The Loser

“Okay, it looks like all the buildings are empty with little to no furniture.”

“I should just head back to my apartment to plan what I should do.” I say as I head back to my apartment room.

“Alright… what to do now?”

“Let’s just eat first.”

I head to the kitchen and grab an instant ramen and start cooking some hot water.

“Hmm… where can I get water and food here?” I say as I start eating my instant ramen.

“Well, the city seems to be infinite so maybe I’ll find some convenience store if I just walk for long enough.”

“Wait, but if the other buildings are mostly empty, then wouldn’t the convenience store be empty too?”

“Eh, it’s worth a try.”

(A few moments later)

“Ahh… nothing beats the taste of instant ramen when you’re hungry.”

“Ok, back to reality… or whatever this f*cking place is.”

“Should I just stay here until my food or water runs out?” I say as I open my phone to check the internet.

“What was I expecting, of course there’s nothing on the internet.”

“Hah, I think I’m just gonna lay down here for a bit. I just wanna relax myself and calm myself down.”

“Wait, can I play online games?”

I open my phone and instantly start opening Counter Hit.

“There’s no one here either. I can’t even play a match because there’s no one here other than me.”

“So online games are a no no huh..”

“… What a sh*t world.”

“You know what, instead of slacking off, I should try and find a convenience store and try to find food and drinks..”

*yawns*

“After a little nap.” I say as I begin to doze off.

(A few moments later)

I wake up and instantly check the window.

“So it really is not a dream..”

“Well, time to try and find a convenience store.”

I begin preparing to explore the city to search for a convenience store. After preparing, I instantly go out and search for a convenience store. I walk and walk, passing by many buildings that have empty yet familiar looking interiors.

“Ok this is actually pretty scary. If I was truly alone here then who built this city?”

“Is this purgatory? What the f*ck did I do, God?”

*sigh*

“Well I’ll just have to survive here until I eventually find a way out here… I hope.”

As I walk farther and farther away from my apartment, I begin to feel more uneasy and paranoid. The more buildings I pass by, the lonelier I feel, but the feeling that there’s someone or something other than me in this city is worse than the feeling of loneliness.

“Ok, I’ve walked for 20 minutes, maybe there really aren’t any convenience store in this hell.” I say as I start to panic.

“Calm down, and stay alert, if there is someone or something that’ll attack you, you just need to stab them and run or just run. It’s no big deal. You are strong, you’ve been through stuff that are comparable to this hell.”

“Except my pass traumas comes from something that makes logical sense, and this place just makes no sense at all, I mean, the time here is always 12 A.M. mid night and the more and more I walk the more it feels like this sh*t city is really infinite.” I say as I start to panic more and more.

"Maybe 10 more minutes of walking." I say to myself thinking that eventually if I walked long enough there would be a convenience store.

The more and more I walk, the more anxious I become, passing by each empty building after building is slowly driving me crazy. Without even reaching 10 minutes the feeling of loneliness and that something is watching me overwhelms me.

“Alright let’s just go back, I’ve been walking for 25 straight minutes and still haven’t found anything and there’s also that feeling of being watched by something is just gonna make me panic more and more.” I say as I quickly turn back towards where I thought my apartment was.

I couldn’t stand the dreaded feeling of something watching me so I quickly ran towards where I thought my apartment was, and without noticing it, I was lost. I start nervously sweating and hyperventilating, the feeling of loneliness and danger begins to remind me of one of my past traumas.

“Sh*it sh*t sh*t, f*ck! Where the f*ck is my apartment.”

“AAHH! F*CK F*CK F*CK! WHY CAN’T I FIND MY GODDAMN APARTMENT!!!” I yelled panicking more and more.

Eventually after 27 minutes of running aimlessly, I finally give in to the thought that I was lost and there’s almost no way going back home. I sat down at the front of a building and started sobbing. Feeling scared, alone and pathetic. All the bottled up emotions and feelings came pouring out.

“What the f*ck did I do to deserve this God?” I whimpered.

