Chapter 4

He had been zoning out a lot lately. He didn’t go to the library during recess like he used to. Instead, he stayed in his classroom, studying alone with his earphones in. He’d been doing this for a week now.

Miyuki didn’t talk about that person anymore to Hayami — much to her frustration. She was starting to worry that something had happened behind her back.

She tried to ask him about it, gently and then more directly, but it was no use. He refused to tell her the real reason. The only answer he gave was, “I’ve grown out of that feeling, that’s all.”

But that made no sense to her. He’d been fine before — smiling, chatty, chasing after Yukito like always. And now? He was distant, quiet, and hiding behind his earphones.

What on earth is going on with him?

...

Hayami came to his house to study. They both sat in the living room with the television on.

His mother goes upstairs so she won't interrupt their study time. Bringing Himiko with her along too.

They were quiet for the first time. The house was always full of their silly jokes and laughter broke out between them, but today, Miyuki was awfully quiet.

He kept making mistakes in his notes too.

Hayami got irritated and annoyed with the confusing situation she saw right now. She cannot focus, not after seeing her friends being absent-minded.

She closed her book and put them aside. That's when Miyuki realised he was with Hayami and he felt silly for forgetting about it.

"Finished already?" His voice was low, his eyes still moving, looking back and forth from his reference book to his notes.

"Something really happened, isn't it? Tell me, what is it?" She sounds serious.

Miyuki chuckled, "What do you mean by that?" He still won't look at her.

"Don't lie to me, okay? I'm your friend and I know you too well to know something happened. And I don't think it was that easy to, you know?"

Miyuki put down his pen and looked at her. "Look, I don't understand what are you trying to say right now. You know I will not hide anything from you, right?"

"But you did. Just tell me what's going on and maybe I can help you. Is it really because you're already fallen out of love, or is it just simply a word you used to hide something deeper than that?"

He shook his head. "No, nothing happens."

Hayami forehead wrinkles as she frowned. "I'm being serious, Miyuki."

"And you think I'm not?" Hayami got quiet.

Miyuki took his pen again. "Just... I cannot tell you. Not now."

"So there is something!" Hayami pointed out.

Miyuki didn't say anything and she doesn't want to ask too. It might really be something serious but she knows better than forcing him to speak about it. She will wait for Miyuki.

Until then, she will dig up some information herself.

▻✦◅

PE.

Every student's favourite subject is out of all of them. Boys will be playing basketball while the girls, well, they're playing volleyball on the other side of the court.

The screeching sounds from the floor because of their foot movements gave some people goosebumps. And some cheering and yelling too filling the gymnasium. The teacher has to repeatedly calm down the students every time they start a fight if they're lost.

"Can't help that they're not pro in it." Said one of the boys in Miyuki's group, clearly annoyed by the whole situation.

Miyuki just laughed it off and continued the game with the others. It's no fun overreacted about small matters. It's just a game. For fun. It's not a competition.

...

He was talking with the other classmates. He's not close to them, but they're getting along well enough to make jokes and laugh together.

They always know Miyuki was a chill guy but his face to people he's not close kind of scary. It's not like that stopped them from getting closer with him.

They were in the hallway. Since it's only four of them there, they're not blocking the way. It is now recess after they had PE for class.

Just as when he was having his blast of laughter, the corner of his eyes caught someone he didn't expect to meet in front of his class. He stopped laughing and watched closely.

Yukito was searching for someone before was approached by one of the girls in the class. They're talking about something which he can't grasp what is it. The girl nodded and pointed at Miyuki which caught him off guard.

But then they're locking eyes. Yukito look at him anxiously, his expression looks worried about him too. He let out a sighed of relief.

The classmates seem to understand by the tension alone. They leave him in the hallway and go inside the class after saying 'Good luck or whatever.'

Yukito approaches Miyuki awkwardly, who's standing there like a pole. He tilted his head with worried.

"Is something happening? Why didn't you go to the library anymore?" Yukito asked anxiously.

Miyuki don't know how to answer. He can't say that he did it to avoid meeting him. It sounds weird without context. They never fight to begin with.

"Tanaka?" His voice sounds soft, calling out his name.

"I just want to save my time..."

"I thought you hate noisy places. Like your classroom."

"I have my earphones on every time I'm studying. I didn't get distracted much by it." He replied. "I'm sorry, but I'm sure Hayami and her friends are there to accompany you, no?"

Yukito bit his bottom lip. "Well, I'm comfortable when you're there... Despite my feelings..." He shook his head. "It just doesn't feel the same without you. I texted you but you never reply either." His eyes droop.

His heart fluttered a bit at those words. Who knows that only can get someone to feel like this?

But...

Yukito can't guess what he was thinking in his head. Is he mad? Sad? Depressed or stressed? What is it? I can't tell what kind of expression he makes.

"It might sound so sudden, and I might be wrong too, but..." He bit his bottom lip.

Miyuki put his hands inside his pants pocket. "What?" He looked calm, but inside, he was screaming. Afraid Yukito know his actual feelings for him or actually notices his heart.

Yukito stared at the floor. "You're not happen to like her too, right?"

Miyuki raised his eyebrow. Me? With her? What? How? Huh?

He doesn't know how to reply. Did he just find me to clarify that, or is he really worried about me?

He giggles afterwards, hiding his face away from Yukito. How did he come up with that? Miyuki can't help but laugh at his words.

Yukito's face reddened. "So you're not???"

"Why would I?" He wiped the tears away. "She's my friend."

"Well, you looked hurt when I told you about it. I thought you had feelings for her too..." He sighed.

If only you knew the reason why...

Miyuki's finger goes through his hair. He can't hate him for it. It's normal for him to love Hayami because she's a girl. And Miyuki is just a boy.

And his junior. That he had never thought of him as a friend much before. Just a junior.

I'm just... someone who loves you and doesn't get anything in return.

"But then why?"

I don't know.

"Why don't you meet me anymore?"

Because...

"If you're not in love with her and you're not hating me too, then why don't you go to the library anymore?"

I-...

"Is there something I don't know? Did I hurt you and I'm not aware of it?"

...

"Can I know why?"

"It's because I love you."

Miyuki noticed his face looked confused and realised something. He didn't look at Miyuki, as if he were hiding his face from him. He froze on the spot.

He noticed what he said. He closed his mouth with his hand. The realisation hit him hard as he looked around him. No one heard anything, because they kept talking and laughing normally.

"I-" Didn't mean to say that.

Yukito backed off and walked away fast. He eventually ran away from Miyuki. He can't even call out to him. He scratched his head and cursed under his breath.

How can I let my thoughts run carelessly? I said it out loud that I loved him earlier, right?

He covers his face with his hand. He regretted it. He just made someone hate him, and that was his crush. He looked at his surroundings again.

No rumour will be spread. There are fewer students outside this hallway. Most of them were pretty far away from where they were standing. Meaning, they can't hear clearly what they were saying.

He's sure he makes Yukito uncomfortable with his sudden confession. Even he was shocked that he said it without noticing he did it.

He really should control himself better.

Now, I don't even have a chance to meet him again.

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