Closer

What did you do to me? Only a single glance from you made my heart melt, a simple smile made me dying. But, it's torture that I couldn't get closer to you. My fear of rejection made me look like a coward and so weak in front of you. And as the coward I was, I decided to just keep silent. All I want is just to get closer.

Aoi fluttered his eyes open, and found himself lying in a comfortable king-sized bed that wasn't his. Slowly he sat, ignoring the dizziness in his head. He tried to re-call what's happened before. The moment when he's standing on the stage with all the Gazette members, the screams and shouts from the crowd that's their fans, how they head-banged following the music they're playing in the live house still fresh in his mind. He was playing his guitar, pouring his feelings through every single brush of its strings. He always enjoys every moment where he's on stage. Except for one thing.

He suddenly felt the pit of his stomach twist oddly, his eyes watered from tears that poured slowly, from when the moment he remembered of his vocalist and guitarist grinding each others hips together playing like a movie in his mind. The way they were enjoying every friction, how they exchanged smirks, made sensual almost every erotic gesture for the crowd to watch. He remembered how his spirit had crashed down before, the screaming and shouting fans only made him even worse. Not that he was disturbed because his vocalist and guitarist stole all the fans attention. He loves attention, yes. He always acts like a stage-***** to gain all the people's attention. But what bothered him was, there, the tall blonde guitarist, Uruha, seemed to enjoy every passing moment he had with the vocalist. Grinning ear to ear  in every concert, played along with the vocalist's teases. That's only for fanservice's sake, he could understand. But, that's different if he was the one who insists. Uruha would always avoid him when he tried to get closer, the taller would stay away, ignore him or made excuses just to leave. That has hurt him so much. Not that he's irritated that there's people who reject him, that his pride is being humiliated. But, that's because, truthfully Aoi has had feelings towards Uruha that he has kept hidden for years now.

He raised his palms to cover the falling tears, preventing  that salty water from pouring more. Now, he remembers clearly why he's here. He must be in the hotel room which had been rented for them to take rest. After the live was over, all the Gazette members including the staffs were ready to go to the party that they had already arranged, like usual. But, when he went backstage, he felt dizzy, and his vision got blurry. His body felt so weak. He had tried to stand straight on his feet, but the dizziness just got too great, and then he saw only darkness, and he fainted. Last thing he saw, before his body hit the floor,  in his blurry vision, was that a honey-blonde held him, protected him from the fall.

ΘΘΘΘΘΘΘ

The door of the hotel room opens gently, and shows a tall honey blond guy bringing a tray with a bowl of soup and a glass of orange juice steps inside slowly towards Aoi's direction.

"Aoi, I brought a meal for you. Do you feel any better?" Uruha asked as he placed the tray on the bedside table carefully so as not to spill the contents on the tray. He's confused, eyeing the raven who's covering his face with his palms. Still receiving no answer, he takes a seat beside Aoi, and removes Aoi's palms only to be shocked and worried to see that face soaked with tears. His eyes were all red, although it was not enough to ruin the natural beauty.

"Aoi, are you crying?" he asked the most obvious thing because he doesn't know what else to say. He always was the worst person in comfort, he just doesn't know how to say comforting words. Besides, he's surely already seen all of  Aoi's expressions. But that one.

"Aoi, the paramedic said that you're too tired and restless, are you working too hard? Is there something bothering you?" he asked worriedly.

" Aoi, are you hurt? You know you can always tell me .... everything." Uruha squeeze Aoi's palm, hoping to make the other answer him.

'Are you hurt?'

'...can always tell me everything .'

Uruha's words keep echoing in his skull over and over.

'HURT' he said? Of course Aoi's hurt. To know the one he loves will never see him the way he does and is closer to everybody but him. Despite the fact they're guitar partners, Uruha spends little time with him. Aoi doesn't care if the they just talk about their music, the band or how's the weather going, just simple talk as long as Uruha is keeping him company, aware of Aoi's presence. But, Uruha only talks to him when there's very important things that needed to be discussed. At first he thought maybe that's because of the difference of their ages, maybe Uruha just respected him because he's older. But no, he's sure now that the other keeps him at a distance besides music, avoids him every moment not because of that simple reason. And, maybe Uruha  HATES HIM. And if that's what Uruha means by HURT, then yes, he's HURT. And  'Can tell Uruha everything?' About his true feelings? He almost laughs about that idea. How could he tell him that he loves him when he certainly hates him? He's sure Uruha would regret what he said if he did, when he found out Aoi's true feelings.

