IM SORRY I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE

tuesday november5 2021

7:58pm

although he was there i wasnt, i felt really sorry for him i jus t hope that he would find the perfect one forhim my consciousness cant handle it so i did the impossible

i texted him saying i wanna break up i thought that doing this was for the better but it was not better for me

a few hours later..... i got a respond a respond which i could feel,a resonse that made me tear up,a esponse i wasnt ready for

he replied.... was i never enough,was i ugly, is this a prank pleasee tell me iwant to know

as i replied.. theres nothing wrong just please remember that your a very special and important person to me, please find a girl who has time for you who wold make you feel very special love her just the way you love me fulfill her dreams with you never ever forget me. please promise

he replied i promise

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now that was the day my depression started i chose this to happen i havent cried like this in a while..

wednesday november 10 2021

4:23 am

i lose 1kg from just crying and eating less but i knew that he wouldn't be happy if i didn't eat anything

december 3 2021

2:58 pm

i was doing good i've had enough of crying but there was family problems so all i could hear was shouting i never ever heard it in years

in all of that i was sick of it i jus ant to rest my ears and stop crying i was traumatized as a 15 year old i never got this far but i just want to rest

so i went to the bathroom i got a knife and i well i thinked about for some time while the knife was getting closer to my wrist i saw something unexplainable it was God (you can believe me if you like but i saw what i saw) i promised that i would stop all the suicidal thinking and i also promised that i would share the gospel the last thing i remember a scar on my wrist and in a ambulance

december 5 2021

5:06am

i woke up early today to find out there has been some texts from last night my scar wasn't healed yet but i knew that i had to be healthy

the mesages were a conversation between him and me i couldn't remember i had a mental block i didn't knew why but the feelings were all coming back to me

and... i found out that he worshipped God he can't love anymore until he finds a disciple i was devastated to hear the news but i was happy for him that he was able to move on an find freedom i knew that it would take years to do that so i just became quiet

i started being a vegetarian and found peace already i was off to a new start

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