Chapter 1 : The Beginning

(October 1962)

It was a dark October evening when my father passed away and we are gathered at the graveyard witnessing his final moment.

Distant thunder sounds can be heard signaling a heavy downpour. Dark clouds are scattered on a once clear blue sky.

While looking down at the hole where my father's coffin is slowly being lowered, I can't help but silently cry. I looked at my mom and noticed that she is struggling to hold back a tear as well.

Few friends and family members are gathered at this melancholic event. Not long after, my mom touched my shoulder and whispered,

"Sweetie, it's over. Let's go home."

Walking back to where our car was parked, an unfamiliar man is standing beside it. He's wearing a dark suit jacket and a bowler hat. Soon after, his lips move to say something.

The sound of water pouring into our umbrella makes it so hard for me to hear what the man has said to me. And then, from a distance I saw another person looking at a crowd.

He is hiding behind a tree standing far from the horde of people leaving the cemetery. The man is wearing some long black coat and is holding a black umbrella. As if he can feel my intense curious gaze, he look towards my direction that made me quite uncomfortable.

A sudden touch startled me. “Lorraine?”

My mother softly called my name as she touched my shoulder. I looked at the man standing in front of me as he abruptly smiled and he turns his attention towards my mother. I stole a swift glance to check if my mother knew the man and based on her timid smile, it seems that they've known each other a while back.

A strange feeling crept through my mind but I chose to dismiss it thinking it might be someone she's acquainted with at work.

As I look at the uncanny gazes of the people behind our back, I unconsciously grab mother’s hand.

She opened the door of our car and asked me to get in and instructed me to sit on the passenger’s area. My mother hurriedly hop into the car as the man wave us goodbye and walk past the people murmuring nearby. Days passed by until it became a month.

It was a cold winter night when my mother brought the same man we met during father’s interment. She introduced him as Tommy – my new father. I was bewildered at first; it's only a month since my father left us. The house is still being organized and father's belonging are still being stored at the attic. It's only a month!

A splurge of anger rushes through me as I looked at them holding each others hands while I stood there feeling the world is slowly crumbling down.

"It... it's only been a month since father left us..." I said in such a fragile hesitant voice. Mother's eyes dropped down.

"Sweetie..." She paused for a moment and then she said,

"Dad will never come back. We have to move on and start a new life." Her sad expression is discernable.

She looks at Tommy. "Tom here is a great guy. He promised me that he will take care of us. He is kind and lovable. Just give him a chance and I'm sure you will like him too." She displays a sweet smile.

I wished at that moment, my eight years old self could yell at my mom and asked her how long she has been doing this. Was it on the day of my father's burial? Or is it way before that? Is she cheating on him while father's lying on the hospital's bed struggling and fighting for his life?

But to my dismay, no words came out of my mouth. I can only feel the resentment and disappointment at my mother. And instinctively, it's as if she could feel what I'm feeling right now, she bent down and hug me. I felt something wet around my shoulder.

She's crying. "I'm sorry. I’m sorry Lorraine."

She kept uttering these words. I look at Tommy and see nothing in his eyes. Not even a fraction of empathy.

I couldn't hug my mom back. I was afraid that all my thoughts will slip out and may hurt her in the process. Yet, the emotion that is building up inside me is too overwhelming that I don't think I could contain anymore, and then it erupted.

"Mom… how could you do this to father?" I was shocked at my own words but this question needed an answer. I wanted to know how could someone do this to the person they're supposed to love. Just how?!

"Dad has been good to us. You were both happy. I have never seen you quarrel. You were happy mom. We were happy!"

I couldn't control my tears anymore. I was shaking like a fool waiting for the confirmation that I already know of. My mother seems to be at loss for words and then Tommy stepped in.

"You're still a child so you wouldn't know but there are things adults do that we can't explain to younger kids. I hope you can understand and forgive your mom. Things happen and what we should do is to accept it and move on -"

"Shut up!"

I shouted haltering his words. I don't want to hear any excuses especially from this person who is an outsider in our life.

"I-I am asking my mom and not you. You will never be my dad not on your wildest dream!" Slap! I felt the stinging pain on my cheeks. Mom has slapped me. I tried to hold back a tear but my effort was meaningless. She slapped me because of that one man.

Moments later, as if she was shocked by what she had done, she impulsively hugs me. I pushed her and run towards my room. I cried and cried until I bawled my eyes out. As times continued to run, the anger turned into disappointment, and my disappointment turned into hatred.

At that time, I promised myself that I will never be like my mother and I will never forgive her, not in this lifetime.

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