The Life of the Young Woman

My life, was lonely.

I know I didn't have the hardest life imaginable. One search online was enough to prove that.

However, this was my own form of nightmare. One I had to live through.

My mother told me I was a very happy sociable child. She once told me that as a toddler I would walk to random adults and start talking to them. She said I was very mature for my age.

This fact, while true did not live through school.

I vaguely remember being over joyed to run around and play, before I remember the countless days of being alone as other kids play together.

I wasn't like the other kids, not because of my maturity or personality. But because of how I looked.

I was half Chinese, meaning I had a light chocolate brown skin with dark brown almost black hair and chocolate brown eyes. My mother would say I had the most beautiful eyes.

Because of my heritage, I looked different from the other white and slight tanned children. They didn't understand why I looked strange to them.

It was because of this fact, I was labelled 'weirdo' by all my classmates.

I had no friends in my class, my whole year group in one class didn't acknowledged me as one of them. Outcasting me within the first year of school.

I made one friend, she was a year older than me and we connected by how similar we looked.

She moved away a year later.

I was not aware of this until after 3 months of waiting, sitting on the stone steps for her to come to school and play again. I was devastated.

After sitting alone for a long time, I tried to search for new friends.

This was one of the hardest task I ever had.

It was my second year of school, though being a Welsh school it was called Derbyn.

I remember running around during playtime, asking other kids if I could play with them.

I was rejected every time.

No one wanted the 'weirdo' to play with them.

Keep in mind, the yard we played in contained kids from Derbyn to Year 2. 3 separate year groups and none wanted me to be their friends.

My last attempt was with a pair of girls. Both blonde and smaller than me. They were in my class and were playing with a skipping rope.

I remember asking them to join them, before the smallest girl rudely told me no. Being horrible to me, saying she didn't want me to play with her and to go away.

The other girl nodded and agreed with her, following her lead.

While the other kids only refused, they were verbally bullying me. Laughing at me and calling me the name I came to despite.

"Go away Weirdo, we don't want you playing with us."

I don't remember what she said, all I could remember was her cruel smiling face as she laughed at me. While I stood there with tears in my eyes, feeling incredibly upset.

I told my mother about what happened the same day.

My mother distraught went to talk to the teacher I my stead by my request.

I lost my courage to talk to people, especially over something I was deeply upset about. For I would just start crying.

After my mother talked to the teacher, she had the idea of getting me and the two blondes to be nice to each other.

To be friends.

I was slightly uncomfortable but I would do anything to not be lonely again.

For simplicity sake let's call the smallest blond C and the other R.

C, I remember was not happy, though R seemed to just accept it.

Lo and behold we became close friends after some time. The three musketeers if you will.

Soon later a new student came to our school named E and we took the opportunity to befriend her into our group.

Our group now consisted of a asian, a tall and short blonde and a redhead. We were now the four musketeers.

When I was young, friendship was everything to me. As it was the most precious thing in the world in my eyes.

Because of this I was incredibly loyal, I would stick up to my friends no matter what. Always having their backs.

However, this didn't seem to matter to my 'friends'.

I was constantly backstabbed, betrayed and abandoned. My brain seemed to have blocked some away from trauma.

My mother told me that I would always come home crying over something my 'friends' did.

I don't remember this, nor do I remember the incidents she told me. The times my 'friends' would run and hide from me as I search for them. My 'friends' laughing behind my back as I searched for them over and over again.

I only remember this happening twice, when I was older. Once at a family friend's house with a massive garden. Where I remember unable to find anyone except for the innocent younger sister of R and the family friend's daughter. I remember spotting my 'friend' R and her brother and sister, either alone or together. Only for them to run away from me as I try to catch up.

I have no memory of spending a single moment with R that day. Only the bleak sky as R's youngest sister and her friend kept me company.

I miss those two, I've known them since they were born. And by far, they were one of the kindest people in my life.

The other incident, I'll tell later.

Back to the earlier years of my life, there has been countless times of betrayal that I remember. Many still makes me cry to this day, for the amount of loneliness and heartbreak that I'd constantly feel. I won't recount these tales, for there are too many to tell and each would take quite a lot of time to tell.

Despite these constant heartbreaks inflicted by my 'friends' I remained loyal.

A prominent moment of loyalty was when C and R had a fight. I can't remember what the fight was about, but it lead to R getting slapped across the face.

