Dear Diary

*Dear Diary*

Hey! How are you?

I am doing fine.

I know this sound’s crazy, not crazy but INSANE! Me writing this, when I swore to God never to write a dear diary moment since the day my catholic parents found out about my boyfriend and how I smoke sometimes when I am stressed and how my best friend Kate made fun of me for writing every single detail of my day to dig my own grave.

Stupid me. Just stupid me. And to make it worse, I decided to resort on this method of letting things out of my chest since Kate’s not here. Hah! If only she was here, I would’ve cried, shouted and screamed at how much of a mess my life is now.

I don’t know what I am feeling? Or how should I handle myself in this situation. It’s not like it’s the end of the world but it isn’t the start of any beautiful journey either. Since Dad left us for some other women who he describes her as her ‘other half’ or his ‘lost soulmate’ I don’t care any more now. It’s been 3 years since he married her and left mom in a total devastated state.

And here I am missing him right now. I wish I could talk to him but we decided to not interfere in his new life with his new wife and their 3-year-old kid, Jason.

I miss him. And how he used to dot on me. We both never had our father daughter moment. I don’t have a much of a happy memory with him, but now all the dotting is given to Jason and all the love of my father is given to him. Lucky Jason.

Anyways, what I wanted to tell was tomorrow is the wedding of my mother with her new husband John. The guy who she met when she was totally drunk and cursing her ex-husband in some bar with her friends. I don’t know how these things work.

How could John find my mother beautiful in her drunken state. I mean look at the women, I know she’s beautiful and polite and gentle but she was drunk when she puked on him. What part of her make him fell in love with her at the first sight?

Her puke?

Her cursing for her ex-husband?

Men and women in their mid-40’s are crazy. I mean I am happy for her and everything but I am scared now. I am scared that there will be no picture of dad with her but instead John will be there in all those pictures now.

Oh Kate! I miss her too. I miss a lot of people today. Now that I think, me and Shawn are life those kids who have parents but they both are married to someone else but they still are parents. We have 4 parents now. Although others are half but I still consider them my parents both. Tasha, Dad’s new wife and John, mother’s new husband.

I felt a chill down my spine thinking it like that. Ugh! It’s annoying but can’t do a shit about it.

I don’t know how Shawn is taking all in. When Dad married Tasha, Shawn flipped out and screamed at him saying how wrong he did to us. In his eyes, Dad was an adulterer who made our mom’s life a living hell.

I can agree on that with him.

Dad was never involved with us as much as he is now with Jason. We are not on bad terms with him and it’s not like he’ll be not there tomorrow at her ex-wife’s wedding.

My mother, after divorce became a bad bitch while she hung out with some of her single, divorced or widowed co-workers/ friends who advised her to invite her ex-husband to her marriage and what shocked me more was how John was much more excited to meet the man who left his ‘goddess like lady for him’ that’s right, that were the exact same words he said to us when we were dining at Chang’s.

Shawn was opposed of it but Mom convinced him with her motherly tears and he fell for it. Poor baby, has a weak heart for his mother after what she’s been through.

I feel like I am writing too much. If it isn’t my anxiety writing, I don’t know what it is. If only Kate was here. We would’ve watch something funny to make my heightened nerves down. All she would’ve said,

“Calm down dude! It’s not your wedding. It’s your Mom’s. Just look at the lady, will you? She’s the one who has a big day, why you’re having your *** on fire? Chill.” And her words would’ve been enough for me to calm.

**** it. Just **** it. Whatever happens tomorrow, I’ll see it tomorrow right now I’ll just go to bed and listen to some music to divert my mind.

Everything will be fine tomorrow.

*Goodbye*

I close my dairy and inhale a deep breath while sitting only to let the heavy sigh which I was carrying inside. I put my face in my hand and let a scream escape my mouth to make me feel better. I brush my hands against my face to clear the sweat drops forming on my face.

My throat parches due to the scream and I was thirsty with all the writing and letting out my feels, so I stand up from my chair and walk towards my bed where my water bottle is lying. I pick up the bottle and gulp down the water like it was nothing. I never knew writing could make me that much thirsty.

I text Kate in hope that she might reply me but all my hope jumps out of the window when her text didn’t even show double ticks. I frustratedly growled and put my phone on the night stand.

I look at the watch and it signals 11.00 P.M.

“Shit! I am going to be late tomorrow.” I rush towards bathroom for a quick bath before sleeping and in no time, I came out of the bathroom and went straight to my bed throwing my towel on the chair without drying it.

As soon as my back hits the soft mattress of my bed, my eyes start to feel heavy and I soon fell myself falling in deep slumber.

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