Chapter One

It was the day after I was released from the hospital and I still hadn't spoken to Nathan or the kids. I knew I had to but all I wanted to do was sleep and not think about anything but it was becoming harder as I saw the children running around or playing. I kept thinking of the baby I lost. It was all my fault. I caused it. I jinxed my own pregnancy.

"Baby, it's bath time. The kids want you and not me." Nathan said as he stepped into the room. Tears dropped at the mention of the children. "Don't worry, I'll do it." He quickly left. I was so thankful that he was understanding and willing to leave me to grieve. My sister told me that the grieving may never end. I don't want that.

Minutes later, Nathan walked into the room without his shirt on. It was a sight to see but I wasn't in the mood. "Babe." He called as he knelt down by my side of the bed looking at me. "Tristan got an A in math and Taylor got a B-. At least it's an improvement from last time. Toby is still trying to pronounce your name properly and it's the cutest thing I've heard."

"I want to sleep." I force out of my mouth but it probably sounded like grumbles.

"I know baby. I know." He placed a kiss on my forehead and got up from the floor. He walked away from my side and I turned to his side of the bed, stretching my hand to feel the space beside me. It felt empty, just like my heart. I watched as Nathan turned on the heater— he knew I easily get cold at night— and slipped into the covers with me.

"Come here." He stretched his hands to touch me and I involuntarily flinched. It wasn't me. It was my body's reaction. I wanted to explain to him. He dropped his hands and sat up on the bed. "Mama, Hazelnut, Peanut." He called the nicknames that he has been teasing me with but I didn't have the energy to smile. I couldn't bring myself to smile when I knew that I killed my baby. He shouldn't be happy with me.

"I know you're still adjusting and I get that but I want to hold you. I want to fall asleep knowing that you're safe and you're with me." He stretched out his hands and pulled me into his arms. I tried to get away from him but I didn't have the energy. "Please don't fight me. I'm also trying my best to understand you and everything too."

I fell asleep to Nathan praying and my heart squeezed at the thought and I started crying until I fell asleep. I didn't know what came over me but hearing his prayers, knowing he still had faith in God, put me in tears because I knew that I was slowly losing faith. I knew that it'll take me a while to grieve and also regain my faith.

I woke up the next morning to the sound of my children getting ready for school. Taylor and Tristan were dressed in their school uniforms while Toby was still having his bath in my room. Nathan was struggling to keep up with the three of them and no matter how I tried to stand up to help, I had no strength.

"Mama." Nathan called from the bathroom. "I know you need time but please can you go and make something for them. Just a couple of sandwiches in their lunch bags. Please!" I sighed and dragged myself out of the bed. Stepping out of the room, everything felt different. The walls looked duller, nothing was as new as it was. I made my way down the stairs to the kitchen.

I noticed that everything I needed to make the sandwiches were already on the counter, in the middle of the kitchen. He thought of it. I made a couple of club sandwiches and I arranged them in their plates with some cut fruits and juice boxes. I placed everything in their respective lunch bags and I waited for them to come down.

Toby ran do an the stairs and ran towards me. He grabbed my legs and hugged me.

"Mama said don't run." Taylor screamed from the top of the stairs. "We don't want mama to be mad."

"Mama." Toby called me and I began to cry. I don't know why but Toby reminded me of my baby the most. Maybe because he is still a baby to me. "Don't get mad." He rubbed my legs in a bid to comfort me but it only hurt more.

Tristan, Taylor and Nathan walked down the stairs hand in hand, and they looked happy. Why couldn't they acknowledge the baby? I know Nathan doesn't want to talk about it and he doesn't even try to bring it up.

"Mama." Nathan called as Tristan and Taylor ran to me, hugging me too. "Baby, you need to calm down." He pulled me away from the children and hugged me. I flinched at the sudden contact but he didn't complain. "Little ones, go to the car, we'll get breakfast on the way, okay?" The children muttered 'okay' before running out of the house.

"Toby-"

"Mama, you need to let go of everything. We have three kids to think of. You said you don't want a nanny and I respect that but you've got to get back on your feet." He let go of me to look into my eyes as I sniffed and cleaned my tears but it just kept coming. "At least for my sake. I can't stand to see you cry." He cleaned my tears and tilted my head to look at him, seeing as I dropped my head because I didn't want him to see me cry. "I called Jodie earlier. She's coming over to keep you company. I know you really don't want to be alone."

He was wrong. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to cry to my heart's content. I wanted to adjust to this new pain alone. I just want to be alone and wear my guilt on my shoulders. I wanted to sleep and I know Jodie won't be offering any of these things.

Nathan grabbed all the lunch bags, placed a kiss on my forehead and walked out of the house. My heart squeezed at the thought of him leaving me. I know I want to be alone but I still needed my husband, maybe not physically but at least in the same headspace as I am.