I was by R's side as she cried, guiding her to the teacher. A boy in my year helping out as well.

However loyal I was, it was taken for granted by my so called 'friends'. Soon our small group disbanded when R and C moved and changed schools. R didn't move far so we were still in touch and I would often visit her house. But she soon made friends in her new school, one of which didn't seem to like me and would often drag R away. Much like a classmate of mine would. I'll tell that tale another day.

With C out of the picture and R in another school, E soon started to hang out with the other kids.

Leaving me alone once more.

It was at this point that I became bitter. The effects of constant backstabbing and loneliness was taking its toll on my psyche.

I could no longer trust someone, and held a grudge against E.

I am not proud of how I expressed my anger towards E.

But I was only 9 or 10. Feeling abandoned by those I cared about.

It was at this point that I started to draw alone in the small garden those in year 5 to 6 was provided. At this year I was also able to go to the little yard to play with the younger kids. The innocent children who weren't exposed to my reputation.

While drawing outside gave me clarity and calm peacefulness, able to play with the younger children let me do the things I always wanted to do when I was their age.

Despite now mostly void of toxic relations, I still would sometimes return home crying.

I can remember two instances where I was forgotten by my entire class and teacher. Being forgotten and left behind when I went to the toilet after asking the teacher, as they went to who knows where for a class photo.

I was left out of that photo. Instead you could see me in another photo of a different year.

Crying alone in the background.

Another instance was when one of my favourite teachers was retiring. Along with a classmate who was moving away.

No one told me they were taking a class/group photo as a farewell.

I was unable to be in the photo with my favourite teacher as a farewell gift. I don't even remember being able to properly say goodbye.

I still cry to this day, as it signifies what I was to my classmates.

A outcast that was easily forgotten.

No one cared that I would sit alone quietly and sadly in class. No one cared to notice my absence to look for me.

Soon though, primary school was over and I was off to secondary school.

I cried on my last day, not for leaving some of my classmates behind. But for the teachers and the places I enjoyed to spend my time in. I even cried over leaving the kind cafeteria lady behind. Though two forgotten me, one of which was long gone. I still held them dear to my heart. I remember giving my headmaster a tight hug as I cried. Giving him a farewell drawing as a present.

I loved my headmaster, not romantically. He was like a father figure to me, as my own father would often return to his home country for months yearly. He had my drawings I would draw for him hung up in his office. I can still remember seeing them for the last time with the new drawing of me with a bob cut that I grew out wearing my school uniform. Displayed next to the drawing of a daffodili drew a few years prior.

I found out that when I started school, he only started as headmaster. Meaning my year was the first year he got to see grow from day 1.

The headmaster was the best, next to my year 4 teacher who made me love math. He gave me my first certificate when I was in Derbyn for painting a butterfly. I was the first in my year to receive one. I got plenty more after that, but this one was the one I can remember vividly. He gave me many amazing moments. One including the time I almost hit him with my hoola hoop at a talent contest by accident.

Oops, but it was the best day ever as after years of participation. I won first place. Another story for another time.

Anyway, now in secondary school I remember being ecstatic. A big grin on my face as I jumped up and down, unable to contain my excitement.

I was going to a new school with kids from other schools. Kids who would've never heard of me. Kids I could potentially make friends with.

I was a grinning goof ball beaming with joy on the first day, maybe week.

This ball of sunshine was shot down immediately.

Somehow my reputation was spread throughout the school and soon everyone knew my name.

The weird Chinese girl.

I made no friends that year.

I never felt more alone.

No longer was I in the school I grew accustomed to, where I could go somewhere private and enjoy the sun.

I was trapped in a campus with kids in every corner.

And I repeat, I never felt more alone.

For no matter where I went, there was always kids with their friends having fun, chatting, hanging out.

While I stood there or sat alone in the corner.

I don't know the rumours that was spread around about me. I know they existed, for how else would people I never met know my name and existence.

I'm a bit afraid to find out what the rumours were, not like I can now. But I still wonder what rumour was told that made people avoid me like the plague.

Not the way R avoided me with her siblings and other kids.

But physically avoid me.

For instance, once in a meeting in the hall a group of girls in my year I dubbed the popular group was near me. When they noticed me, they looked at each other. Whispered and laughed before physically moving away from my proximity. As though I had COVID and didn't want to catch whatever I carried.

