The Lizard King (1)

...Lost Money...

I just got back from the grocery store, I threw the spare change on the coffee table and went to organize everything I bought, when I was done, as expected, my change was at its place. Now, it's normal for you, isn't it? But, actually, when I first moved into this apartment, I was fed up and desperate for my change to start walking on its own.

I moved in August, now it's January, when this first happened, I thought I had misplaced my change. No problem, I thought, a few pennies or quarters doesn't cause any harm, but when the 'few pennies and quarters' add up to a few dozen dollars, it really starts to mess you up. Then a thought struck me, I was stupid in the first place to think I had misplaced my change, because why would I misplace only the coins and not the notes?

I looked all over the house, every nook and corner was searched as if there was a tiny hole where rats were sneaking my money to their human owners, but alas, I found nothing. I, eventually, started counting the money I lost, and turns out in the first month I stayed there, I had already lost $9. I could have bought a burger, chips and a soda from that, you know.

You see, I shop every week, like a normal person. Restocking my groceries, treating myself to some snacks, collecting interesting art pieces, buying art supplies and shopping for toiletries. I'm a designer, but I have a hobby of painting, and a hobby is a hobby, but I also often get commissions to paint, so that makes my hobby a job sometimes.

I then make good money by selling them on E-Bay. Well, now, you may be thinking why I didn't try to save money, like as soon as I reach home, keeping them in my wallet, safe and secure. Or collecting my money in a jar; but jokes on you, I did try that, I bought a piggy bank at the end of August and started depositing all my coins, and notes, in that.

At the end of September, I broke open the piggy bank, and was happy for a moment, seeing all that money. But my smile faded slowly but surely, there were no goddamn coins, none! I slammed my fist on the table in frustration, which got the downstairs neighbour fussing but who cares.

Just a day before the start of October, I had had enough, I really thought I was going crazy, so I went to the doctor's, I was taught to not blame others right off the bat, so this explains why I went to the doctor's first and not the police, and turns out I have high blood pressure and not dementia or narcolepsy. Not what I was expecting, but okay; feeling defeated, I visited a friend all the way across the country in Oregon for help. She always made me feel better, ever since I've known her, her name is Choi Jirim, we grew up in South Korea together, and she moved to the U.S. a year after me.

I described my new apartment to her, I used to live in a really run down apartment in Maine, so this cheap but really pleasant apartment in New York was a real upgrade. "$1250 a month. Two bedrooms, a joint bathroom in each, a decent living room and get this... It's on the 9th floor with a balcony too, a steal, right?" I dictated enthusiastically, finally drinking the tea she served me 25 minutes ago, "Really? So, what's the problem?" she asked, baffled. I huffed in vexation, "Where do I start, Jirim!" I blurted, "My change is disappearing in thin air, out of nowhere!"

"Out of nowhere?" Jirim asked,

"You heard me, but not my notes, just the coins."

"Huh. I see the problem, Hami."

"What is it, tell me."

Jirim paused for dramatic effect before pointing at me and yelling: "You!" "What!?" I screamed, and I have to admit, her reasoning was pretty damn good, both of us being fantasy and sci-fi readers, that is. She explained that I was the idiot for choosing an apartment that was that cheap, "Of course something is wrong with it, that's why it's cheap, dummy!" she cawed, it made sense. I nodded my head along with her elaboration; I stayed in her house for a week before going back to NYC, on my way there, I was in deep thought of all the furniture I hadn't used.

The bedroom's cabinets, the living room's shelf, the bathroom's rotating mirror, the kitchen's dishwasher... When I got home, I used everything judiciously: stuffed the cabinets neatly, decorated the shelf with some drawings on it, I hid some things behind the rotating mirror, and finally I reached the dishwasher. The dishwasher is a common appliance, sure, but my Asian brain doesn't let me use it.

It's stubborn enough to make me wash all the utensils and all dishes by hand. I sat down with a manual on YouTube, "Open the dishwasher," the man stated monotonously, as if his life was a joke, I opened the dishwasher and, Lo and Behold! The culprit, for my vanishing money, was found.

It wasn't a rat, nor a crow, nor a raven; it was a... Lizard, maybe? I didn't know what it was, but what I did know, is that I had to get rid of it, I reached out my hand towards it, hoping to grab it, because I'm just a shameless girl. But, surprisingly, as soon as my hand got a bit too dangerously close, the lizard thing breathed a fiery breath and burned my finger.

It wasn't burnt badly, just enough to make me retract my hand, "... Wtf was that!?" I asked more as a reflex than out of amazement or anger, "You dare swear at me, you, an insolent mortal?!" the lizard thing spoke. An insolent mortal...? B***h, are you immortal?

I grabbed the dragon thingy and almost choked it, it was 20 cm tall, so I had no problem shaking it around like a rag doll, "Stop!" it screeched, "Stop, I tell you!" it continued, and so did I, shaking it as if I was a bartender making a drink. I eventually stopped, out of boredom, not mercy, don't get me wrong. "I... You darn human, you will pay for this sin! How dare you mess around with me, sir Lumen Grason of Mayfield?" the thing screamed once more; ah, yes, I then remembered, my change, it was piled up on a plate.

Now I understand why this apartment was cheap, low rated even though it looked and felt really nice; because some talking-fire-breathing-royal lizard was stealing everyone's goddamn change.

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