I walked to the living room, thankful for the blanket we keep in case of times like this. I laid on the couch and covered myself, crying myself to sleep.

I woke up an hour later to the sight of Jodie handing me a mug of hot chocolate. It took me a couple of seconds to remember why she was in my house. I felt a little bit angry but I prayed she understood me.

"Drink up! Nathan said you haven't been eating." She sternly said as she held the mug closer to me. I slowly took it from her and sat up. I didn't feel like taking anything, I just wanted to sleep. I took a gulp and held the cup close to my body, seeking for warmth. The blanket wasn't enough.

"Hazel, how are you?" She asked and I blankly stared at her. Wasn't it obvious? Did I look great? "You aren't just a woman now. You're a mother and a wife. I know you lost your baby but you need to think about the family you have. You can't keep sulking forever. Your family need you. How long do you think Nathan is going to keep taking care of the children while you sulk? You chose to be a house wife, meaning that taking care of the children is your top priority."

My prayer weren't answered as usual.

"Nathan loves you, that I know of. He wants the best for the family but he can't keep up. He needs your help..." I watched her as she rambled about Nathan. What about me? What about my feelings? I knew not to talk back at her, I lived with her for a long while. She never saw me as her sister, well, I don't think she did.

I dropped the cup by the side of the chair and laid back down on the chair. I needed to be alone.

"Hazel, stop this! You're behaving like you're depressed and I know you're not." Jodie almost shouted at me. What if I am? Can't I be depressed in peace? How can she know I'm not?

"Jo, I want to sleep." I mumbled as I closed my eyes, hoping she'll take the hint and leave me.

"Hazel, do you need to see a couple's therapist?" She asked and I was gradually drifting off to dreamland when I felt her shake my body. "Hazel, do you need a therapist?"

I took a deep breath. "I'm tired and I need to sleep."

"It's like I'm talking to a brick!" Jodie exclaimed but I was too weak and tired to put up a fight with her. "I'm only going to let you sleep because I'm tired of talking but I can't leave because I promised Nathan I'll be here all day."

I closed my eyes and settled into the warmth of the blanket. "Suck it up, Hazel."

I woke up to the sound of my children laughing loudly but I didn't have any strength to open my eyes. I laid on the couch and tried to gather enough energy to go to my room.

"She's been sleeping all day." I heard Jodie say. "She was asleep when I came over, I made her hot chocolate but she only took a gulp. I spoke to her for like a minute or two and she went right back to sleep. All she could say is that she wants to sleep."

"I don't know if she's getting better or she's getting worse." Nathan whined. I really wanted to look at them and see their expressions. "Should I give her space or keep calling people over when I'm not around."

"I don't think she should be left alone. No one ever knows what is going on in her head. What if she's planning to kill herself, you may never know." Jodie said and I knew she was right. I was never vocal and I probably won't be vocal.

"Thank you." I heard shuffling of feet. "Thank you so much. Whenever you're free, please come over and stay with her. She probably needs everyone she loves by her side now."

Nathan is lying. I just need him.

"Did you call anyone for tomorrow?" Jodie asked.

"Yeah, I called your cousin, Karen. I also called Bryan, Steffie and Teddy. They're coming over in that order." Nathan answered and I opened my eyes. I sat up and looked at Nathan and Jodie as they stood behind the couch I laid on. "Hey mama. Are you okay?" I grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around my body. "Do you need anything?"

"I'm tired." I hoarsely muttered and Nathan quickly moved to my side as I stood up.

"Go up to the room, I'll bring some fruits and food. You want some ice cream?" I softly shook my head and began my walk to my room upstairs. "Mama." He called and I stopped in my tracks. "I'll set up the bathtub after I see Jodie off."

"Haze, don't forget what I told you." Jodie called after me as I walked to my room. I think she knows I won't listen to her. I could hear the children laughing in my bathroom. Nathan probably told them to have their bath here.

"Mama." Toby shouted immediately he saw me. He ran out of the bathroom in his shorts and hugged my legs. I carried him and he rested his head on my shoulder. "Taytay smack me." Normally I would've fake shouted at Taylor and we would all have a laugh but I just wanted to hold him and try to feel better. I walked to the bed and I sat on the bed, leaning on the headboard. "Mama, is you okay?" He asked sitting up to look at me.

"Baba, I love you so much." I grabbed his cheeks and placed a kiss on his forehead.

"I love you too mama." He replied and I was so close to crying but I held myself. I want to be strong for my children but it's hard.

"Mummy." Tristan called as he came out of the bathroom with his boxers. "Taylor was being mean."

"Where is she?" I asked and they pointed at the door leading out of the room.

"She's in her room." Tristan answered and I nodded.

