Prologue: Since I Shan't Succeed

It was only me in a small and dark room with four corners. Illuminating my face was the light emanating from a computer monitor. I have holed up in my room for who knows how long, but as for me, it felt like hours. Fun, swift hours.

In that room was an entirely new world. Every colorful pixel gave me a purpose in living. I dropped out of school to pursue my passion for writing, but my parents were, of course, against it. Fortunately, they weren’t that strict as to eject me out of the house. They were the kindest people I have ever known, and I loved them for it.

But I still won’t give in to their request. I may have been what people called a ‘NEET,’ which gave me a poor impression no matter how I sliced it. My parents tried to discourage me, but I returned with an argument trying to convince them of its futility. In the end, they shook their heads in disappointment and left me be.

Some of my friends—fine, a few of my friends—fine! I had only one friend! And he—oh would you shut up? I am confident that he was my friend, not an acquaintance! Anyway, he once came over to my house to visit me in my den, trying to dissuade me from chasing my ‘delusions’ any further, but I turned him down.

“It’s for my family,” I said.

“But by it, you’re making your parents suffer,” he replied.

I am thankful for a friend like him. Even though I did not attend school anymore, he frequently visited me when he was off from his other circles of friends. I swear, I was not jealous, and if I would be, I’d still be equally grateful. He made my life a little brighter, and a bit easier to bear. We played games, chatted, joked, pranked, and ate together. I could have called him brother if he allowed me to, but he seemed to have a complex against siblings, though he had an older sister.

I wished I had a sibling, but thank goodness, I didn't. It would have made life harder for them.

Nevertheless, I rebelled against this stupid flow of life, because it once pushed against me before, and almost drowned me.

***

Before, I studied in my final year of senior high school but dropped out not only because of my goal. I endure couldn’t the disdain for me any longer. They condemned me because of something I did not do. But, still, one that shook the pillars of my judgment.

But I shall recall the story, in the off-chance that I would receive any sympathy.

I have found out that half of my entire class had been cheating, and not only in that current school year, but also in the past year. And the righteous I tried to dissuade them and threatened to report them to the faculties, but somehow, they turned the tide against me. Instead, they accused me of doing what they have done, even placing me as the mastermind of the act. Though they craftily admitted to the crime, the faculties imposed a light punishment while I took the worst. I had a pint of mercy on them, for I didn’t immediately report them to the teachers. Somehow, they fooled the entire school and faked everything so that I would be the delinquent. There was something at work behind the scenes.

I toiled and regretted that decision, and I was conscience-stricken. “Maybe, I should have reported them earlier! Dang it!” I slammed.

They suspended me for several weeks, missing most of that last quarter. And in that time, I found the grail of escapism through writing.

When I returned after my suspension was lifted, the people who didn’t know the full story denounced me of chicaning, while those whom I accused jeered. The teachers, who I hoped would take my side and intervene, instead, watched from afar with cold eyes.

But I accustomed myself to become quiet, appearing cold and distant, but on the inside…

It hurts, my heart.

From murmurs to silence, I left without anyone caring.

***

But, now, I can put my ideas into words onto a screen. Words that can be made into pages, then into a book. Words that I write can’t hurt me. I can make them comfort me, whenever and wherever I wanted. I was writing for my pleasure.

I typed away at my dusting keyboard, tainted by chips and the grime of my hands. But I did clean it after every writing session, trust me. The book I was writing at that time was titled The Hero Is Extravagantly Rich but Severely Thrifty. I know it was an absurd book when I started writing it. It was supposed to narrate a shadow of my ideals onto a female protagonist. At the same time, it was the life I have wished for. Being rich and free, unbound by the cares of life, and being the main character of my own life. The complete opposite of mine.

My family’s financial situation has been dipping below average ever since my last school year and was now starting to plummet because of my new hermit lifestyle. My parents were barely able to afford my tuition that year. I know that I looked like a jerk for dropping out and wasting my parents' efforts, but it would be more of a waste to attempt to focus on your studies when people are shooting gazes at you.

***

Time passed, and an opportunity came. A golden one. One that will not only change my life but also make it easier for my parents. It’s my chance to bring them pure joy and a genuine smile on their faces, instead of a pained and dull smile that always pierced me when I saw it. That opportunity was to become a published author.

Notified through an email, a certain person from a well-known publishing company sent me a message concerning one of my many web novels. They asked me if I could meet them with my novel’s manuscript. I was excited and all the more elated.

