my biggest pain

I just was 13 years old that time...

I come back to home from school as fast as I can,to give my mother her gift . It's her birthday i was happy , I opened the door I smelled something worried .

I smiled and said

... :" maybe mom forget the food on the fire again. ...

...But when I steped into the house i found my father put a knife into mom heart . I didn't know what's going on, my mind, my breathe and my heat stopped. but my sister crying sound wake me up , my older sister she was shocked and afraid . I took deep breath and I catch a chair and I hit my father , I was only thinking how I could save my mother. ...

...Then dad get up and give me a horrible look and start crying, I start yelling and slapping him . My tongue I can't move it I hold my sister and start saving : why why you monster did that to us why , I wish you die miserable....

Today, I'm 20 years old , yeah I wake up scared from that horrible dream .

It's been years but that moment come to my dreams every night ..

I keep asking why why me have to suffer like that why me have to feel this pain all this years.

I want to be a normal person but I couldn't because from that day I can't feel anything .

I went to many doctors but no one could help me .

That's one of the reasons why I still single, because of this monster I can't trust anyone. All I wished is to live peacefully I don't need anyone. My sister she move on , she not like me stuck in the past .

This year she is 28 years old , she is married and has a baby . She has normal life .

I really want to know why me the only one can't let go why just why , maybe it's me who want to live in dark . But I don't want to lie I love it how I am falling more deeply into the darkness.

I just want to be alone even in college I have no friends I'm all alone by myself.

I wished someone could hear me , can save me .

Will I meet my angel who can save me from the past that kills me slowly without mercy .

Oh! my heart you truly hurt me a lot , I can't take it anymore . I can't hold it anymore , sometime I just want to kill myself . Maybe I am insane or I am not strong enough to face the truth , yes

until now I can't fight back I can't let go because I am too week .

Why I have to stay like that maybe I can save myself without someone help . That's what I thought but I couldn't . Sometimes in my dreams a guy come to me and give me his warm hand , I wish it was in reality not in my dream so I can really use this hand to save myself ....

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