie you made me forget everything for a moment.
I even forgot what I was yapping about my life.
You comfort me in this way too .
Forget it .
I forgot the feeling in between......
Well today I came home and just had a boring day overall.
Nothing special.
I don't have energy anymore.
I wish tomorrow is better than yesterday.
I don't have many friends.
Only one and a two .
But she is special,very very special.
I wish to be a good friend one day.
I good person one day.
Maybe I'll try to be a good person from tomorrow.
Maybe I'll start praying.
Maybe I'll start doing a hobby.
Maybe I'll try to study hard .
I do wish to be a better version of myself but I'm kinda very lazy.