At the beginning, Aoi was just enchanted by Uruha's ability in guitar playing and his beauty. And he was proud he could be in a team with a person as gorgeous as him. They made music together, and their guitar playing was synchronized, balanced. Many melodies have been created. But as time goes by, his feelings became stronger. He felt so envy knowing the fact that Reita, the bassist was Uruha's childhood friend, and that he had spent more time together with Uruha than him in the past. That he knows every little thing about Uruha's behavior.  And Uruha's closeness with Ruki nowadays only made him worse. Uruha prefer Ruki's company to shopping, watching movies, walking around town, even about room-sharing. When Uruha needs some advice, he'll ask Kai. Never once has he come to Aoi. And those made him sad. To be ignored by Uruha. And slowly he understands those feelings, that's a part of love, jealously.

At first, he denied it. How could he fall in love with his bandmate, more importantly someone with the same gender as him? There's still many pretty cute girls out there who'll willingly throw themselves at him, he's sure. Why must it be Uruha? His partner guitarist who's barely spent time with him?

But, a complement from Uruha made his heart flutter, Uruha's simple smile burned his feeling, a simple glance made him do a  victory dance the rest of the day. And only that certain honey-blonde that's able to do that. When he realized and admitted that, he's aware that they've become so far.

Every night he thinks about Uruha. How Uruha's act hurt him. How their distance makes him sick. How the other hates him. He couldn't do anything properly, everything he does becomes a mess.  Then he felt disgusted by himself. A knife beneath his pillow was his only  company. Whenever he feels down, hatred toward himself, he'll lift that knife, made some cuts on his wrist, watching blood crawling slowly, tainting the white sheet beneath him. Feeling stinging pains come slowly, find some relief between pains. He'll stop when he's exhausted, couldn't open his eyes any longer and drift in to sleep never bothered to clean the mess before. Only tortured by nightmares about Uruha saying clearly that he hates Aoi and leaves him. Always was the same nightmare. He'll regret when the morning is come, when his wrist feels so sore. While disinfectant meets his skin surface. when he tries to move his hands. But, when the night comes, he'll do that same thing over and over again. Re-opens unhealed wounds to make them worse.

He winced in pain when Uruha's hand traveled up on his forearm. Realizing the other's reaction, Uruha hurriedly freed Aoi's hand. Anxiously, he lifts Aoi's long sleeve without excuse. He gasps in shock when he sees the  many red scars beneath. The still wet scars prove that they're new. He stares deep in to Aoi's eyes, searching any answer for 'where's those scars come from'. Lately, Aoi indeed was always wearing long-sleeves even in concerts. He prefers to wear that type of costumes. When the others asked him for the reason, he'll answer that's for a trend. So the others let it pass. Now, Uruha knows. But Why?

Without further ado, he pulls Aoi's lithe form in his embrace, hugs him tightly like he would lose the raven for any moment sooner. Aoi's shaking body got tensed for a moment, only making Uruha hug him even tighter. "Aoi, Aoi, Aoi." Only those words come from Uruha's mouth in almost a whisper. He really doesn't know what else to do. He knows Aoi's hurt now, that Aoi's problem is too much to handle by only Aoi himself. But is that bad enough to create such a wound? To hurt himself?

His hand moves up and down in a soothing manner. The raven hasn't spoken a word yet. And to makes the situation even worse, he cannot do anything. Uruha feels like he's worthless. That's why he hates crying people, sad people. He couldn't just say that 'everything's going to be alright' like others do. Because, how could 'something' be alright if someone didn't solve the 'problem'? That's all lies.

"D-Don't-L-eave..me..." Aoi's voice came hoarse. His first voice when his cry subsided. Uruha's hands stop moving. Body tensed as he heard Aoi's words and again confusion filling his mind. They remain silent. A theory popped up in Uruha's mind.

'Was Aoi hurt because of him ?'

That could be, because, after Aoi said those words, Aoi tightened his grip around Uruha's waist. He could feel that Aoi is scared.

"Sssshhh, I won't, I won't. I am here, see?" he said. Hopes it could calm the other down. Aoi's sobs get louder, he's sure the others throat was sore now.

"Oh, Aoi. What happened? You know you can tell me?"

