The beginning

In the beginning there was a girl but didn’t feel like it. We’ll call her Crystal. She liked all the things the boy liked but whenever she tried to play with him she was shunned. “You’re a girl. You can’t do things that boys do, that’s weird. Why can’t you be like all the other girls.” Constantly picking on her and shunning her for being who she is. She constantly wondered why she was born the way she was and wished she had been born a boy. She sometimes wished she didn’t like to rough house or play football. She wanted to like playing dress up and having tea parties but that just wasn’t her. She thought that anything she enjoys shouldn’t have a label on gender; she should just be able to enjoy it. 

Her parents did understand her either. Constantly nagging about the fact that she likes loose clothing and doesn't like makeup. How she would rather rough house with her brother than play dolls with her sisters. As she got older her and her parents would get into fights over her appearance. She was called a tomboy and told she needed to be more girly. She had actually attempted it as she got older and started to mature. She would bug her parents about getting training bras because her younger sisters had already started wearing them while she was still flat. She was made fun of for not maturing as fast as them. She started shaving to try and look more femine. Tried learning how to wear makeup and would even wear dresses and dress shoes. All so she could feel like she was fitting in. 

No one seemed to care to ask if doing so made her happy. At first she thought it did. Especially when she finally started to develop more femine features after years of being teased for not having any. There was always a part of her that hated it. She hated being a female and felt like her body was wrong but she didn’t know that there was any other way to identify herself. She felt like an oddball. Like there was no one else in the world that could feel the same way she did. She hated herself. She hated the way she looked so femine when all she wanted….was to be a boy but that wasn’t possible. At least that’s what she had thought for the longest time. Constantly hating her name and her pronouns. Wishing for something different but not knowing how she could be anything other than a girl.

Everything changed the day she found out about social media. She stumbled upon people who identified as non-binary, genderfluid, and trans. She was curious as to what it all meant so she decided to do some research of her own. She denied that any of it could possibly be her over the fear of what might happen if she did accept it. Would she get into trouble? Would her parents disown her? Would they kick her out? What would happen to her if she accepted that she was anything other than a cis female? Thinking about it was scary enough. Not a lot of people have the courage to come out to loved ones or friends. She had read and heard stories of people coming out. It was like a gamble. Some stories were horrible, while some had a happy ending. It didn’t mean that she herself could get one. Not with the closed minded parents she had. Right?

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