Depression

Explaining my depression to my mother

Explaining my depression to my mother, A CONVERSATION

Mom my depression is a shapeshifter one day it's a small as a firefly in the palm of a bear The Next it's the BEAR on those days i play dead until the bear leaves me alone

I call the bad days "The dark days"

Mom says "Try lighting candles" but when I see a candle, I see the flesh of a church

the flicker of a flame sparks of a memory younger then noon I am standing beside her open casket it is the moment I learn every person i ever came to know will someday DIE!

Besides mom I'm not afraid of the dark perhaps that's part of the problem

Mom says " I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed" I CAN'T!!

I can't, anxiety holds me a hostage inside....

of my house, inside of my head

Mom says " Where did anxiety come from?"

Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to invite to the party MOM, I AM THE PARTY!!!

Only I am a party i don't want to be at!

Mom says "why don't you try going to actual parties... see your friends"

Sure i make plans,

I make plans, but i don't wanna go

I make plans because I know i should want to go; i know... sometimes I would have wanted to go

It's just not that fun having fun when you don't want to have fun, Mom