May you have peace in all the years to come

My entire body felt sore as I dragged my suitcase from the airport lounge to the parking lot. "Phew", I cannot help but feel relieved, this business trip was exhausting. Normally when I go on business trips for several days in a month, it was still bearable but this time the customer was very hard to satisfy, so it took more energy and effort than expected.

But fortunately, my team wasn't one to back down, I looked at the exhausted faces of my co-workers, "Thanks a lot for all the effort. Let's take a couple of days off. Go home early for rest"

Well even if I was branded as the most cold and aloof superior in our office, I try to be as amicable as possible but well, it never worked. I am bad at socializing and I've already come to terms with that part of myself.

On the way to the parking lot, I was already thinking about how to spend the couple of days off. Well, there was so much to do. My favorite idol's new drama just released, and I'm already dying to watch it. But there's also my favorite players' game in those 2 days which I can't miss. Added to that was the instinct to just start reading a new book or keeping up with a LOL tournament.

If someone got tired from having too many hobbies, it should be me. Maybe, I should just sleep ba~

As I glanced at the date and time, my mood subconsciously turned a little gloomy, it wasn't exactly sad nor did it felt depressing, it was just a feeling of loneliness. Well, for a person who loved to be alone this sort of loneliness itself felt like irony. It was that date of the year again.

I closed my eyes. It has been so many years and I have also moved on but whenever the date points to this date, it would inevitably bring back the memories of the past.

The past that I no longer had any desire or longing for nor did I want to keep it as a secret for eternity, it was just another phase of life which I didn't think I should mention.

I walked through the crowd, as always unnoticed by anyone around me - before I bumped into a stranger. Walking while looking at the phone is really not a good idea! I cursed myself in my heart before uttering a single word without looking at the person before me - Sorry!

But it felt impolite so I couldn't help but look up at the person before me.

Thunder roared in my head and for a moment everything around me felt blank. As if I had no sense of time as if the time froze that moment, all I had in my eyes was the person before me.

My legs went weak and heart thumped loudly, my hands shivered in a panic not knowing what to say or do next.

He was no better. His eyes were still in a state of confusion and shock as he was clumsily trying to keep his hand on his suitcase, not exactly knowing where to put it.

Neither of us even tried to open our mouth.

"When I finally meet you, I'm sure I will jump into your arms and never let go", I recalled myself typing out vigorously.

"I'm afraid that won't be the case with me, I would be too nervous to even look into your eyes, my legs will probably go weak and I might be a sobbing mess", my eyes cuved as I read the reply that almost came in an instant.

But neither of us reacted the way which we expected because we no longer met in the situation which we fantasized about.

Those words that were said, afterall was a phase that I considered I have already moved on from. It shouldn't hurt me this way, I was so sure about it, before today.

The person before me was the one I dated online for 2 years and we broke up couple of years back. It wasn't a nasty breakup, we just realised we can't make it work and decided to let go. In some sense, it carried a melancholy and I have always never loathed the fact that he was my first love.

In fact, I have been thankful to this person for making me realise what it means to be in love with a person. Though I've always felt my love was inferior to his, I tried my best, and I knew that, but maybe, I failed to let him know that.

Every breakup came with regret. My only regret in my first love was that I never let him know what he meant to me, I never told him how special he was to me.

But, time never freezes, it never waits for anyone, neither for two people. It was all but just a fleeting moment. Both of us knew we no longer were who we were or who we wanted to be.

The person standing by his side was a proof. She was holding one of his fidgeting hands, she was elegant, graceful, with a smile on her face and looked approachable - someone who was the complete contrast of me.

Maybe this is what brought our relationship to the end. I would never be who she is. A sense of inferiority hit me even though I never knew her. Maybe she will hold onto his hands, watch movies on the weekend but he never liked watching movies - he liked anime and sports much like I do but maybe he will watch the cliche romance movie with her or she might watch what he prefers with him while snuggling in his embrace. Every morning she might wake up early, still wearing his shirt, to cook for him as he plants kisses in her neckline telling her how much he loves her - just like we fantasized how our mornings to be but maybe they would have their own way of loving each other but none of it was my concern anymore.

The person before me no longer belonged to me from 2 years ago.

Suddenly the young lady's voice brought me back to earth, "Do you both know each other?"

Fuxk! I cursed in my heart! Her voice was really pleasant to hear. Even if it was I in his place, I would definitely choose her over me! But, before he responded I immediately replied, "No. Sorry about earlier. Gotta go"

With that I immediately gripped my suitcase and dragged it past him while muttering in the lowest voice possible - Happy Birthday.

I am 100% sure that he wouldn't have heard me. My voice drowned amidst the heavy chatter in the airport, the clinking wheels of suitcases being dragged and soft cries of family sending off their loved ones on a long journey.

But unbeknownst to me, the person who I just crossed, stopped in his tracks one more time to look back at me, and mouthed - Thank you.

He did hear it.

He always heard it.

He always understood my heart.

Maybe it was also the reason he decided to let go.

Maybe he realised what I had for him was not love and was just a dependence and infatuation born out of not having anyone who genuinely wanted me before.

Maybe he was afraid that once I realised it in future, I might regret our relationship.

He always thought for both of us, so much so that it ended the way it did.

Maybe even he didn't realise, being in love doesn't require too much questioning about the future. As long as two people genuinely want to stay together, they might figure out how to fall in love.

I walked past him but I never moved on from the gentle gaze he had in his eyes once the initial confusion and shock left him.

Maybe that was the only encounter in our lives, if I sleep the day away, I would be too busy with choosing what to do over the holidays that I would end up burying this encounter to the phase that already passed.

But right now, I cannot fool myself.

I wanted to cry.

It could've worked, if I was little more courageous.

I took a deep breath deciding not to think about it anymore.

I always thought I've moved on but only today, when it was his special day and I looked into his eyes that I realised how tough it is to actually let ago while facing that person who I never saw before falling in love with him hopelessly.

But I cannot help but utter in my heart - I thank the heavens and Gods that today exist and you graced upon earth. I'm thankful for your existence. May you have peace in all the years to come.

While returning home, I took a taxi and let the gentle breeze pass by my face returning clarity to my mind, the tingling feeling got buried into the abyss of my heart, never to be digged open again.

Today's chance encounter was beautiful, but that was all it was. Just like our encounter four years ago. A beautiful yet fleeting dream.

That moment, I realised the meaning behind his gaze when I looked at the lady holding his hands.

That gaze said, "Though you are not mine, it wasn't because you weren't as good as the person next to me, it was because I wasn't destined to be the person next to you. I'm always thankful that you are my first love. I would always be jealous of the wind that could carress your face forever and the moon that watches over you every night. Goodbye, my love, this is our perfect ending"

He understood.

He always did.

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