"Get dressed and bring something for Toby to wear. Call Taylor for me." He nodded and stalked out of the room. "Baba, what do you want to do today?"

"Cuddles." I smiled at him and he rolled out of my grip and onto the bed. "Soft." He moaned at the feeling of the bed. "Mama, Daddy said the baby is in baby heaven. Is it true?"

My heart squeezed and I wanted to cry. "Yes Baba. He's in heaven with God." The door opened and Tristan walked in with Toby's clothes and Taylor trailing behind him. "Come here." I waved them over. They crawled into the bed with me and sat next to me, facing me. "I don't think I'm okay and I want you guys to be strong for your daddy. Don't stress him, okay?" They nodded and I took it as a sign to continue. "Please be on your best behavior because mama is sick and I need to rest more, okay?" They nodded.

"Is it because of the baby? My teacher said that sometimes after mama brings the baby, she may fall sick." Taylor said and I pursed my lips. I didn't know what to say to that.

"Yeah, your teacher is right." I said and the door slowly opened to Nathan holding a tray with food.

"I know you said you didn't want ice cream but I got it. I know you like the way I serve it so I tried my best to make it to your taste." He said as he placed the tray on my thighs. "I can feed you if you want. I also got food for my little ones."

"I'm not really hungry."

After eating, or rather, Nathan forcing me to eat, Nathan ran me a hot bubble bath but I blatantly said no. I didn't want him in the bathroom with me. I didn't even want to look at my body. I felt disgusted with the thought of being *****.

"Mama, you want to fight me now?" Nathan teased as I sat on the toilet. I won't get up from here until he leaves.

"Leave." I dragged out causing Nathan to frown.

"I should leave?" He questioned. "I'm trying to take care of you and all you want to do is push me away."

I took a deep breath. "Please."

Nathan walked out of the bathroom and slammed the door in the process. I flinched at the sound but I was a lot more comfortable. I stood up and took off all article of clothing I had on. I stepped into the hot water and I sighed at the feeling of the hot water on my cool skin. I closed my eyes and marvelled at the feeling.

I woke up, clothed in Nathan's sweatshirt as usual. Nathan was seated beside me, reading his bible. He pushed his reading glasses upwards and scrunched his nose, a funny habit he does when he wears his glasses.

"His name is Stephan." I muttered and he turned to me, confused at my words. "The baby. I was going to name him Stephan after Steffie. Stephan Trevor Reed. I already thought of everything."

"Why do you keep dwelling on this? Please just move on. That's what I'm doing." He dismissed me and I turned away from him. I didn't want to talk anymore. I felt stupid for bringing it up. "Mama, I'm sorry." He placed a hand on my shoulder but I shrugged it off me. "Let's pray."

"I don't want to pray."

"Why?"

"I don't want to pray to someone that doesn't love me." I turned to look at him and he dropped his bible on the bedside table.

"Where is this coming from?" He asked and I blankly stared at him. "Why would you think God doesn't love you?"

I closed my eyes for a second. "If he loves me, he'll know that Stephan meant so much to me. Why did he take him away from me after 9 months. He couldn't even let me miscarry the baby. He watched me fall in love with Stephan. He heard my prayers but he still decided to do the opposite of what I wanted and now he's not even trying to be on my side or even take care of me. Nobody understands the pain and that's okay. I don't need anybody."

Nathan took off his glasses, folding it, he dropped it on his bible. "Where the hell is this coming from? One moment you love going to church with me, you join me in prayers, participate in the church bake sale and so on and the next minute you're cussing God out. I will take anything but not God slander."

"Might as well get used to it." I muttered against the pillow. Nathan got down from the bed and took a step back, watching me.

"Ever since Stephan or whatever you call the baby, you've changed and I don't like it. You're not eating, you refused to look at yourself in the mirror, you've been sleeping a lot, you don't even want to take care of the children. Is this how things are going to be? I'm not going to stand by your side if this continues for a long time. I can't watch you waste your life." He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to calm himself but it won't change anything.

"Why can't you be on my side?"

"What side are you on? The side where you starve yourself to death? The side where you lose the emotional bond with your children, with me?" He paused and pinched his nose again. Tears gathered in my eyes and I closed my eyes, trying to keep them in but it was hard. "I can never be on that side with you. I want you out of that side."

I let the tears fall. "It has just been two days since you came from the hospital, by now you should've at least tried to eat and play with the kids. It's not like the incident happened three days ago. You stayed at the damn hospital for a week because you couldn't stop crying. You begged to be released and you're still doing same thing you did in the hospital."

"Leave." I said in fits of tears. He was hurting me more than he knew but there wasn't any word to express myself.

"I sure as hell want to get away from your negative energy." He grabbed his bible and glasses before leaving the room.

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