An Achievement

It's 1 am, I haven't sleep, I'm afraid to sleep. I felt disgusted, from me, from everything that I do, from everything that I should do, and from everything that I will do tomorrow.

I've come home from wandering around trying to find an answer.

"what's my desire again?"

I wonder, am I mistook something. Am I really on the right track? I suppose people start seeing me like I'm some sort of amazing person. At the very least I can tell that I'm not comfortable.

Why should I do all of this work?

To finish it?

To make people feel pleased with my work?

"It's boring"

Everything is boring. Dating is boring, it took me one week to get tired of seeing their face or replying to their text.

Read all of this manga is boring, everything is just the same, same concept, same conflict, same resolution, same character building, just the same story with a different cover.

Watch all of this anime is boring, I had enough of these tits and fan service.

Do all of my tasks are disgustedly boring, don't get me started of even thinking about it.

Either way, I can't go back to the start.

How to work again?

How to start a conversation again?

How to make friends again?

How to love someone again?

Again? Am I start forgetting something?

It's distressing to live and it's more severe to work hard. I've read some biography and conclude that a lot of hard-working people are people that feel more distressed than others. And I'm starting to understand the pattern here.

When I feel the grief that is just unbearable, I feel the urge to hurt my self even more to lessen the grief. I've tried left some scar in my body but working hard is probably the most useful and beneficial self-harm that I can do so I get over the self-cut things quickly.

I should make my decision that day to get over the pain by working as hard as possible.

The unbearable pain of losing my first loved one. Tears began to fall every time I remember her. It's been 5 years and I still feel so stuffed with this complex feeling of regrets and self-hate.

I began to realize that the hard work was just a temporary solution. I spend most of my night depressing, crying, screaming, regretting over her. All of my achievements feel empty.

I should be nicer to her. I should at least try to understand her. She treats me so dearly. She is the only person I got back then when I was always alone due to my parent's abuse and self-harm.

She's no longer exist. I can't go back either. I don't have any picture or video with her, I should make one but I was too prideful to even put my slightest effort for her. Probably because She's the one that comes to me searching for comfort in her broken self. She cried a lot about her past and her discomfort present.

Deep down, I know that we are the same kind. Deep down, I know that the happiest time in my life is being with her. Even just a small talk is enough to comfort both of us.

What did I ever give to her again? She gives me so much yet I...

She always said that I'm an amazing person even tho I just overall average.

Where is she now? She should see all of my achievements in the past 5 years. I bet she'll be surprised that I got to visit Japan that She always talks about.

Really...where is she? I don't care about all of those midgets trying to prise me. Please...everything felt empty if I can't get her slightest compliment.

Whenever I got home after getting an achievement, I always feel the chill sensation when I enter my room, as if she was there, waiting for me.

But it's not complimenting me but instead telling me "it's gonna be alright" while hugging my crybaby self.

No matter how much that achieves I always come home crying in my room.

Either way, I need to try harder. I need to achieve more.

I looked at the mirror. The me that I'm looking right now is like a middle-aged version of me with a dark eye bag.

Today I got the title of the most outstanding student at my university. As I looked to the sheet of the achievement paper I began to feel the chill sensation again.

"I guess that wasn't enough to receive her complement"

"Maybe I should be the number one in the country"

And just like that motivation begins filling me.

"Ahh yeah, I feel like I'm gonna cry again tonight"

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