It hurt, more than how R did it. Cause with R I was confused and oblivious to her intentions. But this, this was blatent avoidance with me being fully aware of their actions.

You know how I mentioned previously how badly my psyche was affected by my toxic 'friends'? That was nothing compared to what happened in year 7.

As we were talking about R, it is to mention we stopped being friends in the last summer holiday before secondary school. Before we could reunite in the same school once more.

Me, my mother and R's family went on holiday together. We stayed in a stationed caravan next to a arcade, bar and pool.

We were having fun, until R and her siblings decided to avoid and outcast me again. Like they did before.

This time, they would play at a location I didn't know about and refused to tell me where they went. I would follow them around to find out where. But they would only treat it like a game, making me run around in circles to find their so called 'hideout' was.

That is what they called their special place. A hideout, a place to hide away from me.

I got upset fast, tired from running around and feeling hurt emotionally I went back to the caravan and cried.

My mother talked with R's mother. They had a dispute. Our holiday cut short and our ties with R's family as well.

I would see R about in school, she mostly ignored me though. I made some light talk for maybe a chance of reconciliation. But that never happened. I was still in good terms with her mother and her little sister. Who would often hug me in joy, for it was rare to see each other after I stopped going to their house.

Anyway, with no friends, constant betrayals and now physical social outcating. I succumbed to the affects of Loneliness.

Though Loneliness is used as a way to describe their feelings. It is a real thing that has a horrible affect on your psyche. Search it up online if you want to know more.

It makes you see everything in a bad light, glass half empty if you will. The distrustful of everyone, to the point that you believe everyone is out to get you. You become bitter and cold. Unkind to those who talk to you as your walls are up with spikes. Refusing to let anyone in to protect yourself from being hurt again. Along with isolating yourself from society.

The once eager girl looking for new friends was now cold and uncaring, rarely speaking and would sit as far away as possible from others. Getting easily angry at anyone who even slightly upset you.

It was a dark time for me. If I wore makeup and if my school allowed us to wear our own clothes. I'd probably be full on emo.

I don't remember much from this time, for it was short lived and everyday was the same thing.

A prominent moment was when I got really mad a guy for accidently knocking my tray of fresh food over. Ruining my meal before I could even take a bite.

It was one of the rare moments where I swore. And I never swore.

Flash forward a year I was able to make a friend. Her name shall be A.

Like me she didn't fit in and we both had a lot in common. A moment she likes to remember is when she was drawing the Miraculous Ladybug symbol, and I absentmindedly called it out. We had a full on fangirl chat straight after.

A and I grew close fast, this didn't last long. A year later now in year 9 I was swamped with homework and spent 2 weeks continously working non stop. So bad that I actually fainted in a assembly, this was my first and only time I fainted.

As soon as I finished my work I went out to search for A to apologise for my absence and to make up for lost time.

While I was busy with work, A was able to find and make friends of her own. Which I was happy for. They were really nice people. So nice to the point I wanted to hang out with them and possibly be friends with them.

A was not happy about this, fearing I would steal her friends away. I was offended when she told me and deeply hurt. I wanted to spend time with her and get to know her new friends. I didn't want it to be like R and her friends. Plus, I would never steal her friends for I knew what it felt like to have your friend taken from you. I have many experiences with this.

After she told me this and refuses to tell me where she spends her time with her new friends, I ended our friendship right then and there. For this is not how someone should treat a friend.

I was a wreck soon after.

I ended the only friendship I had and was alone was more, but luck was on my side for once.

The friends A refused me to be with came to my side in a year meeting in the hall. Wanting to be with me. ME. No one ever wanted to be sat next to me. They lifted my spirits up quickly and after answering their questions on what happened between me and A they were quickly by my side of the argument. I was stunned. For people sided with me than their own friend cause they believed me.

Previously I was confronted by a classmate in PE who accused me of being mean with A after she talked with her. I felt cornered and she refused to let me tell her my point of view. I can only remember leaving crying after that.

So having these people believe me made me really happy and I may have broken down in joy.

It took months for A to reconcile and hang out with her friends, who were my friends now due to our fight. And many months more before she stopped stating that I'm her friend and not best friend anymore.

Though I'm still close with the group of friends I made, I moved on to another much smaller group. Which A later joined with a toxic friend. Who I don't want to talk about.

