Hollow

I sit in silence, wondering how someone so good to me — Zhar — could make me feel so lost. He gives me everything — his patience, his care, his love — yet something inside me feels hollow. We look like the perfect couple; everyone says so. But inside, I feel nothing. I wish I knew why. I wish I could love Zhar the way he loves me. He deserves that. Maybe it’s the past still haunting me, the memories I can’t seem to forget. And in trying to figure myself out, I think I’m slowly breaking him too.

What am I doing right now? Who am I becoming? I never wanted to hurt Zhar, yet the more I tried to find myself, the more I lost him. I started spending time with other people behind his back, searching for the missing pieces of myself in strangers’ eyes. Deep down, I knew I was lying, I was cheating — not just on Zhar, but on the version of me I once wanted to be.

And then, we lost us. We lost trust. We broke. But even after everything, I still love Zhar — just not in the way I once thought I could. I know I need to heal myself. I can’t keep doing this, even though I miss him. It isn’t right. When Zhar asked me to end things, I did. But part of me still begged him to stay. He hit me with words sharp enough to cut through every piece of hope I had left — he wanted nothing more to do with me.

And now, once again, I’m lost. Just lost.

After everything that happened, I feel empty. There’s no comfort in me anymore — no warmth left to give or receive. I keep to myself most days, not because I want to, but because I no longer know how to let anyone in. Even when someone loves me, even when I try to love them back, it feels like nothing ever works. I want to, but I can’t. Something inside me just… doesn’t move anymore.

I don’t like to talk about what I’ve been through, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned — betrayal changes you. It cracks something deep inside, something words can’t capture. Since that day, my heart has been quiet. Cold. Numb. I feel like a stranger to myself, as if the person I used to be has been buried under the weight of hurt and regret.I see people love me, care for me, and yet I can’t return it fully. I want to, I really do, but the emptiness inside keeps swallowing the pieces of me that still want to feel. It’s as if my heart learned to protect itself by shutting down entirely, building walls so high even I can’t climb over them.

And then I met Zhar — the one who tried to treat me right. But even then, I hurt him too.

Hi, I’m June.

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