within me

SO NEW THINGS ARE HAPPENING AS SOON AS THEY PASSED BY. WHAT DO THEY TELL YOU WHEN THEY LEFT YOUR ROOF?

DID THEY CRY OR REQUEST TO STAY MORE, DID THEY MOURN OVER LEAVING YOU BEHIND?

NO, ACTUALLY, I THINK THEY WERE QUITE HAPPY AS THEY WERE LEAVING ME. LEAVING ALONE WAS THE BEST DECISION FOR THEM.

I FELT IT.

SO THEIR EXPRESSION WAS THAT OBVIOUS FOR YOU?

I KNOW, RIGHT.

DID THEY EVER TELL YOU THAT?

NO.

SO HOW DO YOU KNOW?

HOW CAN I NOT KNOW? I FELT IT. YOU KNOW, SOME THINGS DON’T NEED WORDS OR ANY KIND OF BAD TREATMENT; YOU JUST KNOW—KNOW BY THEIR PRESENCE IN YOU.

EVEN WHEN THEY ARE AROUND YOU FOR 24/7, YOU WILL STILL BE LONELY. THEY WERE THERE FOR ME BUT NOT AS WHAT I NEEDED, THEY WERE THERE FOR ME FOR WHAT THEY THINK THAT I NEEDED.

WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU EVEN THINKING? WHY DON’T YOU FEEL THAT WAY?

MAYBE THEY WERE HAPPY TO BE AROUND YOU, MAKING YOU FEEL SAFE IN THEIR PRESENCE EVEN THOUGH IT WASN’T THE WAY YOU WANTED. BE HAPPY AND FEEL GOOD THAT PEOPLE WERE WITH YOU, WHERE SOME PEOPLE DON’T EVEN HAVE ONE TO CALL WHEN THEY ARE ON THE VERGE OF DEATH. BE GRATEFUL FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE RECEIVED SO FAR FROM THEM.

WELL, I’M GRATEFUL, GRATEFUL FOR EVERYTHING THEY DID TO ME, GRATEFUL FOR EVERYTHING THEY MADE ME FEEL.

WHO SAYS I WASN’T? I WAS GRATEFUL FOR EVERY… EVERY CHANCE I GOT TO BE CLOSE TO THEM.

BUT EVEN THAT WASN’T ENOUGH FOR ME TO BE—FEEL LEFT ALONE.

I WAS SAD IN THEIR HAPPINESS. MAYBE I WAS RUINING THEIR GOOD TIMES TOO. THAT IS WHY…

NOW I KNOW THAT IS WHY THEY LEFT ME SO EASILY. LIKE I WASN’T A THING FOR THEM. LIKE AS IF I WAS NOTHING.

PUTTING YOURSELF IN THIS POSITION WAS YOUR CHOICE. YOUR THINKING WAS THE ONE WHO RUINED YOUR BOND WITH THEM.

TELL ME THE TIME YOU NEVER FELT LEFT ALONE OR FELT HAPPY? JUST TELL ME.

STOP… NOW YOU’RE TRYING TO BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING.

SO WHAT IF I WAS THE ONE? I TRIED ENOUGH TO FEEL GOOD IN THEIR PRESENCE, BUT I WAS LOST THOUGH THEY WERE WITH ME.

DON’T BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING. BLAMING EVERYTHING ON THE PERSON WHO HAS LOST EVERYTHING WILL ONLY FEEL LIKE A BURDEN TO THIS WORLD.

STOP THINKING NONSENSE AND TRY TO PULL UP YOUR BURDEN TO THIS WORLD.

I THINK I HAVE HEARD ENOUGH AND SEEN ENOUGH.

YOU ARE NOT EVEN TRYING TO HEAL YOURSELF AND TRYING TO OVERCOME WHATEVER IS HOLDING YOU BACK.

ENOUGH WITH THESE THOUGHTS. YOU’RE NOT HELPING YOURSELF. YOU’RE NOT FEELING ENOUGH FOR YOU.

FOR EVEN OTHERS, YOU JUST TALK ABOUT HOW THEY MADE YOU FEEL LEFT ALONE…

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF THOSE WHO TRIED TO BE THERE FOR YOU?

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THEM, WHAT THEY ARE FEELING, AND WHAT ENERGY YOU ARE PROVIDING TO THEM?

HAVE YOU EVER TRUSTED TRULY AND BELIEVED IN THEM THAT THEY CAN CHANGE YOU FROM FEELING NOTHINGNESS?

YOU HAVE NEVER TRIED. NOT EVEN ONCE.

LET THEM FEEL YOU—THE REAL YOU. OPEN YOUR DOOR TO THEM AND GROW WITH THEM.

PROVIDE YOURSELF PEACE YOU NEEDED.

THEY MAY BE THE SOURCE OF HAPPINESS, BUT THE ONE WHO CONTROLS IT IS YOU.

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO CONTROLS IT TO FEEL GREAT OR EVEN GREATER.

MAYBE YOU ARE IN GREAT PAIN, BUT THE ONES AROUND YOU ARE IN GREATER PAIN TRYING TO HELP YOU GET OVER WHATEVER IS WEIGHING YOU DOWN.

THEY ARE CONCERNED ABOUT YOU.

I’M TRYING, BUT NOTHING FEELS GREAT OR FEEDS THEM WITH GREATNESS.

YOU THINK MY LONELINESS IS BY CHOICE, BUT NO, YOU DON’T KNOW ME WELL ENOUGH TO JUDGE MY THOUGHTS.

YOU ONLY SEE WHAT I SHOW YOU. THE REAL ME INSIDE IS FAR MORE CONCERNING TO THOSE AROUND ME. THINKING ABOUT THEIR WELL-BEING AND TRYING TO PROVIDE HAPPINESS THROUGH MY SADNESS ONLY BRINGS TEARS DOWN MY CHEEKS.

WHENEVER I GET CLOSE TO THEM, MY REALITY KICKS IN, AND MY THROAT FEELS...

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