I stuck with this group through the rest of my life. They were funny, supportive and caring. We were the kind of group who would play meme songs at a party. Strangely enough our school called used the unicorn gang. To which we retaliated saying we should be the Neko gang or something instead. For we were more cat lovers than unicorn lovers.

My long ordeal in friendship came to a happy ending that continued till my dying breath. Though I wished I never had to go through the hardships I did in my life, I always liked to believe that without the bad I wouldn't be where I am today.

Now we got my friendship life out of the way, let's talk about love life.

For it is a mess. Well, was.

I craved love, I wanted live for as long as I can remember. Someone who would love me for all my quirks and flaws. Someone I can hold in my arms with a content smile.

I'm asexual, so I cherish the relationship and communication aspect of love.

My dream love life being a friend who I slowly get to know and grow to love, who loves me back and go from there.

Unfortunately for me, all the guys in my life just wants to do the deed.

Yes, I am innocent. So innocent that my friends would often tell me so.

Anyway, after regaining my confidence and happiness guys all over school started to chase after my affection.

Well, not every guy, only 7. With 2 others online. A guy friend I met in a game and a female friend I got to know through a friend's friend's connection.

Yes, I was pursued by a lesbian and I realised this before she confessed to me. To which I weeped while laughing hysterically at how crazy my love life has been.

One of the guys was my crush, but he confessed in public so many times that it no longer affected me. Plus I was never gonna announce in front of a audience that I liked him back. I still had social anxiety, plus I wanted a relationship to be private before public.

All the guys who asked me out were only after my physical features, never taking the chance to know me first. Which was a shame.

I never got together with my crush in the end.

In fact, I never got together with anyone.

My life was cut short before I even had the chance of finding love.

Before I tell you of my death.

I must tell you that I am not the smartest girl in my year. My friend A beat me to that by a landslide, which I'm proud of. I was constantly told to be smart and bright which inadvertently made me struggle handling things I had trouble with. My grades slipped and I barely passed my AS levels.

I had potential, I was told to have potential. And I threw it away, using my free time to instead spend time with my friends and goof around.

I wanted to be a police officer. I still do, but I'm gonna try and open as many doors as possible.

If I didn't die, I'd probably flunked my A Levels and failed in life. Something I deeply feared. But I avoided thinking it meaning I rarely if at all studied.

To my death.

It was Christmas Day.

My birthday was on the same month making me 18 years old.

I was walking from my home to my dad's flat to celebrate Christmas day with in the afternoon.

With it being winter it got dark fast and I was walking through the town by myself.

I didn't think much of it. It was still fairly early despite the night sky above me.

Everyone was at home celebrating Christmas with their family so barely no one was outside in town.

I payed no head as I sung Last Christmas to myself with my earphones in.

I felt something strike my back.

It hurt...

Hurt?

No..

It... It... IT BURNS!

Scorching pain shot through my body as though my body was being lit on fire.

The pain on my back extended through my chest to the front.

I paled.

Either from the shock or blood lost I don't know.

But what I do know is that I had a knife sticking out of my chest with blood, my blood oozing out.

I coughed up blood.

Reminded me of the time I almost had blood cancer on my birthday.

I suddenly felt woozy as I lost my balance.

The knife was pulled out behind me and the force forced me to fall back onto the ground.

It hurt... I think... The pain in my chest dulled the pain from the impact. Making it difficult to tell if I was hurt from the fall.

Not that it mattered.... I was gonna die anyway..

In my hazy gaze at the dark sky. I see a figure.

I couldn't see what he looked liked, but he looked around my age.

The music was still ringing through my ears.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart~!

The figure leaned in to my pale, pale face.

His lips kissed mine, but I was unresponsive at a that point.

But the very next day, you gave it away.

"This is what you get for rejecting me."

He whispered to me. I didn't know who he was. Nor do I recognise him.

This year to save me from tears~!

"Merry Christmas #£&@?!&£. "

I'll give it to someone special.

And with that he left.

Leaving me in the pool of my own blood.

As darkness consumes me..

This was the end of my life.

Another life was not something I was expecting.

A/N

Just got this app, gave it a wirl without checking how others write their stories. So I don't know if A/N's are a thing here. It is now 4:45am and I've been writing for hours. Night.

(will edit later cause my tired mind does weird stuff when I write)

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