“What did I ever do to you?”

“You already made me lost my whole family once, and now you’re taking away my previous life? WHAT THE F*CK DID I DO WRONG!!!” I yelled whimpering.

“If I’m really not alone and there’s something here that wants to kill me then go ahead… I don’t care anymore..”

"..."

“This is all just my fault.”

“If only I had just chosen to stay at my apartment, then I wouldn’t have been here.”

“If only I hadn’t slept that night, then there’s no way I would’ve been here in the first place.”

"This is all just my punishment for abandoning my family..."

“I deserve this, I’m nothing but a selfish stupid person. I don’t deserve to live, I should I just die, nobody truly cares about me anyways.” I whimpered.

I put my knife that I brought for protection to my neck. My hands started shaking rapidly and I started to get out of breath. My heart was pounding fast, my whole body felt cold even though I was wearing a jacket. It felt like I was going to puke. The closer the knife got to neck the harder I cried.

“I just want to end it..” I whimpered.

“I want to end the pain….” Putting the knife closer to my neck.

“……”

“I’m just a weak idiot a*shole who doesn’t deserve any happiness. I left my family behind just for my selfish desires.” My hands started shaking harder as the knife touched my neck.

“I deserve to lose everything… I DON’T DESERVE F*CKING HAPPINESS!!!” I yelled, crying harder whilst putting the knife closer and closer to my neck.

I started to suffocate because I was so out of breath, the knife cutting a little bit into my neck. The knife fell from my hand because I couldn’t do it and I was so out of breath. I cried and cried and cried. Little drops of blood came out from the wound that I inflicted on my neck. My whole body started shaking harder, as I continuously mocked myself again and again.

Eventually, tears stopped flowing from my eyes. I felt dead inside, like I wanted to cry but couldn’t because the tears just wouldn’t come out of my eyes. My whole body was still shaking and my heart pounded faster, it felt like I was going to die.

“I’m such a failure aren’t I?” I say in weak voice.

*sigh*

“I didn’t want to spend more time with my family just because of my selfishness, and now they’re dead because of I abandoned them.”

“I’m just a selfish loser who leeches off of others.”

“I don’t deserve happiness.”

“I should just die.”

“I’m just a sh*t no good person with no talents..”

“F*ck me for being such a pathetic loser.”

“WHY AM I SO F*CKING SELFISH GOD???!!” I yelled as my body shaked even more.

It felt like I was on the verge of fainting but can’t faint. I coughed and coughed, feeling like I wanted to puke but just couldn’t. I just curled up into a fetal position, as I try to make tears come out of my eyes and kept hating on myself. I kept on hurling insults at myself and telling myself that ‘I should die’ and ‘I don’t deserve happiness’ and ‘I’m such a failure’. No matter how much I tried, the tears just couldn’t come out, it felt like hell.

After what felt like an eternity of that agonizing pain, I finally was able to collect my thoughts and calm myself down. My body slowly stopped shaking and I was slowly able to breathe without the feeling like I was drowning in the deep ocean with no one to help me. My heart slowly slowed it’s beating. The feeling of hopelessness slowly turned to hopefulness. The agonizing pain turned to pleasant relieve. Positive thoughts started to fill my head as I slowly but surely lifted myself off the ground. I, was finally at peace.

“…”

*sigh*

“I’ve been through this once, if I want to stop being a loser then I need to continue living.”

“It’s already proven that it’s possible to be transported to a different world, then it’s not a farfetched thing to say that there’s a way to go back.”

“I just need to survive until then.”

“My family wouldn’t want me to die, they want me to be happy.”

“Mom, dad, little bro, Shouko, Garen, Rokuto, I’m sorry for being such a failure, so from this point onwards, I’ll try my best to not be a failure anymore.”

“Let’s start by slowly finding my way back to my apartment.”

I picked up my knife and all the other stuff that I dropped and prepared to go back to my apartment.

*crack crack crackle crackle*

“What he f*ck was that?” I say as I slowly turned to see what was the source of those noises.

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