I have written many that I couldn’t count, and many more that I couldn’t publish, most of them discontinued. And it was amazing that perhaps finally, one of them was recognized. I had been writing books, not purely for my leisure, ever since I left school. The offer was generous, and maybe, extravagant for a poor person like me. The money was tempting, but the prospect of being an established writer tempted me more. But, alas, an obstacle lay on my path. It was a train ride to Tokyo. And I couldn’t afford it.

Fortunately, they were kind enough to compensate for my two-way fare, just not in the fancy Shinkansen, as I should have expected. They wouldn’t dare to spend that much on a stranger from a shady background. It was an unsure investment from a business standpoint, and I understood that, even though I never owned a business. It was just the poor’s mindset.

***

And now, I was on this fancy train— please allow me to call it fancy. I never rode on a train before this. I mostly only walked the short distance to my school and the convenience stores nearby. Those were the two locations I ever traveled to, other than my home. I avoided commuting as much as possible to save much of my lunch money, but half of the time, I would proceed throughout the day without lunch, as my parents apologize to me for not being able to provide me with anything. It pained my soul.

“You don’t have to apologize to me. I wish I could have done something, something better,” is what I wanted to tell my parents.

And that better is now!

***

Being in the crowded station is terrifying, and I had only two minutes to get through the rushing crowds before my train ride leaves the station. This was my first time riding a train, especially going this far.

I heard an announcement, “Train is now boarding,”

“That’s my train to Tokyo,” I happily mumbled as I grasped my ticket so much that I made it crumpled and moist. Wait, I’m still holding my ticket. I need to get past those gates!

But something stopped me. Those metal gates. Wait, how do you get through this thing? I examined the metal post that has some kind of slit on top of it. Then an impatient passenger yelled from behind me.

“Excuse me! Please don’t block the gateway,” a man in a hastily worn suit gestured to me to move.

It seems like he works in Tokyo and lives here, but it’s already late in the noon. Is he late, or slacking off? I moved aside and observed him tap his wallet on the gate’s top side. Then, the metal gate revolved to let him through. I wonder where to get those things. Those seem convenient.

I figured that I have to insert my ticket into the slip, but I struggled to do so. Is it because it’s so crumpled and moist? I don’t have enough money for another! But, I succeeded and received a stub from the other end of the gate with my car and seat number. I probably looked so stupid.

I barely made it in time before the doors closed, and a train conductor directed me to be seated. I glanced at my ticket stub which indicated where I would be seated. “Ah, over there,” I was lucky enough to be seated by the window as the train starts to accelerate. I placed my duffel and laptop bag to my front, but the conductor told me to put them in the baggage compartment above me. Man, hopefully, I don’t have to pay for the baggage fee. I packed light just for this.

The wheels made a low, screaky noise as they rubbed against the rails, and a gentle, pushing motion sent me to the seat. I looked toward the window and watched the station leaving the view. The train’s engine was amplified as the speed increased. The scene blurred as the grass, trees, and houses passed by quickly.

The panorama of my hometown withdrew as the train entered a tunnel. I felt jumpy as I knew that I’m leaving home. Is this what it feels like to be homesick? I looked for something to do and decided. Agh, man, no signal in here. I brought out my laptop from one of my few items of baggage and my phone planning to use it as a ‘Ri-fi’ hotspot, but the network wouldn’t connect since I am underground. I impatiently waited for the train to exit the tunnel as I pressed the power button on my laptop. Come on, power on already. It took forty seconds before it booted up. And the light came flooding into the windows. Dang, in that much time, the train passes the tunnel. Well, it’s perfect timing. The signal returned. I sighed.

Feeling that the train decelerating, I stopped and looked outside the window. I stared in wonder at the shimmering sea that emerged into view. Is that the ocean?

I realized that the train is on a bridge over a river. That river flowed to the ocean. I glanced at the opposite windows and saw a mountain. I didn’t know it was there before… I blushed in shame realizing my ignorance.

Well, that’s enough of that. Time to get back to work. I checked for my manuscript inside the word processor to confirm that it is saved. Next, I checked the first twenty printed pages of my physical manuscript. Yosh, all good and set. “Now I shall hand over my fate to luck,” I sighed.

If it gets rejected, it would be all over.

Like a stroke of bad luck, or that I have jinxed myself, I saw something that would quicken the arrival of my unfortunate fate or would end my pitiful life full of suffering.

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