Finding out

Hello my name is Radish I am 14 years old and a girl I have depression,adhd,a bit of a speech impediment with r’s. Ever since I was young( fourth grade) I haven’t really been happy,I didn’t ever think about my feelings really at all I just was ‘normal’, and so in the beginning of fifth grade I thought I was really happy because it was the next year I was in middle school and I finally felt grownup, but that soon changed. I noticed that I felt and was very out of place my friend. group in 5th grade was with all the popular people but I was not and I’m still not popular, for some reason I didn’t think it was weird or strange, and often me and my ‘friends’ would go to Starbucks to get food and drinks ( non alcoholic) and I always had more money than the others and we would always group pay so I’d be paying more and not getting as much stuff. Usually I wouldn’t think much of it but one night I just broke down I started crying in my room alone like I’ve always been I tried to keep quiet though because I didn’t want to wake anyone up, while I was crying I wasn’t really mad at my so called friends because it didn’t seem like they did it on purpose, but I was just so sad they never included me in anything I always had to ask to join in I felt so Misplaced and intrusive the whole time I could only think how the others thought about me. And over time I kind of distanced my self from them and I started traveling to different friends group looking where I would fit in,I would still occasionally hang out with my past friends but I still felt lonely, I would cry every night and day secretly I only thought about my weight and what people thought of me. I had come to the conclusion that I was depressed, I would search up online and look at the symptoms of depression and I had a check for all of them but specifically I diagnosed myself with major depression. I wasn’t really angry or upset I just felt like it made sense but it only made me cry more, and I suddenly noticed other things to like how I have more acne then others and how so many girls in my class were thin( even some boys) and how I was bigger ( I weigh 99-112 lbs) so I tried to fix myself I would try not to eat for days and some times I would be successful and other times I would just cave in to my cravings. Then one day I was on YouTube and I found a video about anorexia and bulimia I knew what anorexia was but not bulimia so I watched the video, and I learned that I could lose weight by making myself throw up but still eat as much as I wanted so I tried. And honestly I wished that I would have anorexia and bulimia because I hated (hate) my body but no matter how much I made myself throw up I still didn’t lose weight. I was so defeated I worked so hard coming up with excuses for why I wouldn’t eat much and why I always had to go to the bathroom but no success, I didn’t even get a eating disorder I became so depressed and disappointed in myself that I couldn’t do something so simple. I had no idea what to do next so I just pushed that thought to the back of my head but other things popped up like how I was so annoying to myself my crush and my family members. Especially my crush,soup ( fake name for privacy) he is and was cute short and he’s a dude (though I am bisexual) and I loved he’s personality he’s super nice kind and funny and I fell in love with him and even in 5th grade I knew it was dumb because if I told anyone about it they would think I was just being silly but I was totally serious, for some reason I didn’t realize how annoying I was being until six/ seventh grade like how I gave him new nick names all the time and call him that even when he told me not to and how I very clingy and always asking for answers on homework. And he would tell me constantly that I was annoying yet I kept on bothering him. And I would cry and night knowing how mean I was being to him and because of that he started to hate me and by this time I knew he didn’t like but I eventually told he and as I suspected he rejected me, I predicted this but I was still hurt by it I would cry constantly and I would have to hold back my tears in class, and what made it worse was that I knew it was all my fault I would constantly repeat in my head ‘ if only you had been nice to him’. I had also realized that my family hated me they didn’t say it out loud but I could tell by their actions, and I was so sad in depressed that I just wanted to die, I remember clearly in fifth grade social studies I was telling myself that ‘ when I get home I’m going to find some pills and kill myself) I was just so fed up with my life.

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