chapter 1

SEPTEMBER 13 , 1:32 AM

"Jeongguk, I really don't think this is a good idea," Yoongi sighs, folding and packing a shirt which he recognizes as Taehyung's.

They're both on their knees, trying to pack anything deemed necessary in a suitcase laying on the floor.

"You think everything I do is a bad idea," Jeongguk responds. He opens his mouth and closes it again, as if he's deciding whether to say something else or just leave it at that.

He takes a breath, continues, "I want to move on, hyung. I want to heal. I'm tired of feeling like this." Yoongi looks up and notices the younger's eyes become glossy with tears.

He drops the article of clothing in his hands and reaches out to hold Jeongguk's hand, giving it a light squeeze.

"Just... please, please take care, Jeongguk. Don't do anything stupid," Yoongi says finally, "I'll take you."

"Don't worry about me, hyung. I'll be fine," Jeongguk offers him a small smile.

-

The ride to the train station is all but quiet. They pick up some snacks from a nearby gas station and sing along to whatever song plays on the radio. As they're talking, Jeongguk can hear the faint lyrics to a song that reminds him of a certain boy with honey skin and stars in his eyes. He lowers the volume and starts speaking louder.

Jeongguk's heart feels heavy and he's not sure if it's because they're getting closer to the train station or because he knows that this indicates the end of an era. 

Could it be something else?

-

"Goodbye, Jeongguk. We all love you. Don't ever forget that."

"And I love you guys back."

-

In all honesty, Jeongguk doesn't know why he's leaving Seoul. Moreover, Jeongguk has absolutely no idea why he's going to Daegu, out of all places. His mind tells him that it's because Daegu is calm, peaceful. And if the tug at his heart is telling him it's for a completely different reason, he ignores it.

He settles in a seat at the very corner and tries to make himself as comfortable as he possibly can, which isn't much considering how tiny the train seats are.

Jeongguk thinks about an awful lot of things while on the train. His head feels like it'll explode if he doesn't stop thinking so much, but he just can't bring himself to do so.

He thinks about his hyungs and how they'll be worried sick, left without a single clue as to where he's gone. A pang of guilt hits him at the thought and he hopes that maybe Yoongi will break his promise and tell them of his whereabouts, but knowing him, he probably won't.

He thinks of the song that was playing in the car and searches up the one line he remembers. If You. As he listens, he starts to think of Taehyung. God, how he misses Taehyung.

He wonders if Taehyung's moved on. If he misses Jeongguk as much as Jeongguk misses him. He'll never know.

He imagines a set of arms that aren't his own wrapped around Taehyung's figure and it starts a fire in him. It's selfish, he knows this, but he can't help it.

Taehyung never gave him a clear explanation as to why he was leaving, which left Jeongguk drowning in a sea of doubt and a million possible reasons for his departure.

Jeongguk turns on his phone, checking the time. 2:35 AM. He's been here for 15 minutes, yet it feels like it's been hours, weeks, an eternity. He kind of wishes he had chosen a different section to sit, maybe one with more people, although he's sure there's very few riding the train this early.

He also wishes Taehyung was next to him, holding his hand. And that he could go back in time and tell him how much he loves him just one last time. But no matter the amount of wishing and hoping he does, Taehyung is not his anymore. Not in this lifetime.

He's only allowed to have Taehyung at night, when the rest of Seoul is fast asleep and he's able to wander to a part of his mind that contains a time of uninterrupted ecstasy. His memories carry everything from the most important highlights of their relationship to the most minuscule details. And even though Taehyung only belongs to him in memories, it's just enough for Jeongguk.

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