A Goodbye Letter

...This is not a story ...

...This is not just something for people to enjoy...

...It's just my way of saying goodbye...

...I'll start this off by saying I love you and I'm so sorry I never said that back. You always said that one day you'll be gone and I'll regret not saying it back and I really do. I'm so sorry that you were always in pain I'm sorry that you weren't happy I'm sorry I wasn't the best I could've been and still isn't. I have so many memories of you and it pisses me off that several of them are me hating you because I couldn't understand what you were going thru. If I woke up crying with a headache or a nightmare or if I felt sick, had a panic attack, if anything happened you were always there making it better. It hurt when grandaddy died for me but for you it was so much worse, it broke me so I can't even begin to imagine how you felt. He was your father, he was part of the Navy which means you grew up with him being strong and you had to watch him slowly wither away I just had the older him. All of my friends moms were so different that it almost made me angry but the truth is everyone's different from us because they haven't been thru what we have, if they did they wouldn't be the same. I was upset that you weren't able to get up and teach me things, we weren't able to make any more memories and it's frustrating. We always talked about when I was older and became a really good writer or graphic designer and being able to buy you, dad, and me a big piece of land, you guys being able to have your own house not having to worry about ever being kicked out, you always wanted a mini pig and I wanted to buy you one. If only you could've stayed till then I would've paid I don't care how much In order to get you a really good doctor that could've gotten you out of pain I remember planning it I was gonna surprise you on a birthday with it but that can't happen now. Dad always told me to be realistic when it came to writing or art but you always said I could do it and guess what? I'm doing it and I'm never going to quit it. I wish could've heard you playing your saxophone everyone who's heard you play it say you were really good at it. I'm really bad when it comes to emotions and socializing which you noticed and you said I might've been autistic and you were right, your always right. Emotions are so confusing to me, sometimes I'll feel an emotion way to intense for what's happening and other times I'll barely feel what I'm supposed to it does make it hard to write characters emotions because of it so I'm pretty sure that'll always be a weak point meaning I'll never be as popular as you thought I'd become and for that I'm sorry. I was always able to tell you pretty much everything even whenever I told you I had alcohol you didn't get mad you just told me not drink everyday and always drink in a familiar place with people I trust. I have a million things going thru my head right now that I want to say that I just can't figure out how to write I wanna talk about memories I wanna talk about how badly I fucked up I wanna talk what's happened since then I wanna talk about how much I miss you I wanna talk about what I would do if you were still here and I wanna talk about things that I don't even know about. I can't believe it's been a year I still go into the living room to say stuff to you just to remember that your not here anymore. I don't actually think it's clicked to me yet and I don't think it ever will. It's so hard to actually understand what it means for someone to not be in your life anymore and there being no possible way for them to come back into it. It's so hard to do better even tho I want to, I really want to get better I do but I don't know how to or I do and I just don't want to I don't know I don't understand anything nothing makes sense to me. I understand the way life works we get made just to either **** things up or make them better and then just die. Sometimes I just think the only people who matter are the ones who change things and everyone else is just nothing. I think that's why I like space so much or writing so much. Stars don't change people's lives even tho you can see them every night but the sad part is all your seeing is a dead light hoping to be seen but it's to late by the time it happens to actually be completely recognized for what's happening. I don't believe in a God because if I did it would piss me off so damn much because he's one sadistic asshole but I do believe that souls are energy they are our energy like the light to star so it lives and tries to be seen it shines as bright as it can but even when it's dying people don't pay attention to it unless it's very important like the sun that's a star it's a famous star you could point to it and ask anyone what it is and they would tell you but if you point to a different star it's just a star that's it nothing else, just like people only the important ones are seen while the rest die forgotten only seen by a few people who know how pretty it was. This world is a weird place and I'll never be able to understand it anything beautiful can hurt you anything ugly can love you anything seen can vanish anything unseen can be visible anything good can be bad anything bad can be good it doesn't make any sense its so confusing. I wish you were here to be able to explain it. You believed in God and heaven, you believed in ghost so I feel like I have to say if you are still with me or dad as a spirt trying to protect us or just be seen you don't have to, we both want you to go be happy so go be with grandaddy go be with your short grandma that is probably the reason I'm so short go be with any friends or family you've lost and one day we will join you until then think of all the things you wanna do with us when we get up there and you better be there when dad dies to tell him it's okay and that it's not his fault. Oh and remember how Bellas pregnant? well she had her baby and it's a baby girl named Everleigh she's a pretty cute baby and I think baby's look weird, you would've loved her. There's more that I could say but I think I'm going to stop I've been crying for 3 hours and I think I need to go spend time with dad who's been working really hard on a video for you it'll be on your Facebook and probably my tiktok if you want to watch it....

...I love you...

...Happy Birthday ...

...I'm Sorry...

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