Is this how it was meant to be ?

All my life I've always been put second, whenever I try to put the spotlight on me, it always shifts to someone else. The fact that I even have to share my birthday doesn't help me feel better. I have a twin brother, Nicholas, he couldn't be more perfect.

It was very unexpected for my parents to have a second child. They have always just wanted one child, but unfortunately they had twins. There's Nicholas the perfect son, the one that they've always wanted. Who has always been the more active child, he played Sports and was popular in High School. Then there's me Nikolai the unseen child, the one is always sitting in a corner reading a boo.

I know that I've always been the quiet child, but I had no choice but to be quiet when my words were always silence.My parents never asked me about my day they've always only asked Nicholas they never asked me about the bruises they see on my body they always concerned about Nicholas. I've never heard them say congratulation to me when I got a math award, but we had to celebrate when Nicholas joined the soccer team.

I hated feeling invisible, I've always wanted to leave this house and find someone who will see me, who will put me first, who will love me for who I am. It all went down in shambles the day I told my parents I'm gay. They did not take this information well, which I don't understand. They've never cared, so why do they care now ? Why can they not accept me? Why do I have to be someone else? Ever since that day things got worse. They would give me weird looks and make me feel abnormal. Which always made me ask myself is this how it was meant to be? Was meant to be alone forever ?

I've tried finding security in dating, but it never helped. Mostly all my relationships have ended badly. The first one was stupid the guy confessed to me, and I didn't want to be rude and break his heart, so I agree to date him. Things were all awkward at first, but then when I thought things were going well he said he found someone else and that he did not like me anymore.

The second one was in college with my roommate. We had a little thing going on,, and I thought that he felt something for me and that we would end up being something together. We had fun and I thought I found someone who can love me for who I am but one day when I walked inside the room I found him with someone else. That was my first heartbreak,, and it left me shattered.

At college I thought a finally found myself good friends until they kept making plants without me, leaving me out of conversations and keeping secrets from me. It felt like I was a third wheel in the relationship. I was confused, what have I ever done to them? Am I not good enough? Will I ever be good enough? Do I not deserve any love ?

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