Chapter 4 : The way things start to hurt

The first month still felt like something he could hold.

Not perfect.

But still there.

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When Taehyung first told Eunwoo about the pregnancy, there was a pause.

Not excitement.

Not rejection.

Just… a pause too long to ignore.

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Then Eunwoo smiled.

A small one.

Controlled.

“I’m happy,” he said.

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Taehyung believed it.

Or told himself he did.

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Because Eunwoo had never been loud with feelings.

So Taehyung learned to read what wasn’t spoken.

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That became his habit.

Reading silence.

Reading pauses.

Reading distance.

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And at first, he always found a reason to soften it.

Maybe he’s tired.

Maybe he’s worried.

Maybe it’s just adjustment.

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The first month passed like that.

Careful.

Quiet.

Almost normal.

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But by the second month—

things began to change in ways Taehyung didn’t know how to explain.

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It wasn’t absence.

It was presence without warmth.

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Eunwoo still came home.

Still ate.

Still lay beside him.

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But something in the way he existed there started to feel… detached.

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At night, when Taehyung reached out—

Eunwoo responded.

But differently.

Slower.

Less certain.

Like he was arriving late to something already happening.

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Taehyung noticed the way his eyes would close sometimes before anything fully settled.

Not sleep.

Not comfort.

Just… shutting out.

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And in those moments—

Taehyung would pause.

Because something inside him didn’t understand what it was seeing.

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Sometimes, it felt like Eunwoo wasn’t looking at him at all.

Even when he was right there.

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That thought scared Taehyung more than anything else.

So he pushed it away immediately every time it came.

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By the third month, the space between them had changed shape.

It was still close.

But not connected.

⸻

Eunwoo stopped initiating anything.

Not just closeness.

Everything.

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So Taehyung began doing it all.

Sitting closer first.

Speaking first.

Reaching first.

⸻

Trying not to let silence grow too long.

Because silence now felt like something leaving.

⸻

And nights became heavier in ways he couldn’t name.

⸻

Eunwoo would close his eyes more often.

Longer than before.

Sometimes during moments when Taehyung was still speaking softly.

Sometimes after.

Sometimes before.

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It felt like he was somewhere else.

Not fully there.

Not fully gone.

Just… not with him.

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Taehyung told himself it was exhaustion.

Stress.

Pressure.

Anything else.

⸻

Because thinking otherwise hurt too much.

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By the fourth month, Taehyung stopped asking questions out loud.

But inside—

they grew louder.

⸻

Am I imagining this?

Is something wrong?

Or is it just me?

⸻

When Eunwoo came home, Taehyung would watch him carefully.

Not openly.

Just enough to notice.

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And sometimes—

Eunwoo would smile.

Quick.

Brief.

Like something practiced.

⸻

“I’m happy about the baby,” he said once again.

Same words.

Same tone.

Same controlled expression.

⸻

Taehyung nodded slowly.

Because that was what he had learned to do.

⸻

Believe what was given.

Not what was felt.

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By the fifth month, Taehyung’s body began to feel heavier.

Not just physically.

Everything.

⸻

But he didn’t slow down.

He couldn’t.

Because slowing down meant noticing too much.

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So he kept trying.

Kept giving.

Kept reaching.

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Even when it started feeling like he was the only one holding anything together.

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At night, Eunwoo would sometimes turn away almost immediately after.

Not in anger.

Not in refusal.

Just… absence returning too quickly.

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And Taehyung would lie there awake.

Listening to nothing.

Holding everything inside himself.

⸻

By the sixth month, Taehyung started doing things he didn’t understand.

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He would prepare meals more carefully.

Stay awake longer.

Wait longer.

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As if effort could bring back something slipping away.

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Sometimes he would sit quietly and place his hand over his stomach.

Whispering things he never said out loud before.

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Not words for Eunwoo.

Not for anyone.

Just… for the child.

For himself.

For something to stay.

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And then—

it became fear.

⸻

Not loud fear.

Quiet fear.

The kind that settles in the chest and doesn’t leave.

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He began to think about small things differently.

Superstitions he never believed before.

Avoiding certain words.

Holding onto small rituals.

Praying quietly when no one was around.

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Not because he fully believed.

But because he didn’t know what else to do.

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He wanted this child.

Desperately.

Not just as a responsibility.

But as proof that something in his life was real.

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Something that wouldn’t leave.

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By the seventh month—

Taehyung was no longer the same steady silence he used to be.

⸻

He still tried to smile.

Still tried to act normal.

Still tried to believe Eunwoo when he said things were fine.

⸻

But inside—

everything had started to shake.

⸻

Eunwoo still came home.

Still stayed sometimes.

Still existed in the same space.

⸻

But Taehyung had started noticing something he couldn’t unsee anymore.

⸻

When Eunwoo closed his eyes—

it felt like he was somewhere else entirely.

Like Taehyung wasn’t the one standing there.

Like the space between them wasn’t shared.

⸻

And that thought—

that quiet, unwanted thought—

began to grow.

⸻

Not as certainty.

Not as truth.

But as something Taehyung couldn’t stop hearing in his own mind.

⸻

Am I still here with him… or just here alone?

⸻

And even then—

he didn’t stop reaching.

⸻

Because holding on…

was still the only thing he knew how to do.

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