"J-just..D-don't...Le...Le-ave me.." Aoi keeps repeating those words, and Uruha keeps trying to assure him that he won't. Stroking Aoi's hair since that's the only thing he  can do.

"Aoi, you need to eat, the doctor said, you're not eating properly but keep working hard lately. Now, let's eat, okay? I already prepared dinner for—" Uruha's sentence was cut by tiny kisses on his neck. He then jerked Aoi's body away when the other bit his earlobe hard enough.

He covered his right earlobe where Aoi has just bit, staring at the raven who stared at him back in disbelief. 'Did Aoi just do what he did to him?'

"I – I love you – Uru.." Aoi stuttered, breaking eye contact, and buried his face on his knees, hiding from the possibilities of anger or disgust by Uruha. Now, Uruha knows, and was very sure that all about Aoi's cuts and restless nights, Aoi's become so weak and Aoi's tears was because of him. He's the cause.

Hesitantly, Uruha lifts Aoi's head. Searching for any sign that the other is just joking with him. But only met seriousness and a broken heart there. 'Oh my god, what have I done?' he thought.

"Oh my God. Are you serious?" asked Uruha, Aoi only nodded after a moment of silence.

"Are these scars caused by me? Did you do cut your wrist because thinking of me? Did you stop eating properly because of me? DID I HURT YOU?" Uruha said in one breath, he grips Aoi's wrist tightly. Ignoring Aoi's pained expression because Uruha squeezed his injured hand too hard.

"Tell me Aoi, TELL ME!!" Aoi is sobbing louder now as shook his head slowly, scared of Uruha's almost screamed sentence.

"WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCKING TELL ME?!" Aoi sees there's glistening tears on each corner of Uruha's eyes. Slowly falling in tiny beads then pouring like his. Then Uruha embraced him.

"why didn't you just tell me? why did you torture yourself? Why Aoi? Why?" Uruha voice out between his sob. His voice muffled by Aoi's shoulder.

"'...I was ... scared." Comes Aoi's simple reply.

"I was scared that you would- you would hat-hate me and, and leave me .." he feels so weak now. First he fainted before, no doubt Uruha saw him. Because although he couldn't see properly, he was sure that it was Uruha who supported his body. Not Reita nor Ruki, although they have almost the same hair color. Then, those scars only embarrassed him even more. The other must be disgusted by those. Now Uruha knows everything.

"You know I won't. I am here. I still am, Aoi. oh my god." Uruha place kisses on Aoi's cheeks, forehead, nose, eyes, neck, any places he could reach then hug his weak body again.

"I love you too Aoi, how I never realized your feelings. I feel so stupid..." yes, Uruha feels so stupid now. Aoi's feeling towards him is strong, he's sure. Aoi did such a thing because of his love. But why didn't the other just simply tell him? He also kept his feelings for the other for so long. He was also scared of rejection if he did confess. Maybe Aoi felt the same. But, he didn't know Aoi's reaction.

"Okay baby, now you need to eat. You need stamina for tomorrow band practice." Uruha said. But no response. Only then he realized that Aoi's sob has totally vanished. Aoi's heartbeat on his chest is steady, so was his breathing. When he moved Aoi's body, he saw the other has closed his eyes. Maybe he was too exhausted because of too much crying. Carefully, he placed Aoi's body on the mattress, placed his head on the pillow for a comfortable position. He smiles, eyeing Aoi's angelic face when he's sleep, placing kisses many times on his lips, gently so as not to disturb him. Aoi is his now, after too much suffering, after keeping too distant from Aoi these many years, finally he's His. He keeps staring at Aoi's sleeping form.

"I want to see all of you..."

"I want to love all of you..."

He still is beautiful just like their first meeting, although he feels like he's going to cry whenever he sees  those angry red scars tainting Aoi's wrist. He blames himself. He had just wanted to keep distant from Aoi so that he wont do something stupid that could make Aoi hate him, to hide his feelings. He never knew It would turnout like this. He promises himself that he'll make up his mistake, fix everything from the very beginning, and make Aoi happy. He lay beside Aoi, hugging Aoi's waist closer after switching off the light and covered their bodies with a blanket. The meals that he had prepared before remain untouched.  There are more important things than eating . For now, what they're need is take a rest to face tomorrow.

ΘΘΘΘΘΘΘΘ

***Download NovelToon to enjoy a better reading experience!***